As much as I would like this to be a full comedy I was fully aware that it was probably going to be more of a serious adventure story. The disparity between the raunchiness of the highs and the bleakness of the lows was, however, not something that I was expecting. This is a great concept for a comedy. Two stoners mixed up in a murder plot trying to get out by the time their trip kicks in would have been perfect for a late seventies Cheech & Chong flick. Hell, I’d write it.
Anywho, comedy or no, the concept sounds pretty cool which is why I wanted to read this. I’ll start this review with some notes that I took as I read.
7 - Funny so far. “I find that strangely appealing.” Good stuff.
18 - It’d be nice to have actual neighborhoods and street names but it’s not a big deal.
26 - Too far into the script to get here but I was glad we were getting to the real story now.
29 - Shouldn’t they eat the shrooms before the murder? Even I wouldn’t eat a bunch of super-shrooms after that shit. And I’m really dumb!
41 - Still just a straight up raunchy comedy. It’s half of the movie. If you're gonna go dark you gotta start sooner.
47 - So, uh, why are they doing this subplot? Maybe you need to hammer down exactly what these guys are carrying in the way of motivation. You’d think Atticus wouldn’t want to take drugs after a murder. You’d think these guys would want to contact police or get off of the street and hide but instead they get led into an apartment and then agree to go sell a bunch of coke just as their buzzes are kicking in. I’m just not sure why they decide to do what they do when they do it so far.
It turns out one of them is just really stoned and is imagining all of this anyway. Oh… I can’t get into that from a critical standpoint let alone if I had just watched this myself.
55 - Predictable turn in such an overall insane script but it is structurally sound. Stakes get raised here.
56 - Vial.
71 - Add some color to this stuff. He’s in a crazy dream high. What’s the world around him look like?
I’d love to see stuff like a living 3rd rail that shoots sparks floating into the air or graffiti morphing and coming to life around him. Insect wings are good. I’d just suggest more compelling visuals for the screen.
77 - Describe his eyes? Etc, etc, etc.
83 - Describe the souls and their departures?
86 - Mixed up action lines here?
91 - These flashbacks are going to be disorienting on-screen.
99 - Or you could go to the Bahamas like you said. That might more sense. You did make kind of a big deal around that living poster with Alice on it and the three girls. All that shit was just for that one superfluous scene?
So, how does it all add up?
Let’s start with the first half -
"Fantasy" Atticus and Francis, while being reasonably different in terms of character, sound a lot alike most of the time. Atticus is your average smart-ass sex hound that you see in just about every raunchy comedy. It works okay but he needs something else if he’s gonna stick out. That goes for our straight man Francis too.
I like the singing girls and Alice. It's just fun and slightly charming.
There’s no real tension and you could have plenty of it if that’s something you want to do.
You’re probably missing plenty of opportunities to make this thing a true visual feast. They’re hallucinating, after all. Watch some old ass cartoons - you know, the ones where all the animators were addicted to ether - and get inspired.
And then there’s the second half -
You might benefit from a little more comedy in the second half. Or tone most of it down in the first half. The first half is a screwball buddy comedy and the second half is a dark hallucination followed by a depressing supposed sobriety. I’d like to see the second half lighten way the fuck up or see the first half, well, just like not exist I guess.
So, what I mean is that you David Lynch-ed me by shoving two movies with completely different tones together and blending them into a single story that appears to be a delusion but is dispelled after a tripped out journey and the audience sees the “truth” with their own eyes. It is a harsh truth and one that is far too cruel and tonally different for our audience, who should be invested in the characters from the delusion that didn’t really even exist, to truly get on board with.
It’s a nice job of blurring the lines between reality and fantasy that could be made better with additional clarity. I’m not really sure what the chain of events truly was. Right now I feel like it’s all too muddled. I don't mind a fake reality, I just wonder why it was so important for me to experience the delusion. What does the delusion have to do with the reality? I know you may have wanted a level of confusion but it isn’t that satisfying in the end because it opens up too many questions. Who was the dude in the beginning and why’d he see the woman in the white dress? What caused the massive delusions? What was the point of spending half of the movie in a pleasant fantasy world that didn’t exist but was totally normal and mundane in most respects just to switch over to a second, whackier and visually trippy fantasy world that grows darker and darker, finally winding up in a barrage of flashbacks that may or may not be real themselves?
It’s just too schizophrenic for my tastes. But it’s not bad and it is a well done script that I enjoyed experiencing. You get no below average marks from me in any way. I just couldn’t truly dig it on the same level that I am sure others will.
