Review of: Hierarchy
reviewed by atlhalfjap on 09/02/2004
Lots of twists
Some I didn't understand. For instance I got lost on the whole Anna/Heirarchy swtich thing. It didn't seem to flow. I also had problems with SO much of the fighting and action, I had difficulty visiualizing all of it. Anna seems to be a fairly thin character, I know she's trying to save her husband but I know nothing else about her. Have you considered giving Anna and Kane a child, so that they have something more personal to fight for. I don't really understand WHO they are fighting for. Yes, the rebels, I got that but WHO are the Rebels and why are they rebelling? How is the Herirachy mistreating the non imprisioned people? I don't really invset in the Rebel strugle. This seems to me to be a LOT of action for no reason. On the technical side, you might want to look at your action paragraphs and seeing if you can pare them down. They seem a bit long to me. I had some issues with formatting in my version of your SP (Wordpad was used by my computer to open it.) There are some character/dialogue lines that slam into each other. You have a coupla typos. This reads more like a short story than a SP.
Other Reviews by atlhalfjap 49
A review of Boot Campby atlhalfjap on 01/27/2012There's not much I can give you in the way of constructive criticism, the story is powerful, (especially for those who have had to euthanize a beloved animal) and one can feel the love and trust the characters have for each other. The idea that the cat is plotting his next move rings true with me because I have cats and I swear they know exactly what they are doing at all... read
A review of Labor's Dayby atlhalfjap on 09/09/2011While it is obvious that you love your Mother and your Father and the story was neatly tied up with "Pete" being a union man throughout I couldn't love this story as written. I was a bit jarred when you switched from the first person to the third, going from "my father" to "Pete" was noticeable and pulled me out of your story. Please remember that while YOU know who "Pete"... read
A review of The New Thirtyby atlhalfjap on 07/13/2005I thought this was well done over all. It was a fast read and I was charmed by Micheal although I wasn't surprised by his actions. Evelyn makes for a sympahteic character but I was a bit put off that she MIGHT have slept with Conrad. Having her sink to Micheal's level didn't seem in line with her character. Your charcters are distinct and the dialogue is snappy. You asked... read