Lust and the Stranger
Janelle Burmaster's short story "The Secrets We Don't Say" concerns a woman distraught over a fight with a roommate; she chances upon a therapist of sorts in the park and falls in lust with her. That the woman seeks counsel from a total stranger seems a bit contrived; by the end of the story we want her to live in the moment (and kiss the stranger) rather than figure out how to reconcile with her roommate. As for the title I suppose it has something to do with the lesbian creed of restraint in matters romantic? Burmaster anyway does a fine job of propelling the action and keeping the story together-- a few cliches barely dint the flowing prose. Overall, the love affair gets skewed by the author's insistance on tidying up the brouhaha with the roommate, which by the end of the story is of no consequence; by then the reader hopes the two women will leave their paltry pasts behind and elope.
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When reviewing an assignment, if something on the very first page catches my eye -- then the review tends to be done in page notes. Page notes:
1: It looks like you have FADE IN followed by two spaces before your master scene heading. While it's probably not the end of the world for your screenplay; the extra space stopped me, and I found myself wondering what the industry...
When reviewing an assignment, if something on the very first page catches my eye -- then the review tends to be done in page notes. Page notes:
1: It looks like you have FADE IN followed by two spaces before your master scene heading. While it's probably not the end of the world for your screenplay; the extra space stopped me, and I found myself wondering what the industry standard is. One space? Or two? It's one space --
FADE IN:
INT. WHERE EVER - DAY
Why is this important? Because you do not want your reader to be on guard for formatting issues.
4: INT. WINBROOK RETIREMENT LOBBY
Arlo enters the lobby
GLEN talks with seniors in the community room...
We are INT. LOBBY
Arlo enters the lobby...
You need a streamlined slug line before you introduce GLEN in the COMMUNITY ROOM
INT. WINBROOK RETIREMENT LOBBY
Arlo enters the lobby.
COMMUNITY ROOM
GLEN talks with SENIORS in the room.
Since the community room is an entirely different room than the lobby this scene would require the cameras, crew, lighting etc. to be moved shot and moved from the lobby to the community room within the Winbrook Retirement HOME
Example:
INT. BURNHAM - KITCHEN - DAY
Jane takes an egg from the fridge and walks into the
HALLWAY
She hums and tosses the egg
from hand to hand. She enters
BILLS BEDROOM
She sees Bill lying in bed. She
throws the egg at Bill.
Page 5: INT. DIANE'S OFFICE - DAY
"They enter the office."
Who enters the office? Who is in this scene? You're making extra work for your future AD or UPM, they will have to mark the script up.
After a master scene heading, it's best to write like this: "Where are we," followed by, "Who is there," followed by, "What are they doing." In that order, before you begin with any dialogue.
IMO the most important element in screenwriting is Clarity above all else. If your reader is totally confused over who is in the scene or what room we are in, you may lose your reader right there. If your contest reader is scratching their head, and scrolling up and down on the page to try and figure things out, your 'baby' is on it's way to being hurled. Just trying to help you.
5 & 6: Excellent dialogue between Diane and Arlo. Nice job. It's natural sounding and your use of quick back and forth exchanges draw this reader right down the page, then you effectively turn the beat, and move on. Way to go!
Also, good job with the characters here as well, they have a history together. Excellent reveal of back story without forcing the exposition into your characters mouths. It's natural sounding. Witty.
9: Is it necessary to give LINDA a name? Does she appear later on? Be careful of introducing too many characters.
11: Tina's line is killer, "I sell dope," tattooed across..." :)
15: I think you are introducing far too many characters, I'd bet most of them won't appear later. When writer keeps introducing character after character, it tells an experienced reader that the writer may no know where his story is going, so they introduce characters.
16: "gives her an piercing look.' (a?)
Yup, now Diana is talking about going to China. I don't think you know where the story is going. Where are the sequences? So far, we're just kind of bouncing in and out scenes that don't seem in anyway connected. They're working out. Then we pop into Arlo's bedroom where, surprise... he's having sex with Diane. It's another example of scenes out of no where.
Your audience needs to be following a central story paralleled by sequences.
19: Not sure that I'm buying the coincidence: Arlo and Renee in the book store.
21: Why does Arlo go and open up a cabin in the woods? Then the very next day he's back in an autopsy room... what is going on?