I hope these comments can assist you in some way. Hit me back if you wish.
Good luck and cheers!
The Yard birds - Lost Woman
The Beatles - Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
The Buzzcocks - Moving Away From the Pulsebeat
The Police - Secret Journey
White Town - Your Woman
Crystal Castles - Tell Me What To Swallow
Kings of Leon - The End
Review of: The F Line
reviewed by MSchmidt13 on 11/12/2010
Review ID: 3486909
Other Reviews by MSchmidt13 92
A review of Monster Mash - OLD SOM Nomby MSchmidt13 on 01/03/2011Aloha, amigo! Let’s boogie… 2 - It’s a pretty good sign when the second line of your script can make me laugh out loud. 7 - I think that last scene works better this time around. 8 - Dang, yo, Ted’s a total villainous mother fucker. Kind of abrupt. 15 - Love that scene. 16 - And it gets better. The pitfalls of our antag’s comedic foils works so well when you pair it with... Aloha, amigo! Let’s boogie…
2 - It’s a pretty good sign when the second line of your script can make me laugh out loud.
7 - I think that last scene works better this time around.
8 - Dang, yo, Ted’s a total villainous mother fucker. Kind of abrupt.
15 - Love that scene.
16 - And it gets better. The pitfalls of our antag’s comedic foils works so well when you pair it with a bunch of idiot kids. The idiot kids should probably get wise soon but, eh. I’ll wait.
20 - “Smoke plumes out of every bandage on his body…” is a very nice visual description.
Not the dreaded Facebook humor. I know there must be a way to be topical yet timeless. I’m not sure how to get there but some moral compass inside of me says that I have to refrain from mentioning the awful beast by it’s proper name.
“Monster Mash” as social satire? Could it be? Eh. Not so fast…
21 - And I may have made the criticism before, not sure, but no one wants to vicariously risk their neck for some broad that wants to go on breaks over dumb shit. Try to get some sort of actual human problem in there somewhere. An extended trip abroad like in a movie such as “Say Anything” (or something similar) could work really well. “Mallrats“ is really good too. Not like actually movie wise. I just love that fucking flick. I dunno. Give us a couple of different relationship problems even if you have rudimentary solutions by the end of the flick.
24 - You gotta go with Miley Cyrus nowadays. Sign of the times, amigo.
In other news, I feel old.
25 - “Sounds like?” - Nice.
32 - There is more going on than I remember. I really like how much awesome imagery and trailer moments that you have squeezed out of the concept this time around.
33 - Totally psyched that the mummy has switched sides. He’s like a reanimated Harpo Marx. Not quite as good but still quite a comparison.
43 - If only Zuul from “Ghostbusters” could be defeated by Google.
46 - Funny juxtaposition to counter all of the glaring exposition.
47 - I was already sure that you’ve heard that Will doesn’t really scream “leading man” but stuff like this, scenes where he has to take the leadership role on his shoulders and go it alone, will really make him stand out. I think you need that even in an ensemble piece. Even if it’s something small. A handful of moments can go a long way.
52 - “…probably your vagina.” Haha.
54 - No words! Just Will springing into action and single-handedly saving Chuck.
75 - I’m expecting a “Hamlet” riff anytime now…
77 - If you bust into in a Wal-Mart style store then every aisle could present a different theme. Maybe you could use that. Lily and Dom in the butcher’s section. Will in the Home & Garden section. Chuck and Chubby in the toy aisles or juvenile clothing.
You could also probably cut a few pages from these sequences if you want to get leaner.
82 - Chubby did that pantomime already.
85 - Set-up the unicorn early on and these scenes will kill.
88 - ehhh
94 - “What?” indeed.
95 - Great dueling one-liners.
100 - uhhh
101 - Death or undead sexual slavery? What’s worse?
102 - Not sure why you would do this. You know you already run the risk of comparison. “Shaun of the Dead” wants its gag back.
How does it all add up?
I can only see one real flaw. The male and female leads are fucking duds. The chicks probably need a nice boost. Sandra doesn’t really matter much. Lily is actually pretty decent. I know I said before that Lily and Dom don’t bond enough to be bang buddies. It’s still true here. You just moved that one scene to act as an icebreaker. And then the funny tit scene to resolve their romantic subplot…
My buddy made me watch “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” the other night while we were all getting plastered and it didn’t take long for my drunk ass to get into it. What a great movie, right? One reason is all the goddamn zany, endearing characters. Remember all those weasels? You’ve got yourself a squad of goons that would match up well against any others.
