For the most part, this is a great story. It is nicely constructed. I like the sentence structure. I like the way the words flow together. I like the originality of descriptions. It sounded like it was being told by someone who lived in another time, another place, another reality.
And it moved me. I could identify with the characters and felt empathy for what they were going through. I like the mythological tone, the unrequited love, the tragic hero. Very classic in tone and style.
The author shows promise. The story is very good, but there are some things that I think could use help. First is when she asks our hero if he is hurt. He says yes, and then instead of asking where he’s hurt, or what she can do to help, she asks, “Was the battle...horrible?” She admits that she finds the question ridiculous, but shouldn’t she be cleaning his wounds, or wiping his brow with a damp cloth?
If someone is injured, and too weak to take off their own armor, I would think the heroine would be tending to his wounds. And if he’s that weak, how does he find the strength to head off to battle a few short hours later?
I also didn’t understand where they were, or how each of them got there. I also didn’t understand why they were completely alone for the whole time. It sounded like they were at a public well. Given the fact that he was a legend, a national hero, and so famous that poems were written about him, I would think it odd that he went unnoticed. Plus the two of them lay on the cobblestone till morning and in all that time, no one comes by. Did I miss something?
Also, if he left his armor behind, did he head back into battle wearing just his “woolen breeches” and “leather codpiece?”
RE: “Purulent eyes” meets “profligate eyes”: The descriptions seem to disrupt rather than add to the flow of the story. It is not exactly romantic if someone has to go to the dictionary.
“Main” should be “mane.”
“A reckless thrum” sounds a bit awkward.
All these things are minor in relation to how strong the story is. It has a lot going for it. I hope to read more from this author.
~Keep on typing.
Review of: Just a Man
reviewed by BozDonovan on 02/25/2011
Other Reviews by BozDonovan 18
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A review of Dargonby BozDonovan on 02/22/2011This story made me sick and I say that as a compliment. The writer was very effective in making my skin crawl and my stomach churn. No easy feat considering I don’t scare easily, especially from a short-story. Caution was given before downloading: “WARNING: Graphic scenes and disturbing topical content.”Because I had read an earlier piece by the author, I ignored the warning... read