Mia’s journey
One of the first scripts I reviewed when I first joined TS was your SP ‘Retro Speck.’ I enjoyed that one very much so I was thrilled to have another of your works assigned. And it doesn’t disappoint: I can see why this is a Blue Star script.
Page 1: “A damp mist rises from the dirty cobbles...” – Great opening image.
Page 9: MIA (V.O.): “Sunday, twenty-second of March, 2009. Mother’s Day." – Good job of expressing Christina’s anguish through imagery in the previous scenes. And showing us it’s Mother’s Day makes the scene all the more powerful – we can really feel her pain.
Page 10: “A stern Sister Francesca... illuminates her stern face.” – Avoid redundant words (stern) in your descriptions – use synonyms.
Page 12: WILL: “Found her today with Vivaldi, no less.” – Tying Clara and Mia together occurs at the perfect moment in the script, however, I would suggest playing this up more so the significance of this bond is fully realized, rather than having Christina immediately interrupt the conversation and dropping the discussion.
Page 14: “Slowly . . . the book closes itself.” – Intriguing image.
Page 19: The bedroom and hospital corridor scenes are confusing. It’s not clear if Mia was contemplating suicide or actually took the pills and we now find her sitting in the hospital after her stomach is pumped or if she was just looking at the pills and it is Christina who is in crisis. Some clarification is needed.
Page 20: HOTEL BEDROOM – We need to know Christina and Mia are no longer in London and are now in Venice, so it should be included in the scene heading. In addition, we need to know their motivation for traveling to Venice (On page eight, Mia mentions wanting to go there but not why). Is Christina as passionate about the family tree as Mia and helping her daughter discover her roots, or is this a vacation getaway to escape the pain of Will’s death, or both?
Page 24: “A fat cat gets under Clara’s feet.” - Interlacing the past and present through images like this and the violins is well done and ties the two concurrent stories together.
Page 35: “Mia pushes away and strides off.” – You begin to touch on the problems between the mother and daughter. Now would be a good time for them to have an exchange that digs a little deeper into their psyches and exposes some of the pain and emotion they have bottled up.
Page 81: RE: Mia and Christina: “They embrace in a warm hug.” – At some point previous to this their problems need to come to a head and be addressed. Once they have cleared the air, a warm hug would be a natural conclusion to the tension between them.
This was a very engaging SP and held my interest from beginning ‘til end. Great job, Jacqueline!
Other Reviews by RJWIII
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Technical: In scene two, it would help to place Professor Oval in a specific spot in the University Building as he leaves the hearing room EX: INT. A UNIVERSITY BUILDING/CORRIDOR - DAY. Capitalize FACULTY MEMBERS (scene three).
The opening would be stronger if you developed it a bit more. From the visuals, I gather Oval has just finished a presentation to the Faculty...
Technical: In scene two, it would help to place Professor Oval in a specific spot in the University Building as he leaves the hearing room EX: INT. A UNIVERSITY BUILDING/CORRIDOR - DAY. Capitalize FACULTY MEMBERS (scene three).
The opening would be stronger if you developed it a bit more. From the visuals, I gather Oval has just finished a presentation to the Faculty Members - tighten it up so we get a bit more info.
Page 1 and 2 opening dialogue: Oval's opening statements are very on the nose. Make it more intriguing so we don't know exactly what is up.
Page 5: ZEKE: "He’s tranquilized, not parapalyzed, you fuck-ups." You start warming up to your characters here - the dialogue reflects this. I would go back and tighten it up the previous boys' dialogue. Drop the discourse
about whether it is a dog or wolf - the boys are stupid, not ignorant.
Page 6: "...revealing a steaming,indistinguishable mass of humanimal curled up on the ground." - I get what your trying to say here, but be more descriptive of what is happening exactly.
Page 7: "Now the size of a large bear, this beast possesses the head of a wolf, its body something in between many animals." - He is referred to as a humanimal, but the description gives us anything but human characteristics inter-meshed in the final transformation.
Page 9: RACCOON: "Dude, you’re so fucked." - I would leave this out. The SP is over-the-top, but this is cartoonish and changes the tone.
Page 10-14: You introduce Stacie and bring in a few elements (The dream, her unkempt appearance, the relationship between her, Jennifer and Jason) but I never get a true sense of what is happening with her. It would be stronger if you defined her primary conflict so the viewer has something concrete to wrap their hands around.
Page 15: "In the rear-view mirror he looks at Gray at the road’s edge." - You need to stick with one name when referring to a character: Either Gray or Gray Wolf.
Page 17: GRAY WOLF: "The apple pie looks delicious." - Nice, tight scene. Repeating the simple dialogue let's us know right away that Gray Wolf is adapting to his environment.