You could try to retain some uncertainty as to whether or not Chubby will betray the Mystery Machine, Scooby-snack gang of protags.
Dialogue is sometimes totally on the nose but whatever. It’s a comedy. People actually say stuff that’s on the nose in real life all the time. You have a good chunk of really funny lines and exchanges.
I remember one complaint vividly. Don’t kill a lead character’s mother. Now you’re killing lead characters too. It seems like Dom’s Mom getting stabbed up is placed much earlier in the movie this time and you didn’t spend any time with her before she appears as a woof woman. I suppose that’s a good move. You manage to sort of side step that one with the whole silver thing. These factors have certainly made it an easier plot point to swallow. And speaking of swallowing, I don’t think the amount of death and gore really changes the tone of the story at any point. It remains consistently raunchy and consistently horrific, which is fine as long as it’s constant.
You’ve retained your little, campy homages which I empathize with. Just assume no one will get it and keep it all within context. Also assume that this will get an “X” rating. You’re the next “Midnight Cowboy” with all this cock slapping.
You have certainly improved this script in most areas. You action sequences are tight and feature multiple angles on varying conflicts at times, the bus scene in particular was thrilling. You have found your mania and reigned it in steadily.
Hope these comments can assist you in some way.
Bad Manners - Monster Mash
The Byrds - My Back Pages
Misfits - Hybrid Moments
Koffin Kats - Darker Place
LMFAO - Shots
Misfits - Monster Mash
Social Distortion - Indulgence
Tchaikovsky’s, 1812 Overture Finale
David Bowie - Lady Stardust
Bobby “Boris” Pickett - Monster Mash
A review of 5,4,3,2,1-GO! (Orgasm Mix)by MSchmidt13 on 11/16/2010Aloha! First things first, guys. Your title has way too many fucking numbers in it. In fact, I never allow numbers to dictate when I do or don’t do something. That’s why I always randomize their order to keep mother fuckers on their toes. So, just forget all the numbers ‘cause that’s what I do and I just go when I feel like it. You should replace them all with exclamation... Aloha!
First things first, guys. Your title has way too many fucking numbers in it. In fact, I never allow numbers to dictate when I do or don’t do something. That’s why I always randomize their order to keep mother fuckers on their toes. So, just forget all the numbers ‘cause that’s what I do and I just go when I feel like it. You should replace them all with exclamation points ‘cause you need more of those wherever possible. You should also probably just replace all of the other letters, commas and dashes with exclamation points too.
Oh, wait. This is a script?
Here’s the, uh, notes, I guess.
4 - That’s it. You’ve just lost all of my faith in these characters. I want to see the good in Charity! Her name is Charity! She must have a heart of gold!
6 - “like” they’re going to puke. What does that even mean? I just can’t buy into the authenticity of these characters and I’ve given you almost six whole pages to tell me everything I’ll ever need to know about them and you haven’t done it. Yawn!
15 - Shouldn’t the girls get in the kids’ faces with sexual propositions so the kids can pussy out like pansies?
“…and the girls…do something inconsequential while looking hot or something.”
By God, I think you two have finally figured out how to break into Hollywood!
16 - “Casing’s intact.” Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow the fuck down, scientists. You’ve lost me.
21 - A normal human being would have started shooting ten pages ago! Geez!
27 - Serious screenwriters don’t miss question marks. Inexcusable.
28 - Please tell me that this is modeled after “the hero’s journey”.
35 - I hate flashbacks.
41 - Brutal scene no matter what kind of flick. You two must watch a lot of “Spartacus: Blood and Sand”.
43 - “Faith, light bulb goes off.” doesn’t make the desired impression on me.
49 - Who’s Andy? Oh, right! The dude. Nevermind…
63 - Alligators with top hats? Awesome.
72 - Nothing more creative up your sleeve? I’d think you two could come up at least twenty hilarious strip club names and/or themes. Sounds like a fun drinking game.
103 - …
What? Oh, movie’s done. Fair enough.
Once Mikey was reduced to muttering “Kill! Kill! Kill!” I realized that while this is all fun and good, you could have made a much funnier and smarter movie while retaining all of the self-awareness of the porn/exploitation genre that made this enjoyable.
And, you know, I’m friends with a lesbian and she insists that lesbians do not scissor and I just call bullshit on that. That's like saying no two lesbians in the world have ever scissored each other, right? It's just fucking preposterous.
How does it all add up?
Great porno movie...or...the greatest porno movie ever? It would certainly be the most expensive.
