I tried to write a review of your screenplay in the form of a summary, but I think my review works better if I just show my notes while I read your screenplay.
Not sure where you are going with the opening scene, but Iím intriguedÖ until Crazy John hacks of the catís head. Where are you going with this?
I see youíre introducing your ensemble, but the set-up for each scene is taking way too long with too much exposition. Characters are constantly explaining their intentions or verbalizing something you mentioned in your action lines.
This is a ninety page script Ė there needs to be some sense of conflict and urgency right away. We should be off and running from.
Right now Iím on page 24 and I think Iím getting a sense of a plot with the girls in the asylum concocting a plan to escape.
Iím 40 pages in and getting lost. What is the point of the story? People going crazy? There is no one in this story I care about or care enough about to want to follow. Most importantly, whatís the plot? It seems like you have a bunch of subplots thrown together. Even in ensemble pieces there has to be a foundation for the story.
50 pages in and the scenes feel like their being thrown together to fill 90 pages.
The roadside scene with most of your characters is tough to follow. Itís lacking a consistent tone. Is this a comedy? Sci-fi? Dark comedy? It seems like it is trying to be everything and nothing at the same time.
The last 20 pages of the story didnít help matters. The coyote bit at the end was just strange.
Overall, this story needs a page 1 rewrite. You donít need to adhere to the rigid forms of structure that most on this website preach, but you have to give this story coherent direction.
Review of: Several Dead Lunatics
reviewed by Asu03 on 05/31/2012
Other Reviews by Asu03 190
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