My kinda story
Constant Variable.
First things first. You are a supremely talented writer light years ahead of most of the chasing pack and I have no doubt you’ll be making a living off your talents sooner rather than later (if you aren’t already). I loved many things about the script but in the interests of always looking to help make things tighter I’ll focus on the issues and tweaks and suggest improvements. I might throw in suggestions for a scene here or there so please don’t be offended. Remember I really like this script
GENERAL OBSERVATIONS
Many original ideas, a quirky style strong characters solid structure. Funny, and generally near market ready formatting. Good lean style. Good blend of genres.
CONCEPT
I’m a big time travel fan (yet to manage a draft script of my own in the genre however ). Despite having seen more than most people when it comes to time travel movies, you managed to come at it from an angle I’d not seen before. The intellectual dimension to time travel for me recalled a Beautiful Mind more than anything else. Using EMOTIONS as the DEVICE which activates time travel is a master stroke. A stunning idea that links well to your other themes and as far as I can tell is fairly original (time traveller’s wife not withstanding).
STORY
You do a good job of keeping complex events clear and understandable. My problem however is with motivations. I think the script is stuck between a few different places, I think you need to commit to the dark obsessive lost child stuff or go with the light fluffy hijinks of time travel, they sit a little uneasily together at the mo.
CHARACTER
Brilliant characters that I can visualise as I read. Lots of revelations coming by way of action and conflict and minimal instances of telling. All good. Motivations are a little muddled however. For me the unseen death of the daughter is actually the inciting incident in that it’s motivated Jacob’s obsession with time travel equations, this need to be brought into sharper focus (it’s back grounded at present).
STRUCTURE
Solid. And in this genre that’s a MASSIVE achievement in itself! Cause you are dealing with paradoxes and issues that can get well out of hand well fast. You keep a lid on the right things, your story hits the right beats and is well put together. Any suggestions I have detailed below fit directly into your existing structure so I guess that means it working as far as I can tell (but what do I know right? hehe).
DIALOGUE
Love alot of it. The tone is light, but some of the events and subjects aren’t as much that’s still cool. A few passages have too much expo but nothing majorly at fault.
OVERALL
I do have a few issues and suggestion. Mainly I feel there are a few missed links that I feel could make things a whole lot stronger. Bear in mind as you read this that everything as it stands WORKS and works well. I’m playing devil’s advocate cause I think there is EVEN more in the concept. Now, Jacob is motivated ultimately we learn on page 30, not by a desire to escape suburbia (though that’s part of it). He’s motivated by the prospect of stopping or changing some unseen event that’s claimed his daughter. I would like to see you connect this more directly to the sexual themes (which you played well mostly for laughs) down the line. I’d use the first romantic fumble between the couple to illustrate a dark side to the couple’s loss of passion (namely that Jacob is worried about having and then losing another child). Maybe he doesn’t want her sexually at all, maybe he wants a condom, maybe fear in his eyes hints that he’s scared of sex with her. I think you can play up the disconnection and foreshadow the tragic reason behind it better. So Jacob’s ‘problem’ is that his daughter died, and this has made him obsessed with time travel, and ‘afraid’ of sex with his wife, you can connect these two directly imo.
That way the sexual theme becomes about more than a couples disconnection and it ties into what is the central motivation of the protagonist in a more direct way. Also a trigger for Jacob’s madness could be the realisation that he can’t get back into the past at all and so can’t save the first daughter (this could be told to him during the convo that causes him to crack- when he meets his sexually re invigorated future self and turns gun nut.) Basically the ‘future Jacob’ gets over the first daughter by realising that it’s better to look forward than backwards and as such decides to do his damnest to get his wife knocked up again. The ‘mad Jacob’ clings to the past and wants to kill the other Jacob for ‘getting over it’?
In other words I think the dead/absent daughter needs to be more central as a motivation. It’s the reason he’s focused on the equation to begin with, the fact that the equation won’t bring her back and his future self is just happy to get laid should be the revelation that pushes Mad Jacob to get gun happy. His future self having reasoned ‘I can’t bring the child I lost back but that no reason not to try for another dammit, the future isn’t written yet, even if the tragic past is’. So Jacob learning that ‘you can’t change the past’ is a key revelation. It makes him focus on the future and it make the mad Jacob twisted and over the edge. For my money this plot point needs to arrive at end of act 2 break which sets up the finale, wherein future Jacob learns that his other self has gone gun loko?