Characters? There were characters? I didn’t really bother paying attention to which one of the girls was talking. Hope is the dumb broad who thinks she knows so much, right? Annoying. I hate bitches like that. But they were all hot so it was cool. I’d probably bang them as long as they just moaned and screamed and didn’t actually form words ‘n shit. Unless those words were dirty. Stud was okay but he wasn’t extreme enough. It would have been better if you had just cast me in the movie. I would have fucked twice as many chicks and blew up like a thousand times more stuff.
I literally cannot imagine a single thespian that wouldn’t leap at the chance to stretch their acting boundaries within these roles.
You’ve got roles for Hulk Hogan, Sasha Grey, the restless ghost of Jackie Gleason, Kelly Ripa, that lady from “Murphy Brown”...
How could this movie not get made? I do think you’re missing Julie Strain but, shit, kids today, ya know? What the fuck?
Did you count the number of “fuck”s? Can I get a grand total please? Or just fucks in dialogue. Those are the ones that really fucking count.
I feel like my grandparents got together and wrote a snuff film.
When I inevitably teach amateur screenwriting at the community college I will use your script as a teaching tool and hand it down to tomorrow’s youths and bored elderly.
The best part? I jerked it like seven times before the third act. The worst part? I felt like there was something more important that I could have been doing.
I hope these comments can assist you in some way.
Good fucking luck and fucking cheers, you fucking fucks!
Van Halen - Unchained
Ween - Piss Up a Rope
Rehab - Sittin’ At a Bar
Maria Muldaur - Midnight at the Oasis
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home Alabama
Warrant - Cherry Pie
Bob Seger - Famous Final Scene
Van Halen - House of Pain read
A review of White Collar Sociopathsby MSchmidt13 on 09/24/2010Aloha! I am not sure as to how receptive you will be towards this review and my opinions. Truth be told, I’m usually kind of an asshole. Reviewing isn’t something I particularly enjoy. I’m pretty much just trying to tell you what to do with your own creation. You can take what I have to say or you can leave it and no matter what it’s just my opinion. I’m only one dude in a... Aloha!
I am not sure as to how receptive you will be towards this review and my opinions. Truth be told, I’m usually kind of an asshole. Reviewing isn’t something I particularly enjoy. I’m pretty much just trying to tell you what to do with your own creation. You can take what I have to say or you can leave it and no matter what it’s just my opinion. I’m only one dude in a sea of dudes. I can only assure you that I am trying to help you but when you get down to it I am just going to tell you what I would do if I were you. You’re a new screenwriter, right? I’m going to start from the bottom and work my way up. This is all just how I personally do things and prefer them to be.
(cough) So, let’s get on with the review. I’m writing down my notes based on the PDF page numbers.
2 - Right off the rip I’m going to suggest that you keep all action line descriptions active. For instance “An Asian man is peering…” should be “An Asian man peers…”. “is” and “are” are both good words to try to spot and avoid.
See, this is a little point but I’m going to point it out and it will never stop.
“oriental as can be”. I’m gonna leave that one alone for now. Unless you’re writing a scene that requires a person’s identity to be purposefully shrouded, you need to introduce people by their full name (IN BIG FUCKING CAPS) the first time that we see them on screen.
Does this Asian man appear to be in his mid forties or is he just (44) right when you introduce and, preferably, name him?
Get a copy of Trottier’s screenwriting book. I’m sure I’m not the first to mention it. I doubt there’s a total industry standard as to how a screenplay should look and read but that book is pretty much as close as you’re gonna get.
There’s a trick to all of this. Appear to be a professional even if you are not.
“A look as if he is hiding something” How would you describe that to someone?
The building is not a sleeping giant. It’s not like a sleeping giant in any way.
Write more like “Sun rays reflecting off the windows bounce away in an orange glow”. That’s better.
And when you finally wrap up this page you have three little star thingies like this *** and then a bunch of crap that you’re telling the reader.
You are a screenwriter. You job is to create a script that will ultimately translate to an audience. The audience can only see what you show us or hear what you tell us. The reader who reads this script is not who you should be writing to. Focus on two things for now: What happens and what is heard.
3 - “(High but mid-range voice)” Something like this is probably what I’m going to point to when I tell you that you are wasting my fucking time. Because you waste a lot of my fucking time.
And I’m going to give you shit for not knowing how to use proper grammar. It’s important to appear capable even if you are not. How do you think I got my job at the chemical sewage plant?