Page 27: ANNE (RE: Oval): "More like out of his fucking mind." - Moving into Act II, we need to have Oval's motivation for creating the humanimal brought to the forefront. Being out of his mind is not strong enough.
PROM SCENE: When reading this, I thought this was a fantasy/dream-sequence based on the dialogue and the imagery. The dialogue needs to be revised so it is not so on the nose: EX: "You will always be my best friend, forever!"
Page 34: PHILLIP: "...abnormal mutations, unprecendented levels of aggression." - The light should go off in Leslie's head that Phillip has just described the mysterious carnage in the corn field. And yet, she dismisses it and moves straight-away into an S&M game with Phillip.
Page 42: BECKY: "What are you talking about, are you a psychic or not?" - This needs to be revealed early on so the viewer has a firm grasp of Stacie's internal conflict and the alienation she is feeling.
Page 62: ANNE (to Milton): "Is this the reason you wanted to keep all this quiet? Because of him?" - I suggest removing any reference to Anne and Milton's relationship, or making it his motivation for trying (unsuccessfully)to keep the killings quiet. If you feel this relationship is important to the story (B story) I would develop it early on so we understand a bit more about Milton and what makes him tick.
PAge 64: Anne slaps McMurtry. Not sure if all the slapping going on is supposed to be a running gag or not. If it is - it works.
Page 67: MILTON: "It’s what I didn’t do. I made a promise to her. And I couldn’t keep it." - Milton is referring to a promise he made to Stacie to kill the bloodbath killer. You are introducing many elements in the middle of Act II that should either be left out (to streamline your story) or be introduced early on so we have a clear understanding of what motivates all of your characters. Late reveals work and are paramount to a great screenplay, but we need some indicators/foreshadowing in Act I so we are satisfied with what you deliver later on.
Page 91: Milton reaches behind Anne’s ear, pulling out a .357 Magnum bullet. - Nice foreshadowing with the earlier quarter trick.
Page 95: STACIE: "I want to go back. I want you to change me back." - Nice twist.
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Hi Christopher. I took you up on the invitation to read your script - one word: Impressive. I’m a fan of the Hero’s Journey/Monomyth story structure, and you did a great job of hitting all the beats and put a new spin on the post-apocalyptic movie genre. The SP is filled with vibrant characters and the story itself is compelling enough to draw the reader in and keep him/her...
Hi Christopher. I took you up on the invitation to read your script - one word: Impressive. I’m a fan of the Hero’s Journey/Monomyth story structure, and you did a great job of hitting all the beats and put a new spin on the post-apocalyptic movie genre. The SP is filled with vibrant characters and the story itself is compelling enough to draw the reader in and keep him/her turning pages.
Regarding formatting, one thing you will want to fix is your top page margin – it’s squeezed and needs to be changed to one inch.
Page 1: “ISABELLA MANNER, 40, Hispanic, pretty and...” – It’s not necessary to point out she’s pretty; it’s a given that every character is attractive unless otherwise stated.
Page 1: “She stops chopping and turns her head to the side, listening to the bell chime.” – Using progressive present tense is fine (chopping) to signify continuous action, however only use it if present tense won’t work “…listens to the bell chime (listening).
Page 1: “INT. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS” – Instead of creating a separate scene heading, simply use a LIVING ROOM slug.
Page 1: “Joshua nonchalantly meanders over to the door...” – Use your adverbs sparingly (nonchalantly).
Page 2: “The man known as NIC NAC stands with his head down...” – You can drop “The man known as...”; Conciseness is the key in a spec script.
Page 2: “ISABELLA (to Joshua)” – Keep your wrylies under the character slug.
Page 4: Your opening scene is very dynamic, graphic – catches the reader’s interest right away – what the hell is going on? We want to find out.
Page 5: “CHARLIE: 3,051 steps already today.” – Good use of imagery via the pedometer to show us Charlie’s character.
Page 8: “LISA: I should just tell him. He has no idea. What a bitch.” – and “LISA (CONT'D) I can't take this anymore. I've got to say something to him.” – First, this dialogue is right on the nose and second, never have a character talk to themselves. Express her dismay over Gabe’s infatuation with Allie visually.
Page 8: “INT. OFFICE BUILDING-CUBICLE AREA – LATER” – Only use later if there is a break in a character’s action when they move from one scene to the next. Gabe is last seen two scenes previous to this, so of course it’s later.
Page 8: (RE: Lisa) “She now goes by the name of IVY.” – If viewed on the big screen, we wouldn’t know she has a new name. This scene would have more impact if you dropped the reference to Ivy – make us wonder about her schizophrenic makeover – and then revealed it later (Page 9: “IVY: Call me Ivy” – pretty clear here she’s switched identities).
Page 9: “IVY (in a threatening tone)” – Only use wrylies when you need to clarify the tone: In this case, when she says “Fuck...off” it’s pretty clear.
