Means Streets
Apparently ripped from the pages of MSNBC, “The Means” chronicles one man’s dogged fight against prostitution and police corruption.
It’s a well written, tightly structured screenplay that reads fast and easy and features credible dialogue, a strong antagonist and a couple of smart and surprising plot turns.
The one problem: I’m not exactly sure what the story is about.
It all comes down to Darren’s motivation. Initially it’s his son’s accident that drives him to go after the prostitutes and johns, but soon his desire for justice morphs into empathy for the downtrodden street walkers, Delawnee in particular.
However, later it’s revealed that Darren has a history of taking matters into his own hands when Hendrix learns that Darren is a former law enforcer who may have hunted down and murdered three criminals who, during a routine traffic stop, nearly beat him to death. (You might want to rethink this bit of back-story. Would Darren really be upset over Hendrix beating up a suspect when he himself thrice acted as judge, jury and executioner?)
In other words, it’s just like the character Renee says in the end: “Everybody just made the way he is.” Is that the moral of the story? Or is this script about a vengeful man who, at the moment of truth, finds his lost humanity?
Either way, too much time is spent on Darren hassling hookers and arguing with Elena, etc. Consider streamlining the plot and focusing more intensely on the relationship between do-gooder Darren and the murderous cop, Hendrix. Their burgeoning “friendship” is the most compelling element in the story, but it‘s also underdeveloped.
If you haven’t already seen it, checkout the film “Joe” with Peter Boyle, about two men from very different worlds who, in the end, discover they have a lot more in common then they realized.
Despite the muddled theme, “The Means” is still one of the better screenplays I‘ve read on TS. You’re a talented writer.
Good luck.
Notes:
Good title.
Page 5 - “Super: May.” Shouldn’t the Super appear before the accident?
Page 6 - “…Then Doug shuts off his light…” I thought Doug was an editor (pg. 4).
Page 8 - “On the TV…” Lose this paragraph. Who cares what’s on TV?
Page 23 - “Pointed at the ground…” Lose this line.
Page 47 - It’s odd that Hendrix, a cop, wouldn’t know what MS-13 is.
Page 60 - Hendrix shoots the camera three times? Why didn’t he just smash it?
Page 62 - Darren says: “Come on. I’ll give you a ride…” You mean Hendrix?
Page 66 - You could cutout the Editing Bay scene.
Page 70 - You don’t “cock” a pump-action shotgun, you “rack” it.
Page 72 - I was under the impression that Hendrix already knew, or at least suspected, that Darren was once a cop (pg. 27).
Page 74 - Up to this point the script feels very authentic, very “real” -- that’s one of its strengths -- but three shootings in a single year stretches the bonds of credulity. (Like Hendrix says, “That’s pretty unlikely.”)
Page 79 - Would the judge declare a mistrial or would he simply replace the juror in question?
Page 85 - Hendrix: “Oh you could say something, it would just come out all phony.” Funny.
Page 90 - When did Darren get his hands in front of him? And how come Ricky and Staley didn’t notice?
Page 96 - “…Not a trace of a limp in his stride.” Was Darren’s leg injury all in his mind?
Page 99 - Darren’s story about his brother is good, but it comes out of left field. You should set it up earlier in the story.
Other Reviews by fencik
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Borrowing from films like “The Abyss,“ “Aliens,” and “Avatar,” the futuristic sci-fi fantasy adventure, “Frontier,” is an imaginatively detailed, action-filled space yarn that moves at warp speed. Unfortunately the plot is so propulsive, and the narrative so over-stuffed with unnecessary techno-babble, that the human element -- and the point of it all -- is lost in space...
Borrowing from films like “The Abyss,“ “Aliens,” and “Avatar,” the futuristic sci-fi fantasy adventure, “Frontier,” is an imaginatively detailed, action-filled space yarn that moves at warp speed. Unfortunately the plot is so propulsive, and the narrative so over-stuffed with unnecessary techno-babble, that the human element -- and the point of it all -- is lost in space.
What is this story about? According to the synopsis, “Frontier” is supposed to be about two scientists helping aliens escape from the clutches of an evil corporation. But what about Spacer Captain Lenny? He’s as important to the story as Nitza, but he’s not even mentioned in the synopsis. And what about Nitza’s long lost brother, Danny? It’s his strange reappearance in the first few pages that gets the ball rolling, but he’s not mentioned either.
As written, the script’s synopsis should read more like this: When a young scientist locates her long lost brother on a remote planet, living amongst a benign alien race, she joins forces with the grizzled captain of a renegade space freighter in order to save them from the clutches of an evil intergalactic corporation. This example is far from perfect, but it does highlight the most important elements of the story: Nitza’s relationship with her brother and Lenny.
Remember, movies are ultimately about people, even when they‘re about aliens.
Focus less on the technical details and more on the characters. In the beginning the emphasis should be on Nitza and her dogged determination to find her lost brother. And when she finally does find him, allow them (and the reader) a moment to reconnect before pulling them apart again. Nitza’s relationship with Danny, like Ripley’s relationship with Newt in “Aliens,“ is the emotional anchor of the story. Everything else is secondary.
Streamline the prose as much as possible. Edit out most of the tech stuff. Lines like, “Many launching the Type 340 Anti-Capital class Heavy Torpedoes at the closing Administration warship” (pg. 95), bog the reader down with unnecessary detail. Also, don’t bother naming minor characters, like Dobbs, Vasylig and Gilsham as well as most of the Marines.
What the story’s about determines its structure. First figure out exactly the story you want to tell, then figure out the best way to tell it.
Good luck.
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“Time-Rift” is a cool and imaginative script with a lot of potential. The sequence where the heroes have to retrieve the crystals from the Damocles, fight off aliens and escape before the ship plummets towards a volcanic planet is especially thrilling.