If you can’t read your own script and spot stuff like “They love makers…” then why should I?
You grammar is fuuuuuuuuuuucking awful. You gotta get the basics down and if all else fails just keep it simple.
It is truly insulting to read a script that the author hasn’t. How many times have you read your own goddamn script?
5 - You got big ass paragraph-style blocks of action lines. Think of every line like a shot in a movie. See if that helps.
8 - Why do you keep telling us more and more about his looks? I don’t care. I will never smell anyone’s arrogance through a television set and the only way I will ever think of this guy as arrogant is when he does some stuff that is arrogant or says something that is arrogant. See where I’m going with this?
Actions tell us who characters are. Not the screenwriter.
I know that Derek is a man capable of murder but I’m not quite sure what his motivation was. All I can assume is that he must really dig his wife. Maybe he’s disgusted with his own homosexuality.
And that’s it so far. Because that’s all you’ve shown me.
9 - Do you have any idea what your characters just said or what it specifically pertains to? If you just thought it would be some good bullshit business jargon that’s fine but you’d better not think this equals an in-depth look at the dark world of corporate espionage or some other horseshit.
“they” call ‘em “oatmeal cream pies”, do they? Oh. That’s cool. I don’t. Maybe you shouldn’t. It’s one thing for a character to say something incredibly racist but you’re the only one speaking so far.
What is the point of this scene with Amir? He’s smoking a cigarette next to a sweet ass car and the city looks all sweet as he stares out across it and the sunlight hits his brown eyes all sweet and none of it has anything to do with your plot.
From this point on you should look at every scene that you will ever write and ask yourself - “If I took this out would the message/story/movie/whatfuckingever still make sense?” If the answer is “yes” then you should consider cutting that scene.
10 - Again with the office?! I don’t give a fuck.
11 - You should say “window”. I thought he was slamming her head down onto a drinking glass at first.
12 - You’d have to assume everyone would murder this wife in this fashion if it were as easy as you make it appear. Come to think of it, I’ve got some folks I’m not that fond of. Maybe I’ll consider renting office space.
13 - You’ve got a five line paragraph and all it amounts to is: “Detective Scott peers at Derek”. That’s it.
15 - He gets cut off and immediately stops speaking. That is totally not “alpha dog” behavior.
17 - Is “UR” some new word I’ve just been made aware of? Again, this is a script not a text message to my fourteen year old girlfriend.
“The China man named Mr.Kim is at home now.” Is this a fucking joke? Are you serious with this shit? I feel like I’m reading an unproduced Ed Wood script at this point.
18 - A ten line paragraph relayed this information to me: “A helicopter lands. Two assholes get off.”
What you have written sounds more like a transcript of a Puff Daddy video from the mid-nineties.
19 - What’s the detail? What’s he seeing on Mr. Kim’s computer screen. You don’t know, do you?
22 - “altered monthly reports”, eh? At least it’s something.
23 - No one cares about the gas efficiency of his car. Does that come into play at some point in the story?
I understand that you have a vision. You should have a perfect, vivid vision. But this is just more shit that no reader needs to be told. Focus on what really matters. Focus on the story and the characters. Even focus on their dialogue. Forget all the stuff that doesn’t really matter.
24 - You’re on the right track with the Killer A, Killer B, Killer C stuff. This is the right way to keep characters concealed on screen.
26 - We don’t know what characters are thinking. You have to convey stuff like this through emotions or actions.
28 - A Boston Cream with sprinkles sounds so good right now.
38 - Dillinger is a bank robber from the early 1930’s. A Derringer is a tiny pistol.
39 - Fox? That’s barely a news channel.
42 - Why is Todd referring to White by his last name? Isn’t Todd’s last night “White” too? Because they are brothers? You know? Right? Are you paying attention to your own work?
43 - For a sociopath, Derek is a fucking pussy. How many times is he going to beg someone not to shoot him? (Twice)
45 - Suddenly this pilot is a badass talking shit. Why is that? Really. Ask yourself that.
This is a guy who works for a living as a pilot. He’s not some criminally-inclined goon from a Tarantino movie. How about he makes an emergency landing and cooperates with police? That sounds more likely in the real world.
47 - A hundred dollars for one call? Take that deal! Who wouldn’t? Characters need to behave like normal people. If someone gave me a hundred bucks to borrow my cell phone I would totally dig it. Wouldn’t you? Then why not this hick? He gets a rifle instead. I guess that’s so we can have another gun fight. Whatever.
What a theme it would be if you tried to say that everyone in the world is an unbalanced sociopath. Seriously. That’s way more interesting than anything else in here.