Page 9: “IVY: Listen, you should dump the tramp. She's screwing the boss.” – Avoid this kind of on the nose dialogue. Ivy would be much more effective acting the part of the vamp, totally disregarding her competition – plant the seed and let Gabe make up his mind who he wants.
Page 9: “INT. GABE'S BEDROOM – MORNING” – Stick to DAY or NIGHT unless absolutely imperative we know specifically what time of day it is. He slaps the snooze button in the description, so it is obvious it's morning.
Page 12: “GABE (CONT'D): What the fuck is wrong with you?” – At this point your audience is asking themselves the same question. You need an inciting incident at this point, something to clarify what exactly is going on with these characters’ identity switches and the relevance of the mirrors/alternate universes.
Page 18: Your character/scene descriptions of this alternate reality that Gabe has been plunged into are excellent. Compels the reader to keep going.
Page 22: Sergio’s explanation of the mirror world: “Your image took over and pulled you through the mirror into his world, this one.” - We run into a logic issue here, as this identity switching is apparently a widespread phenomenon, part of the human experience. You can fix this by demonstrating why Gabe is special, why he is able to cross over to the other side, rather than any Tom, Dick and Harry that blows a fuse.
Page 28: “GABE: Are they poisonous?” – Drop Sergio’s following exposition: Have him simply give Gabe a look that says it all.
Page 30: “GABE: I want to go back. I need to go back.” – Gabe states his goal, which is good. However, at this juncture we need a turning point setting the story in a new direction. Much of the previous fight sequence can be condensed and this pushed up a few pages (around page twenty-five).
Page 36: “Gabe glances towards the door to the tent and sees Lisa...” – Nice twist.
Page 44: This would be a much easier read if you condensed much of the action descriptions – this page is a good example – avoid big blocks of text.
Page 60: “CONDUCTOR: Them other Shivets.” – Good line.
Page 84: Ivy and Lisa pass through the mirror once more – Good turning point.
An excellent read, and with some further tweaking this would make a great movie.
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This was an entertaining read: You have a great imagination. Your descriptions are particularly well done and the action scenes are very vivid. Some further tightening of the structure and dialogue would make this a stronger horror script.
Page 1: It’s best to use adverbs sparingly and only if there is no other suitable word to use in the description. “The monstrously...
This was an entertaining read: You have a great imagination. Your descriptions are particularly well done and the action scenes are very vivid. Some further tightening of the structure and dialogue would make this a stronger horror script.
Page 1: It’s best to use adverbs sparingly and only if there is no other suitable word to use in the description. “The monstrously sized dark figure...” could be changed to ‘The monstrous dark figure...” and ‘...jabs his finger at the Gate Keeper...’ is better than “...points irately at the Gate Keeper...”
Page 3: VICTOR: “I have something different planned for this year. There will be no more bums or hitchhikers...” - All of the dialogue in this scene is right on the nose. It would be much more effective if he didn’t state his intentions up front (feeding humans to his children) and then later in the script we get the big reveal when his diabolical plan comes to light.
Page 5: Flyer INSERT: That’s an awful lot of text to read when viewing a movie. Best to chop that down to a couple of lines for an quick read.
Page 7: “James opens his locker...a yellow flyer falls out and lands near his feet.” – Seems a might odd that Victor would be sneaking around the men’s locker room stuffing flyers into people’s lockers. It’s more plausible he tacked a few up in the quad and stuck them on windshields, as he did with Peter’s car.
Page 10: “RYAN PHILLIPS, 23 professionally neat, and his room mate, KEN ROGERS, 24 career motivated...” – You should only use character descriptions that can be viewed; these are personality traits. Show not tell.
Page 13: It’s Taekwondo, not Takwondo.
Page 24: There are several structural problems with your first act that need to be addressed. There are slow build horror movies made, but this script falls into the subgenre of slasher, so you need a thrilling hook at the beginning to pull the reader in. At page twenty all ten of the major characters have received their flyers: We should be introduced to all of these people by page ten and shortly thereafter (pages 10-12) an inciting incident needs to occur. Pages 20-24: These four scenes at the Old Flour Mill (really it’s one scene, as each of the four scene headings are the same location) are not needed: Skip this and take us directly to the haunted house.
Page 31: KEN: “The blonde’s name is Joy, but I already have dibs on her. I’m not sure what her friend’s name is.” – There are a lot of individual conversations transpiring between each pair of characters. They should all be thrown together early in the script and a group dynamic needs to develop so we see how the characters interact with one another.
Page 55: “James steps away from Miriam and looks toward the ceiling.” – This is Ron, not James. “JAMES: What was that?” – Also Ron.
This piece moved fast and kept my interest all the way through to the end. Give it a rewrite, work the kinks out, and it will be much better.
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