Other Reviews by chessaol 904

• 
  Treasure of the mirague
  A review of Mexican Showdown
  by chessaol on 05/21/2013
  The title doesn’t make me think of Mexican traditions like the action in the story speaks to Mexican stereotypes. The laborers with a heavy accent find treasure that ruins their lives. I think of the wishing well where the lucky victim gets a magic penny that when taken from the pocket magically replaces itself only to jinx the lucky wishing well winner. The storyline was... The title doesn’t make me think of Mexican traditions like the action in the story speaks to Mexican stereotypes. The laborers with a heavy accent find treasure that ruins their lives.
  I think of the wishing well where the lucky victim gets a magic penny that when taken from the pocket magically replaces itself only to jinx the lucky wishing well winner.
  
  The storyline was continuous with no lapses or pause. The action was continuous and the sound volume was excellent and loud so there was never a problem hearing all of the dialogue. Good.
  The accents usually make listing difficult but the actors spoke plainly and carefully enunciating the script. They did an excellent job.
  The actors were well suited to their roles even the kids. Excellent.
  
  Did I like the story? Yes.
  There was an immediate hook when the worker found a skull and the story kept coming at an excellent pace. read
• 
  Overdone trilord
  A review of The Time Travelling TriLord
  by chessaol on 05/21/2013
  The Trilord is obsessed with time travel and buys a new time ship. Then only 23 pages later he cranks it for a test-drive…. The writing is alternately detailed and plain with stilted use of the long words to try to impress. It would come over better if it were toned down a bit and only long words the author was sure of were used instead of cramming some in awkwardly. The... The Trilord is obsessed with time travel and buys a new time ship. Then only 23 pages later he cranks it for a test-drive….
  
  The writing is alternately detailed and plain with stilted use of the long words to try to impress. It would come over better if it were toned down a bit and only long words the author was sure of were used instead of cramming some in awkwardly.
  
  The story is in serious need of both proof reading and spell checker. There are numerous errors in spelling and syntax and effort should be made on the rewrite to try to even out the writing style so that the entire story is rich and detailed.
  
  I am not an English teacher and I give examples of problems. The author needs to do his own proof-work and pick up the similar errors scattered heavily through the story.
  
  P1..Too many Horatios, Horatio is used repeatedly until we don’t want any more Horatio…
  P1….40 in old earth years. Horatio has…
  Change to ..40 in old earth years, with…
  P1…Horatio was examing his (examined)
  P2… “..we had a small glitch…”
  Salesmen don’t bring up negatives when trying to make a sale. It would have been better if Horatio or Napoleon had brought up the glitch in conversation
  P6… after just admonishing somebody about reading history we get this….”stone looted form the Whitehouse…” (paraphrased) The Whitehouse is a wooden structure.
  P7…Paragraph break after…not one woman. Use a paragraph break whenever there is a change of subject.
  P12…Licences (licenses) Use spell checkers to avoid embarrassing oopses.
  P23… Napoleon is sat next to
  n Napoleon sat next to
  
  P24 Horatio and Napoleon share dialogue in the same paragraph. There should only be one speaking in each paragraph. When a different speaker speaks give them their space
  Horatio shouted. “Napoleon,”
  “Yes.” Napoleon fumed
  “Come here I need you.” = identifying the speaker each and every time is debated but probably a very good idea.
  
  There are numerous errors throughout the story and a judicious proofreading should pick them up. The story is good and inventive with a little skill and polish it can be good.
  Did I like the story? Yes.
  There is creativity and an attempt to include richness and humor. These are good things to have in a story but it comes off awkward at times because of too much use of marginal words from the dictionary. As a rule if the reading of a passage is difficult it should be a red flag to possibly edit and smooth out. There are a lot of rough patches.
  
  I didn’t get all of the errors, that is the job of the proofreader. After I accumulated quite a few I deliberately attempted to read and enjoy the story and only listed jarring problems.
  What was good about the story? There was a solid storyline that was straight and continuous without deviations, pauses or lapses. There is a conscientious attempt to make a rich reading experience and have characters that are three-dimensional. This is a good start! The problems while serious are cosmetic and easily fixed. I look forward to the rewrite. read
• 
  Stranger in a strange land
  A review of The Generous Foreigner
  by chessaol on 05/17/2013
  The story is about a chance encounter with a generous foreigner who gives a gift of modest value. The author has a good idea and does a pitiful job with it. There are many lapses in the storyline that need to be cleaned up. Spell checker was used and grammar and punctuation are adequate. A storyline has a beginning, a middle and an end and the reader shouldn’t see the end...
  The story is about a chance encounter with a generous foreigner who gives a gift of modest value.
  
  The author has a good idea and does a pitiful job with it. There are many lapses in the storyline that need to be cleaned up. Spell checker was used and grammar and punctuation are adequate.
  
  A storyline has a beginning, a middle and an end and the reader shouldn’t see the end coming and there should be a big moment, surprise or a twist at the end to set the story firmly in the readers mind.
  
  This story must have been edited several times by the author because he forgot to read what he wrote and blend it in with the story being told.
  IE: Rennagron came to Australia a week ago.
  What Rennagron did not know was, as irony would have it, his group migrated to Australia at about the same time when Stanley got his drug addiction.
  That means Stanley has a drug addiction that has made him homeless and destitute in one week?
  
  IE: “-- Even though the tooth was chipped from a knight’s sword, from centuries ago, he could still fetch eighty bucks for…”
  
  Where do we get a knight in this story? This is a completely unconnected bit of information that doesn’t add to the story but just confuses things.
  
  There are poor choices of syntax. IE “Grinded Mandrake,” should be ground mandrake.
  
  ---“They always had good beverages, made with such craftsmanship, and usually ready for him on a table before he came close.”
  
  This statement is awkward and doesn’t make sense in real life. Why would a restaurant in a town you have only been in a week put drinks on a table before you come close? It would be easier on the reader to change it to” drinks were placed on the table at his favorite restaurant even before he sat down…..or something like that.
  
  There are gaps and lapses and just poor proof reading in the story. I suggest to the author that he try one or more of several proofreading techniques.
  1.. Get somebody else to read over your work.
  2.. Wait a while after you write a piece to proof it.
  3.. look at the work with a fresh eye.
  
  Try not to read what you wrote but actually see the words. The human mind plays tricks and we see what we THINK we wrote instead of the words we actually wrote. A timeout helps or having somebody else read your work usually remedies the problem.
  
  I have other issues with the story that need work but are not review issues.
  The writing is very plain and the dialogue is spotty.
  Try to make your work richer which helps draw the reader into the story. What is happening around and to the characters? Make the information dense and interesting.
  
  A hook in the beginning works well for this purpose and making your character expose himself to a druggie who is in a cloud and suddenly realizes the man in front of him has scales and claws did that very well.
  
  Dialogue isn’t just people talking to each other it is a vehicle that moves characters around and reveals new aspects of the story or character. Try to consciously do this in writing your story and you will be amazed at how alive it makes the story.
  
  The author shows creativity and purpose and his idea was sound but the writing was weak. I look forward to your next story.
  read