22: ahhh, now I remember, all the way back to page one or something, when Arlo or Chester mention going to the cabin to talk or something. See, thing is, you need to tighten up your sequences, not potential throw away lines, then 20 pages later, after being introduced to God know how many characters and plot lines later, we pop into the cabin scene.
Show Arlo at home flipping through a family album with old pictures of the family at the cabin. Then show him heading to the cabin and opening up for the summer or whatever, the reader will remember the conversation, then go to the cabin. Tighten up your sequences.
Connect and weave scenes into sequences.
25: Sigh. Everything seems totally unconnected. Arlo and Glen are just chatting about, 'How's the missus?" Where are we? What's the story? Where is the conflict?
27: You don't need to go into full descriptions of every single character and supporting roll characters, it's too much, at this point, I have absolutely no idea what any of these characters are wearing or look like for that matter, it's numbing. Stagnant describer after stagnant description kills the pace. Making the read a chore. Screenwriting is not about what your characters look like or what they are all wearing at their introduction; it's about what they are doing, what are their fears, what do they WANT.
Estelle is too convenient. She's introduced to move the story now. Arlo needs to be hunting for clues, not having them handed to him by a character that you conveniently introduce to the story. This does not work.
29: And now we meet "DORIS (50s) sitting at the receptionist desk. Are you kidding me? This is getting way out of hand, I'd bet you've introduced this reader to nearly 30 named characters.
What I am totally numb over is not an opinion -- you have far, far too many characters in this.
50: Where is the midpoint? Or plot point 1?
51: She watches Chester play another trumpet solo? What is the central story? Which character is driving the plot forward through his actions, want, goal? Where is the conflict? GOAL + OBSTACLE = CONFLICT. It has to be there.
59: "He knocks on the door of a middle-class home in a middle-class neighborhood." Remember, screenplays are best to be Spartan. Less is more.
66: And now they're at the cabin fishing. At this point in a well-structured script, your protag is struggling to achieve something with obstacles in his way.
97: Unfortunately, at this point, the entire script is disjointed. Situations just pop in for the convenience of the telling and plot. There is very little structure to this in its current state.
Work on your set up, inciting incident, plot point I, a midpoint, plot point II, central story and Arlo's goal, he needs to drive the story forward, he reacts, or worse, a character is introduced solely to give him information. Make Arlo proactive. What is at stake?
Sorry if you feel that I am being too harsh on this assignment; keep participating to get more feedback from some of the other members.
Keep at it.
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I really liked the first 5 pages; it's a killer opening with a smart twist -- then FADE TO BLACK. I'm hooked. But when Len and Todd are "shot in the heads," consider adding a line of action, 'they drop to the floor, executed. Lifeless." Or something like that, make it clear in the mind of the reader / audience that these guys are dead. As it stands, we're left with "shot in...
I really liked the first 5 pages; it's a killer opening with a smart twist -- then FADE TO BLACK. I'm hooked. But when Len and Todd are "shot in the heads," consider adding a line of action, 'they drop to the floor, executed. Lifeless." Or something like that, make it clear in the mind of the reader / audience that these guys are dead. As it stands, we're left with "shot in the head." -- Then what?
4: Trina's dialogue here (all your dialogue so far is good) but Trina's monologue sounds somewhat like Tyler Durden in "Fight Club when he scares a character straight. IMO this is too close.
4: Action line, "The sights are pretty bland: chain-stores, restaurants..." Chop 'pretty' from the description, it evokes something pretty followed by "bland" which evokes contradictory images. Nitpicking. "The sights are bland, chain -stores, used car lots or whatever.
IMO you are missing opportunities: the SUV should run over the posters; if Robby is your protagonist, you want Robby to have bad luck. Make the reader / audience sympathize / empathize his situation. Bad luck works well. Just a thought for you.
"He's interested, she isn't." Love that!
7: If the posters were torn and fucked up (conflict) that would give Clive an opening / ammunition where he could pour the smug on Robby. Their dialogue could be hilarious instead of Clive bantering Robby about his mother, add the crumpled torn poster talk into the scene, then turn the beat. Later in the evening, you could show the crumpled and taped up movie posters in frames in the lobby or whatever.
7: Ehh... maybe forget about my suggestion with the poster thing, Clive's second line of dialogue is perfect - "give two shits about the posters - funny stuff.
7 & 8 Excellent dialogue banter between Clive and Robby going on, revealing their background, history, you're developing these characters effectively, and their exposition sounds natural with quick back and forth jabs, then you turn the beat. Good stuff.