Sorry if all my suggestions are hard to follow it kinda complicated to explain all this. So again big probs for the writing.
Minor plot point, (which I totally forgave you for by the way) was why would a couple of young free loving types Like Olive and Darren, keep a gun hidden in a book? I thought only spies and assassins cut spaces out of books for guns? Still it’s a neat visual and you’d earned my suspension by that point anyhow. You could fix it by making it Jacob and Olive’s father’s gun or something? Maybe it’s wall mounted but functional? Just a thought.
I’ve included my page by page observations below. Sorry if they cover some of the same ground.
Brilliant first 10. You’ve introduced complex physics questions and characters, you do a great job of showing the values of the character through action. So far so good. Only thing I would add would be a photo of the daughter somewhere. Just so we wait for her entrance/ wonder where she is/ why she’s not mentioned FORESHADOWING what we’ll find out soon enough.
P10 love this entire order convo. Reminds me of every girl I’ve ever dated. So far so good blend of humour and drama spot on.
P13 slightly unnecessary exposition from Sarah here at the top of the page about her job. I’d rewrite/work this scene to foreshadow a sex life that is totally completely cold due to tragedy, not just frosty in a funny relatable way like it feels at the mo. I’d hint at a connection between Jacob’s lack of sex life and his fear of another child that might then be lost. I think this page is where you need to switch a few hooks around to give what follows added impact.
P18 Maybe the hardcore sex stuff is a bit much? I don’t know it crosses a line that you don’t cross anywhere else so feel a little outta wack?
By p25 I’m starting not to like Sarah. If this is your intention it’s being done in nice subtle way. I think the trouble again is that Sarah and Jacob are disconnect sure, but that it feels like this is due to the type of person she is. When in reality they are very in love and issues stem from a shared trauma that they aren’t yet over as a couple – You hint at this with the dog, but you could go further for my money. Make it crystal clear that Sarah puts the Sweetie before Jacob and treats Sweetie EXACTLY like a child- Jacob wants to kill Sweetie cause ‘she isn’t his child dammit!’ this is comedy gold. I’d advise looking at As good as it gets for ideas on how to play this up.
P30. I like this bombshell of the absent daughter. Like I said before foreshadowing her existence will IMO give the revelation of her death added impact, as we’ll be waiting for her to appear. At the moment it feel like Jacob is simply boarded by suburban normality and as such obsessed with time travel? For me it wasn’t working as motivation till this daughter reveal. I’d suggest two other places to foreshadow the absent girl. And I’d suggest using both (just my 2 cents). Foreshadow the absent daughter in three places – 1) when Jacob meets Tayah and they talk napkins Jacob could say ‘Sarah got obsessed with germs when we brought the little girl home etc’. 2) When they don’t have sex, Jacob puts his hand on her stomach and she says ‘if we have another we’ll have another’ We’ll wonder but we won’t know. 3) Sweetie – play Jacob’s hate and Sarah’s displacement for laughs but ramp up the ‘sweetie is my baby’ angle.
P30 brilliant action lines! I can see the camera shot involving the lying on the floor crystal clear and it rocks! And I’d suggest recalling it again later when he’s shooting himself etc.
P41 I’d suggest ‘Jacob limps’ down the side walk. Rather than ‘walks limping’ consider that nitpicked.
P44 The MOON script does a great job of managing doubles in screen play format. Worth a look for this bit but you do just fine as is.
P50 I’m having trouble accepting time travel without a device of some kind to account for it from a narrative stand point. Having said that this most likely a result of you being ahead of my imagination with your superb concept (so maybe it’s a point best ignored).
P59 It’s getting hilarious now. A real groundhog day vibe to Jacob being surrounded by people getting it on. Having said that it sits a little uneasy against the back drop of a dead child maybe as they aren’t presently connected? I think making him someone who CAN’T have sex anymore, rather than someone just kinda ‘off it’ would give all his motivations stronger drive and focus?
