This seems to be an excerpt from a novel. If it’s not, it should be, because the story was interesting and left me wanting more. The action is well-described and graphic. The emotions of both the victims and the killers are depicted so that we get a unique glimpse into the psyches of both. The story has also done well in vividly creating an imaginary world, not completely unlike our own, where power is a corrupting element, where the wicked can always find an excuse for their evil behavior, and where the power structure looks the other way when injustice in its field of view. There’s one difference from today’s world: in the created world, justice comes from the people and it is swift and unrelenting.
My only problem with the story had to do with the technical aspects of the writing. Unclear sentences sometimes obscured meaning and it was often hard to determine which character was being referred to. See notes below.
P.1: I noticed that some of the sentences are a little awkward. For example, see: “As they taught him at the guild he broke the details down.” At a minimum, you need a comma after the word “guild.” But, even with that change, the sentence could be misinterpreted as, “He broke the details down while they taught him…” It might be better worded something like this: “As he had been taught to do at the guild, he carefully broke the details down.”
P. 3: “Apparently the merchant who owned the mansion liked to see their eyes. He looked a few years older than twelve.” This clearly says that the merchant looked older than twelve, but is actually referring to Kian.
P. 6: “Shinny” should be “shiny.”
P.6: I found the imprecise use of pronouns to be the biggest reason I had to read slowly and carefully to understand what was written. For example, in the sentence, “His contact had found out about the mines a year ago but this was the first shipment he had managed to collect,” there is no way to tell whether it was Globus or his contact who had managed to do the collecting.
Overall, good work!
Review of: Night Justice - 2nd draft
reviewed by LBarbarell on 04/05/2010
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