10: Clive line, his 2nd line - up from the bottom. IMO he is going a little too far here, "kids $%&*& all the time."
13: Something should happen pretty soon, something that ends all talk about sex, movies, dates, shitty place etc. You have created a compelling world, now something must happen, something comes along and throws their world upside down -- a new opportunity.
I have the feeling that you already know something needs to happen soon in a well structured story.
15: Good characterization here, each have their own point of view. But be careful of too many 'talking heads' scenes where the characters' dialogue is not driven by a goal, what do they want? Where is the conflict? I'm still giving you the benefit of the doubt that something (an incident) is coming soon which will (turn) turning point in sending the structure of this story into a new direction.
15: And here we go with the introduction of Tony B. Structure, listen, I'm not one of those guys who thump their screenwriting book on the desk, but I do think 120 pages is too long for this genre, even more so lately. Cut some of the banter in some of the scenes leading up to Tony B's intro -- get this closer to pages 10 to 13.
20: See... your reader has finally shut up for a bit, engaged in your story. Sorry about this totally lame way of writing reviews... sometimes scattered thoughts, always repetitive.
By this point in a well structured script: It's important to write so your characters are not reacting to situations, or just standing around hurling low-down (although clever) remarks at each other. Write so your main character drives the story forward with a goal --put obstacles in his way.
Keep tabs on your protagonist, is he hanging around ,or is he struggling to achieve something? Keep tabs on him. Weave sequences into the story, each sequence should have a beginning, middle and end.
I'm not suggesting that these guys should have a goal by page 15 at all. If they did IMO it would be too soon. But at this point usually something (an incident) has already come along and dropped them on their heads, and now they find themselves trying to adjust to this new situation where characters have their own point of view on WHAT to DO ABOUT IT.
Then, somewhere between 25 and 30 pages in, they come to the crossroads -- the end of act one, where he (protag) or they have a goal and they begin to pursue it.
19: Excellent stuff going on here between Clive and Robby, but I think your structure would improve if you chop and get this (debate sequence) closer to page 15. So far, you have all the right ingredients for a solid script. What's the page count? 120... yikes. These days, (in this genre) it's better to keep the page count closer to 100 - 105.
20: "left dickless in a ditch." :) Clever dialogue. Which is then followed by Robby, "You're a cop!" That's too OTN for you, or Robby for that matter, and since Robby is a movie nerd, wouldn't it suit him better to think of a famous movie cop, and call his sister out on it? Robby, "You're a real Sergeant Digham, you know that?!' Or, "You put Marge Gunderson to shame."
26: Gorman is awesome, killer dialogue, excellent writing throughout.
28 & 29: this is some of the best dialogue between Robby and Liza that I have ever read, and that includes produced scripts by Sorkin, Chayefsky, and whoever else. You have a rare brand of on screen dialogue -- it's an attribute.
31: Preston's introduction is also outstanding. "in a leisure suit, coked out of his mind for the last decade, enters." Wow.
Hey, I've been noticing a pattern in your dialogue when one character addresses another character, you need to stick a comma before the character's name that is being addressed. Not, "Your name Janning Lowe?" In screenwriting it's, "Your name, Janning?" It's "Hey, Margie." Not, "Oh my God Dan!" Calling Dan his God. It's, "Oh, my God, Dan!" Got it? Go through and stick the comma in.
32: The central story seems disconnected here. The story of Robby and Clive. And Janning isn't connecting in a sequence yet for this reader. The story lines don't feel like they're woven into a sequence... for example, where has Tony B been? Tony B? At this point it's been a while since he's been around. Tighten up the story sequences.
36: And it looks like I was right back on page 15 or whatever it was. Now you introduce us to Jay in the trucker diner talking to Trina about movies and actors, what is the central story?
IMO Robby needs to be driving the story with a goal. By 36 minutes into this film, your audience has no reason to keep their asses seated. GOAL + OBSTACLE = CONFLICT. It has to be there. Maybe not in some whack-bag 3-minute art house film; but any decent feature needs a character who wants something and will do anything to achieve it.
Here's the thing, you can't keep popping in and out of different story lines, they need to be connected and run parallel (side by side) in sequences, each sequence no matter how short or long need a beginning, middle and end to keep your audience compelled in a fast-paced story.
Well it can be slow paced but that's an entirely different and more suited for a love story.