The first ten pages feels jumpy and disconnected, veering wildly from Kathryn’s death on Mars to the cryptic scene at Viking...
“Time-Rift” is a cool and imaginative script with a lot of potential. The sequence where the heroes have to retrieve the crystals from the Damocles, fight off aliens and escape before the ship plummets towards a volcanic planet is especially thrilling.
The first ten pages feels jumpy and disconnected, veering wildly from Kathryn’s death on Mars to the cryptic scene at Viking Station to Michael barely escaping Black Star One before it explodes to the Prometheus entering the wormhole (not to mention all the leaps in time), and as discombobulating as it might be for some readers it could potentially be flat-out confusing to moviegoers.
Michael is clearly the protagonist but he has no character arc, and the reader learns almost nothing about him in 119 pages. He’s obviously a brave and able commander, but beyond that he’s a complete mystery, and it‘s hard to root for or care about someone you don‘t know.
The Troopers under Michael’s command are likewise underdeveloped. You’re obviously a big fan of “Aliens.” Take another look at that film and examine how Cameron quickly and concisely renders characters like Hudson (smart-ass), Hicks (professional), Vasquez (bad-ass) and Lieutenant Gorman (by the book and still wet behind the ears), and note how most of that information is revealed through a few choice lines of dialogue.
You need to explain the whole concept and purpose of traveling through wormholes since it‘s such an integral part of the story. Don’t assume the reader is as familiar with this stuff as you are.
Surprisingly, the most hard to swallow aspect of the script is the big reveal that Kaitlin is really Kathryn and Elanna is really Jenny, and Jenny is Michael and Kathryn‘s daughter. Kathryn/Kaitlin’s motivation for fooling everyone, including Michael, is weak. And what’s the point, other than trying to shock the reader? The fact that Kathryn has assumed her dead sister’s identity never impacts the story in a significant way, even in the end.
Consider eliminating the sister switcheroo and focusing more intently on the relationship between Michael and Kathryn (or Kaitlin) and their daughter. For instance, what if the two estranged heroes embark on a mission, leaving their seven year old daughter behind, only to encounter her in a war torn future when she’s an officer on a starship? That is a very compelling and unique idea.
Like I said, this script has a lot of potential.
Good luck.
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While reading “Media Assassin” the film “Network“ often springs to mind, but then the genre listed is Action, not Comedy, or even Action/Comedy. Therefore I will assume this script is not actually a dark, satirical farce about America’s media driven celebrity obsessed culture, but a straight-up action yarn with a serious “message” to impart, similar to the movie “Blood Diamond”...
While reading “Media Assassin” the film “Network“ often springs to mind, but then the genre listed is Action, not Comedy, or even Action/Comedy. Therefore I will assume this script is not actually a dark, satirical farce about America’s media driven celebrity obsessed culture, but a straight-up action yarn with a serious “message” to impart, similar to the movie “Blood Diamond” for instance.
There’s certainly plenty of action in the script, but most of it doesn’t occur until after page 67 when the Refuge flips the switch on Cliff. That imbalance could be rectified by condensing the first two-thirds of the script and moving the separatist’s double-cross closer to say page 50.
How do you trim pages? Streamline the prose (The second paragraph on page one, “This enclave is the golden fleece…” could easily be cut.), pare back on the Dana Richards character (Eliminate the scene at the Martial Arts Studio. Dana’s fighting prowess can be established when she takes down Kensington’s bodyguard.) and reduce the number of evil celebrities. (I’d lose Cyril Harrier, Gern Blanton and Zugsmith.)
The main characters in the script: Cliff, Max and Dana, are all so virulently anti-celebrity that it gets a little monotonous. Consider adding a dissenting voice to generate conflict, someone to counter Cliff‘s dogma or challenge Max‘s beliefs. Dana is of course the obvious choice. She can still kick ass, but maybe her perspective isn’t as negatively skewed as the guys.
Cliff and Max are two different men driven by the same motivation. Forever linked by a shared moment in time, they need to come together at the story’s climax and share in the catharsis. What’s the point of telling two parallel stories if they never intersect in a meaningful way?
What is the theme? What is this story ultimately about? What is the lesson learned beyond celebrities suck? Both Cliff and Max are obsessed with celebrity and its deleterious affect on American culture, but where Cliff has allowed his fixation to derail his life somewhat, Max successfully channels his own obsession into his work for the FBI. Cliff is willing to kidnap and coerce, but unlike Wayne Masters he draws the line at torture and murder. Cliff and Max are both hard driven by personal demons -- perhaps therein lies the theme.
“Media Assassin” is a very well written script (even if a bit wordy) with a cool and unique concept and several fully realized characters.
It was an enjoyable read.
Good luck.
Notes:
Good title.
Page 1 - How old is Christina Maris? Always include the character’s age.
Page 2 - “…Tiffany lighting, and heirloom paintings.” The adjective “heirloom” may not be the best choice in this particular instance.
Page 6 - “Although thrown clear, the Man’s (severed) leg is still trapped inside.” You should establish the Man’s positioning in the first paragraph to avoid confusion.
Who is Young Max? Is he the Boy? If so, why not intro him as Max to, again, avoid confusion?
“…A POLICE OFFICER puts a sheet over the charred body pulled from the car.” How much time has passed since the explosion? Consider using a new slug line to convey the passage of time.
Page 10 - “’The Refuge’ is a separatist movement…” You don’t need to explain to the reader what it is, Cliff and J.B.’s dialogue will do that. This is a screenplay, not a novel. Only write what you can see and hear on the screen.
Page 33 - Cool flashback sequence.
Page 38 - J.B.: “Is it your mantra (manifesto)?”
Page 74 - Max Frost(?) - “We pacified the marks at Paxcal yet?”
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