Motorway Romance
Romance isn’t my thing. I’m sure other reviewers on this site have already pointed out the formatting errors and large page count, so i won’t bore you with all my observations. But the big blocks of text have to be shortened.
The central characters come together so willingly, they come across as desperate.
Doreen sat in her booth all night and eat a full box of chocolates? She sounds like a glutton. And the dialogue when they are having coffee and watching the sunset, is so corny. made me cringe. But like i said, i'm not a fan of romance.
Your story holds together. It’s not my kind of movie, but i guess people who like this sort of thing will like it. All the best.
P7) Doreen - Save the firts punch for the disco - nice line.
Other Reviews by BlackGlass
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Two senators running head to head for the big seat. A loner fixer with a troubled past, and a loathing for politicians, get’s called back into the fray to sort it out.
I liked this in many ways. The hotel scene when the fix is going down was exciting. Going from one room to the next, to the cam view, to the van, and Mock’s black-out... nice action writing.
I found your...
Two senators running head to head for the big seat. A loner fixer with a troubled past, and a loathing for politicians, get’s called back into the fray to sort it out.
I liked this in many ways. The hotel scene when the fix is going down was exciting. Going from one room to the next, to the cam view, to the van, and Mock’s black-out... nice action writing.
I found your characters all solid for this kind of piece. The fixer’s troubled personality comes over well. And the two tech geeks provide little comedy moments, here and there, through dialogue. Also the smugness of the political mind-set was delivered well through Credd’s personality.
The story has all the adequate plot twists and a satisfactory conclusion - all the bad guys get undone in the end, and the Fixer even get’s to watch the real bad guy die from the comfort of her living room. Oh, and she get’s a new buddy (of sorts) for good measure.
Well done on finishing your screenplay. Thanks for the upload. All the best.
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I am a fan of war movies. Second World War is always a good backdrop for great action and personal loss. I like the idea of the story you are telling. Going from Rodger’s boyhood right through into the war.
My only problem is that it takes so long to get there. You have many unnecessary scenes, like the hunting scene, or the long hospital scene, even the opening with Loesser...
I am a fan of war movies. Second World War is always a good backdrop for great action and personal loss. I like the idea of the story you are telling. Going from Rodger’s boyhood right through into the war.
My only problem is that it takes so long to get there. You have many unnecessary scenes, like the hunting scene, or the long hospital scene, even the opening with Loesser could be shorted, or cut completely. And Roger’s VO (letter to his parents) is also too long. Maybe even superfluous.
Try substituting your long blocks of text for simple images that relate what you are trying to get across. Try limiting your descriptions to one, two, three lines. Four tends to be the limit. You writing is clear and sharp, and I like the screenplay, but it needs to be tightened and shortened to about 100 pages. Let me know if you do a redraft, and I'll read it again.
Various Pages: Blank spaces in dialogue.
You jump from a scene heading into dialogue.
Jump from dialogue into scene heading.
There are various formatting mistakes. But I’m sure you have already been made aware of them.
I like the story, and the writing, just need to slim it down, get to the point quicker. Writing is rewriting. All the best.
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This isn’t my kind of movie, but it is well written and flows along nicely. I have no interest in the porn world, but with that said, there are solid characters, great dialogue, funny moments and names.
The formatting, structure and grammar were spot on.
I made some notes as i read:
Various Pages) You jump from dialogue to a scene heading.
P26) Walter and Isla’s conversation...
This isn’t my kind of movie, but it is well written and flows along nicely. I have no interest in the porn world, but with that said, there are solid characters, great dialogue, funny moments and names.
The formatting, structure and grammar were spot on.
I made some notes as i read:
Various Pages) You jump from dialogue to a scene heading.
P26) Walter and Isla’s conversation - very good.
Various Pages) Use hyphens instead of ellipsis to illustrate dialogue being cut off abruptly.
Various Pages) Use ellipsis here:
Jack catches up to him, and whispers...
Walter leans over and whispers...
As they head for the door...
He leans in close and whispers...
Jack kisses her hand, then whispers...
The porn stars disrobe right where they stand, while...
IN THE BALCONY
... Hardwicke peers over the railing.
Hardwicke grabs Jack and Walter, and in a loud whisper...
P35) General Bretton Wood’s ottoman remark - classic.
P53) A little typo. You end Jack’s dialogue with a comma instead of a period.
P84) If Hardwicke is such a huge fan of Jessica’s, wouldn’t he already have the box-set? Maybe substitute the VIDEO STORE for HARDWICKE’S LIVING QUARTERS, with him riffling through his porn collection. It’s just a thought.
That’s all. Nicely written and funny screenplay. All the best.
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