Thing is, experienced reader can see problems arising in the set up: within the first 10 to 15 pages, they can tell is the writer is in command of his story / making everything count / every scene / every word -- Spartan. Make every single thing count, using call backs to previous scenes works really well. This helps the reader to trust the writer, that he / she knows the story. Know your story. Every second of it.
38: These talking heads are going on for far too long.
45: The scenes are still hopping around with no central story.
Your writing / action lines / descriptions rank with the best, so does your dialogue. Iinteresting characters too. IMO you've got all that down all day long. Work on story / structure / goal / turning points / sequences / central story / conflict. It suffers from the lack of.
51: Yeah, it's all unconnected scenes. Things just pop up out of nowhere.
60: and the characters continue to chat about movies and actors - - talking heads with nothing at stake.
NO CONFLICT
Recharge Robby, he's a likable character, make this his story.
Here's what I would do, rewrite this entire script into a 20 page short. Limit yourself to 20 pages. Figure out the story that you want to tell. Who's story you want to tell. As it is, you have all of the necessary skills to write a compelling, marketable script. But it lacks something at stake, something that can be lost.
68: Now his script is back in the story, it's been way too long since the script was a goal. IMO drop the script thing from the story, it's overdone and cliche. Tell the story you want to tell.
Where did Tony B (or whatever his name was go?
70: Remeber, it's not, "She's not Liza." -- it's, "She's not, Liza.
72: period or -- after 'raises her pistol
112: Excellent sequnce happening here.
119: HA HA - Robby and Trina...
Hope this review helps
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First, I want to comment on what grabbed me right away: your screenwriting. Like anything else it takes time and work to learn the craft, and may I say, your writing is excellent. It quickly evokes clear images in the mind of the reader.
Also, you use concrete language thank you. Why does this matter? Because I was at ease within the first few pages, relaxed and trusted you...
First, I want to comment on what grabbed me right away: your screenwriting. Like anything else it takes time and work to learn the craft, and may I say, your writing is excellent. It quickly evokes clear images in the mind of the reader.
Also, you use concrete language thank you. Why does this matter? Because I was at ease within the first few pages, relaxed and trusted you as a screenwriter who knows his craft making it easy for this reader to become involved in your fast paced and compelling story.
The set up works well because you introduce the reader to the world your characters inhabit without bogging the story down with stagnant describers. Bam. Bam, Bam. And I'm in there. Then you introduce us to Debrina, your protagonist, it is clear that this is her story, she moves it forward, and by page 8 we're watching a chase through the streets of LA.
Nice going by the way with the street choices, I could see this playing out in my mind: Santa Fe, 2nd, 3rd... perfect location choosing the warehouse-ridden grids.
Debrina is making Steve McQueen proud ;) This is the most engaging first 12 pages that I have come across here on the site. Well done!
13:NASH dialogue, consider switching "Biggest mistake you ever made, rapin." I read rap as in rap music, not raping. This stopped me: full stop, and I had to think about it for a sec.
22: Love the way Debrina is still trying to get a hold of Becks. Nice work. Nice sequence here.
22: "Upset veils her face," ehh.
24: Use the 'what' thing in your dialogue. Watch...
BECKIE
"Christ, Debs! You've gotta stop this..."
DEBRINA
Stop what?
BECKIE
"This mind-fuck you keep having. The Director."
Using "What?" can break up forced sounding exposition.
Also, you have a lot of 'window' words that drop down to begin a line of action and they're all by themselves -- "takes Debrina's hand. Comforting." Comforting hanging out alone at the beginning of a second line of action makes the page count longer if 'window' words are excessive. Cut them, or cut in line one and bring them up to line one.
Solid structure with the turning points and reversals landing near the right pages or percentage of the story. Can't get enough of this script so far. Way to go.
But I always skip over the double sided dialogue, no idea what the formatting term is, but I hate it. Produced scripts as well -- I scan it. Consider rewriting and using the plain old vertical format. Maybe this will help your dialogue ranking... who knows.
One more gripe about this page, "She emits a short sardonic laugh." IMO that is overwriting. "Emits." In my previous assignment a character "emitted a fart or something." Chop, chop: "He farts." .. "She laughs: sarcastic in tone." IMO my suggestion is concrete and easier to visualize and hear.
28: And I caught myself biting my nails ;)
29: Cool it with the word 'emits.' ... ;0
30: Love your use of FADE TO BLACK here. IMO this works really well. We all know that some writers bash the 3 Act structure, not me. I like it. Always have, always will. Gotta be there in solid story. Has to happen. Good work!