48 - and on that note…
What the fuck? He opens the door?
Is everyone in your story retarded?
He walks her over to the exit and doesn’t get, oh, I don’t know, SUCKED OUT OF THE FUCKING PLANE? Aye carumba, dude. I don’t know what to make of all this random shit.
50 - Tears? Sociopaths don’t care about their dead cousins, dude. I thought you’d at least keep the sociopath part consistent. Have you done any research at all?
I have a feeling this dude is just a violent misogynist anyway. What a protagonist! You know what a protag is?
51 - What’s a “Dosh bag”?
52 - It was the killing two people that did it? Not the hi-jacking of the private plane and the kidnapping of two hostages? He didn’t think the police might care about that?
“INT. PRIVATE JET SUICIDE ATTEMPT - DAYLIGHT DIES” - What is this? Because it’s definitely not a proper slug line, I’ll tell you that much.
59 - I’d assume his asserts were seized but whatever. Who really cares at this point?
65 - I have a “White Horse” bar in my town too.
66 - That was pretty easy. Why doesn’t every prisoner arrange for a goddamn helicopter to pick them up?
67 - Introduce them as OSCAR and ABDUL.
And why the hell is this shit in your screenplay? What the hell do these two have to do with the plot?
77 - “Ms. Layla”…Is that because you didn’t give her a last name?
87 - The brother betraying brother subplot is good.
88 - A seventeen line paragraph posing as an action line might be a new record.
90 - So, you figure you can take your favorite elements from “American Psycho” and “Scarface”, hack them together in some weird amalgam and make a script that people will be clamoring to buy from you? It’s not that easy, amigo.
How does it all add up?
I think the biggest problem with your script is that your main character is a sociopath. You would think I would have considered that possibility when I went into this script but I had no idea how much it would matter.
What makes Patrick Bateman from “American Psycho” work is the same kind of thing that makes Hannibal Lector work. They are interesting.
Tony Montana works because he has a motivation and a drive that surpasses the normal thug’s.
You don’t have an interesting character. You just have a sociopath that no one cares about. We see nothing of ourselves in him. If you tried to make this guy just like us you might get to a scary, good place. When you recognize pieces of your own humanity in evil, wicked characters it makes them resonate with an audience in some way.
You don’t know what you’re talking about and it shows. What do these characters you’ve created do for a living? EQI Crop? “the game of finance”? What the hell is that? What do these assholes really do for a living? How are they defrauding the company? Who owns the company? What are the exact contents in the evidence that could prove their guilt?
You spend ample time describing to us what shit looks like. What this character looks like. What his office looks like. What his pen set looks like. No one cares.
Maybe you should focus more on what this character is doing or about what his actions are saying.
Sociopaths aren’t that interesting. They have no motivation. They do things for little or no reason. You need a main character that has a motivation that drives him forward. The closest you come is a few half-hearted thoughts about moving to Italy. Why is that important? We have to care about what happens to your character even if we hate him as a person.
A movie fails when it’s all style and no substance. What are you attempting to tell the world with this story? What is the plot and how does it relate to an audience?
Your actual story, once you cut through all the superfluous horseshit, isn’t terrible. It’s not stunning in its complexity or anything but it’s not below average. It’s not fleshed out enough to cover 90 pages but that doesn’t mean you can’t get it there.
Your grammar is ball-achingly terrible but you’re not a monumentally shitty writer. You just write way too much in some places and not enough in others. You have to focus on telling a good story with great characters. That’s it. Not all of this other crap.
You’ve been getting plenty of shit on the message boards. Some of it is deserved but most of it probably isn’t. I understand that you are going through a difficult time adjusting to life after prison. When you get yourself into a stable position you should pick up a copy of David Trottier’s screenwriting bible, get yourself a screenwriting program (Maybe you have one. You have the right margins but nothing is formatted correctly. I use a free downloadable software called Celtx. Type that into a search engine and you’ll find their homepage), read plenty of produced and amateur scripts and just keep fucking trying, man. Make every attempt to master your craft and you will.
Your first script, right? Second? Maybe?
Write ten more.
Or give up.
Keep fucking pushing.
I hope these comments can assist you in some way.
Cheers and good luck.
The Smiths - This Charming Man
Def Leppard - Bringin’ on the Heartbreak
MC Hammer - Can’t Touch This
Radiohead - Bodysnatchers
Eric Clapton - Layla (Unplugged)
The Smiths - Handsome Devil read
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