I reviewed an earlier version of this script a couple months ago, so I am glad I have the opportunity to read this latest one and see what changes you have made. First off, I’ll say that this version is much improved: A tighter story, better structure and more focused.
The biggest improvements by far were narrowing down Gerry’s goals (learning about dogs and winning over Maggie) and strengthen the Pete, Maggie & Gerry dynamic. By making Pete a more sympathetic character (rather than a scoundrel taking credit for the donations) through his taking responsibility for her injuries, it creates greater conflict. It also ties in her past injuries to the storyline, rather than leaving it ambiguous, as it was in the previous version of this script.
Page 1: “He is British, tall, lanky, shy and humble.” - Need to show us how he is shy and humble.
Page 10: “The house is surrounded by fields, several small out buildings and a large metal building sit behind the house. A large shade tree separates the house and other buildings.” - You use the word building three times. Use synonyms to make it more interesting: EX - change ‘buildings’ to structure.
Page 10 and 13: The addition of Swoop and Peester’s descriptions is great – helps visualize exactly what these dogs look like.
Page 10: Maggie’s description is overly long. Best to stick with her most important features: no need to describe specific clothing.
Page 11: Defines exactly why he is there: To learn about dogs. – Good.
Page 14: I suggest dropping the tennis courts and spa. Makes it sound more like a resort than dog training school.
Page 21: “He's afraid of the dogs. He even had a bottle of tranquilizers.” – The fact that she took his pills is great. You could use this to introduce more conflict later on: EX – he is desperate for his pills, but learns to cope without them and realizes they are a crutch.
Page 22: the exchange between Maggie and Lucy is funny.
Page 24: This scene is much stronger now that you have dropped Gerry’s buddies from it. Feeding the chocolate does the trick to raise the tension and keeps him in character.
Page 25: MAX: “ Can you give me a couple of days.” – and - MAX: “Can't I send you anywhere.” – Question marks are needed.
Page 27: The storm is a great turning point. Her injuries shoot the story in a new direction. It gives Gerry a chance to redeem himself and puts her in his debt.
Page 41: The front porch scene where they discuss the training and maintenance cost should be moved up. You could tighten up/shorten some of the back-to-back scenes between pages 32 and 41 where Gerry trains and cares for the dogs.
Page 57: “...kiss her scared cheek.” – Scarred.
Page 76: Paparazzo – good use of the paparazzo in this version. He continues to show up and make a nuisance of himself. Adds to the tension and stress Maggie is already feeling over the relationship. Ditto with the reporters on page 78.
Page 94: GERRY: “...it's, it's like acting on a green screen. She fills in the depth, the details.” - Good line.
Great script, Kele. A very enjoyable read.
Review of: Wake Up, Maggie (SCSS)
reviewed by RJWIII on 12/07/2009
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