22: "Upset veils her face," ehh.
24: Use the 'what' thing in your dialogue. Watch...
BECKIE
"Christ, Debs! You've gotta stop this..."
DEBRINA
Stop what?
BECKIE
"This mind-fuck you keep having. The Director."
Using "What?" can break up forced sounding exposition.
Also, you have a lot of 'window' words that drop down to begin a line of action and they're all by themselves -- "takes Debrina's hand. Comforting." Comforting hanging out alone at the beginning of a second line of action makes the page count longer if 'window' words are excessive. Cut them, or cut in line one and bring them up to line one.
Solid structure with the turning points and reversals landing near the right pages or percentage of the story. Can't get enough of this script so far. Way to go.
But I always skip over the double sided dialogue, no idea what the formatting term is, but I hate it. Produced scripts as well -- I scan it. Consider rewriting and using the plain old vertical format. Maybe this will help your dialogue ranking... who knows.
One more gripe about this page, "She emits a short sardonic laugh." IMO that is overwriting. "Emits." In my previous assignment a character "emitted a fart or something." Chop, chop: "He farts." .. "She laughs: sarcastic in tone." IMO my suggestion is concrete and easier to visualize and hear.
28: And I caught myself biting my nails ;)
29: Cool it with the word 'emits.' ... ;0
30: Love your use of FADE TO BLACK here. IMO this works really well. We all know that some writers bash the 3 Act structure, not me. I like it. Always have, always will. Gotta be there in solid story. Has to happen. Good work!
-- Two readings on this assignment: back to the top of page 8 -- Attendant dialogue, "All set. they're on their way. Cap the t on "They're."
45: "The sodium glow of the streetlights..." "Sodium glow" stopped me, threw me out for a sec trying to visualize what that would look like. Nitpicking here.
48: I like this dream sequence. Well done!
49: Excellent midpoint with Debrina and Beckie morph together and become one. Clever.
49: IMO the tone gets thrown off when Lance is at her bedside, and "he sports a warm but concerned smile." Followed by his abrupt dialogue, shouting, "Hey! It's okay. Shush! Consider cutting "sports a warm but concerned smile." Maybe he's bedside then something happens to cause him alarm.
52: Lance, "You're in hospital." In (a) hospital?
53: Use the 'what' thing.... Debrina, "It's complicated." Lance, "what's complicated? Debrina, "I can't fathom any of this myself." Lance, "Fathom what?" Try to break up the exposition a bit, with a few quick back and forth exchanges until one character turns the beat. A little more natural sounding, and a little less forced.
53: lone action line, "Lance gives." ... "gives in?
Also, you use the word 'regards' a lot, maybe, "he looks her in the eye, studies her"... Nitpicking again.
58: Ah, Eric was wrong about the midpoint. Nice job!
60: Rawlings, "that's my gut on spin-dry." :)
61: Solid structure to this!
63: "Debrina and Mike don latex surgicals." "Don?" Debrina and Mike wear latex gloves... don't let the language call attention to itself.
68" "All-coy, Debrina smiles like a love-struck teen." Love, love that! In fact, I'm gonna steal that one ;)
71 & 72: Nice pick up: switch -- "gaining momentum..."
77 & 78: Would you lose anything by cutting the reporter? And get this sp closer to 105 pages?
Also, i would try to cut some of the pleasantries in the dialogue throughout the entire script in an effort to cut this down, closer to 105 pages or so. Just a thought. IMO if there is no conflict: cut it.
79: I think Lance calls Debs out by name too much in his dialogue when addressing her; it seems unnatural for one character to keep addressing another person by name in a scene.
80: Be careful not to have characters talking about what the audience already perceives or knows.
98: Rawlings should order a squad car to Debrina's now. Not, 'as soon as possible.' IMO
100: Nice reveal from Mike.
103: Lance?! Nice going.
104: be careful of the pleasantries, 'you okay/" "Yes, I'm fine..." You can cut this and get to the meat of the concerns. "Where are you?" ..."Listen, I need you to..." cut the "Are you okay" stuff.
108: A ticking clock -- and the stakes are raised!
112: Best car chase that I have ever come across! Riveting read here.
115: Wow!
And it's all wrapped up with a satisfying resolution.
Hope this review is helpful to you.
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