Lunatics Review
I tried to write a review of your screenplay in the form of a summary, but I think my review works better if I just show my notes while I read your screenplay.
Not sure where you are going with the opening scene, but I’m intrigued… until Crazy John hacks of the cat’s head. Where are you going with this?
I see you’re introducing your ensemble, but the set-up for each scene is taking way too long with too much exposition. Characters are constantly explaining their intentions or verbalizing something you mentioned in your action lines.
This is a ninety page script – there needs to be some sense of conflict and urgency right away. We should be off and running from.
Right now I’m on page 24 and I think I’m getting a sense of a plot with the girls in the asylum concocting a plan to escape.
I’m 40 pages in and getting lost. What is the point of the story? People going crazy? There is no one in this story I care about or care enough about to want to follow. Most importantly, what’s the plot? It seems like you have a bunch of subplots thrown together. Even in ensemble pieces there has to be a foundation for the story.
50 pages in and the scenes feel like their being thrown together to fill 90 pages.
The roadside scene with most of your characters is tough to follow. It’s lacking a consistent tone. Is this a comedy? Sci-fi? Dark comedy? It seems like it is trying to be everything and nothing at the same time.
The last 20 pages of the story didn’t help matters. The coyote bit at the end was just strange.
Overall, this story needs a page 1 rewrite. You don’t need to adhere to the rigid forms of structure that most on this website preach, but you have to give this story coherent direction.
Other Reviews by Asu03
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I don’t mean to offend you but looking at the first page, I believe this is your first screenplay. If so, congratulations on finishing a story. If this is not your first screenplay please go to the library, grab a few books on formatting and purchase screenwriting software if you are serious about writing screenplay.
In this draft you have the case of the talking heads...
I don’t mean to offend you but looking at the first page, I believe this is your first screenplay. If so, congratulations on finishing a story. If this is not your first screenplay please go to the library, grab a few books on formatting and purchase screenwriting software if you are serious about writing screenplay.
In this draft you have the case of the talking heads. This reads more like a stage play than a screenplay. I don’t have a problem reading a screenplay with a lot of dialogue, but it rarely works, unless you’re Sorkin or Mamet. I see you are going for the slice of life angle in certain parts. There are moments where the dialogue is funny, but it overstays its welcome. You have a lot of scenes where we are not really advancing the plot; it’s just people talking about everyday things. Too often your characters are providing exposition which gives them a superficial feel. In everyday life, people use subtext. Granted, there are some moments where you need a character to provide information, but it seems that you have a monologue on every page.
In your synopsis, you mentioned Dave as the main character, but we really don’t see the movie through his eyes. The story feels more like an ensemble piece, which isn’t bad, but it doesn’t really match up with your logline. You give a lot of attention in the beginning to Donnie and Mark, making Dave a secondary character in numerous scenes.
The scene with airport security was strange. Even in a comedy, security would not let Dave go after attacking a TSA guard. There is another scene that gets out of hand in your screenplay: the one where Dave’s father gives away the code while talking in his sleep. This kind of whacky comedy doesn’t mesh well with the slice of life dialogue you are providing in your story. The script goes from being too grounded in some scenes and getting out of hand in others. You need to find a nice balance between the two.
In my opinion, the story really veers off course when Dave watches his grandmother’s tape. It starts off as a porno and then the end of the video is about lost diamonds? The tone of the story is inconsistent, and the revelation of the missing diamonds should appear earlier in your story, not the last twenty pages.
The ending of the story didn’t tie any of your storylines up, at least not in a satisfying manner. I highly advise you to read a few screenwriting books and look at structure, plot points, set-ups and payoffs. In this draft you just have a bunch of loosely connected scenes.
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I really don’t have a lot to add to this screenplay. Apartment B was a well written piece. It was apparent from page one that you have written a few screenplays before tackling this story. I found the story to be effective, but there is something going on that is preventing it from getting to the next level. As I was reading Apartment B I kept wondering what suggestions...
I really don’t have a lot to add to this screenplay. Apartment B was a well written piece. It was apparent from page one that you have written a few screenplays before tackling this story. I found the story to be effective, but there is something going on that is preventing it from getting to the next level. As I was reading Apartment B I kept wondering what suggestions I could make to help you. Unfortunately I cannot think of anything at the moment.
You have an interesting hook, but I am not sure the logline is enough to make it stand out, but I could be wrong. Once I opened the script, I was impressed with your pacing, characters and sense of mystery all the way to the very last page. My only complaint is that some of the dialogue came off a bit stale and derivative. In fact, I think that if you cut out some dialogue, it would enhance the mystery and increase the tension between your characters. The screenplay hit the right beats and I was intrigued the whole time.
Overall, I was impressed with the writing, but found the story a bit underwhelming. This screenplay still gets a high rating as it was one of the better screenplays I have read. The command of story is there; my advice is to look for a high concept idea. Keep plugging away!
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This screenplay needs some work. I think you have a fun concept forcing a movie star to become a member of the paparazzi, but you’re coming up short executing this concept at the moment. The problem you have with a concept like this is that you are taking two entities that are not really admired by the public. A lot of people see movie stars as spoiled brats and see the...
This screenplay needs some work. I think you have a fun concept forcing a movie star to become a member of the paparazzi, but you’re coming up short executing this concept at the moment. The problem you have with a concept like this is that you are taking two entities that are not really admired by the public. A lot of people see movie stars as spoiled brats and see the paparazzi as bottom feeders. As a result, it’s very hard to create sympathetic characters. That doesn’t mean who shouldn’t pursue this story, but you need to make sure to develop this characters into people we want to see succeed.
I think you need to go back and work on your characters. Matty comes off shallow, like you intended, but he doesn’t have enough time or situations to show his character arc. I felt like I barely got to know Allison. The reason why I didn’t connect with the characters is that it felt like you were too focused on moving the characters from one scene to another to try and take pictures of celebrities. You can keep that pace, but it would help if you took time between those scenes to give your characters time to breathe. There were a few nice moments during the second half of your story where we see a softer side to Matty and Allison, but I think you need to slowly show us their humanity in glimpses prior to these personal revelations.
There were positives in this story. This screenplay was easy to read. You didn’t go overboard with your action description and I read this story in a short amount of time. You kept my eyes moving the entire time. My advice is to go back and work on character development. Challenge them a little more and give the audience more time to see their positive contributions.
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