P70 I hear from the powers that be that underlines in the dialogue is a big no no apparently. Okay in action but in lines it’s you telling the actors how to perform apparently so those clever dudes say.
P86 I love the way you have narrativised the concept of psychics having a snap back self writing mechanism. Never seen that done as you have. Really great core idea here!
Loved the end, recalled the Timetraveller’s wife with more humour and no schmaltz. Good good good.
All in all it’s strong and with minor tweaks I think you could end up with a sale here. Limited locations will keep cost down, it’s very do-able. Look forward to reading more of your stuff. Hope this helps.
NOTE: This review does not factor into the site rankings.
Other Reviews by MSeyf
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Action and Drama/Romance often make strange bedfellows. I must confess I feared one of those god awful Mr & Mrs Smith/Knight & Day Bountry Hunter type affairs here. I'm delighted to say those fears were misfounded.
There is lots to love about this script. The action scenes in particular are tight neat and filled with mouth watering tension and authenticity.
The structure...
Action and Drama/Romance often make strange bedfellows. I must confess I feared one of those god awful Mr & Mrs Smith/Knight & Day Bountry Hunter type affairs here. I'm delighted to say those fears were misfounded.
There is lots to love about this script. The action scenes in particular are tight neat and filled with mouth watering tension and authenticity.
The structure with the drama type flashbacks interspersed with the ever mounting tension of the present day siege unfolding works really really well.
It allows you to have a break neck action movie that doesn’t need to stop to flesh out it’s characters, and as the tension and drama of the siege unfold we are given more and more character detail and therefore given more and more reasons to care about Shep and to want to know how and if he'll make it through his last day on the job.
One critism I’ll level is the department of character description. You throw alot of characters at us and at times there isn’t enough in the way of distinct voices to help us pick them apart. A few more sentences just to set up the different characters as easily identified archtypes I think would help. Think of how everyone in the Shield’s cast is really easily distingusable with just a handful of visual and dialogue quirks. I think adding a bit more colour/quirks to the supporting characters would help here too.
Parts of the present day scenes really reminded me of all the pre bus stuff in the first Speed. Really dramatic and tense in all the right ways. The flashback structure is risky in this type of movie and I think at present it works really good but there is a disconnect that stops it being quite as great as it could be.
Now I’ve got a somewhat controversial issue and also a controversial suggested solution to it. Part of my problem for me was the disconnect between the flashbacks and the unfolding siege. I kept waiting for them to link up and while they 'kinda' do, those links come very late in the day. It does build up nicely to the emotional punch of the ending and the 'guy’s who don’t come home from their shift theme' of the movie but for long stretches I was struggling to really get into the present day stuff and to link it all together. And I think the absence of Amy was the problem. Now had Amy somehow been in building in which the siege unfolded, somehow one of the hostages? Maybe Resneck has taken hostages that are in a press core in the bid to gain publicity for his cause/grudge? I dunno. But I think involving Amy in the siege somehow would help to unite the drama and action aspects better? So as we learn about the estranged relationship between Shep and Amy we'd get to see and become increasingly invested in Shep’s increasingly desperate attempts to save HER from the threat. And the couple would get an emotional good bye in the finale. That way in the end his sacrifice has that much more of an emotional punch? Sort of like the first Die Hard if John had died to save his wife type deal. Of course you lose some really neat stuff and specially the neat ‘sorry I didn’t return from my shift’ ending that you have. But I just feel like at present there isn’t a clear enough link between the romantic story and the action siege for long stretches and I think putting Amy into the middle of the siege somehow would be an idea for addressing the disconnect?
Don’t get me wrong I had a blast reading the screenplay and both strands of it work really well independently of one another. Another minor gripe was Shep’s lack of development, which isn’t such a problem in an action movie but sits a little more uneasy in a drama/romance context. He’s kinda stoic and saintly throughout and I didn’t get enough of sense of an inner struggle about him. I wanted him more torn between duty to the force and duty to Amy kinda thing.
I dunno so much of it works so well it’s really hard to put my finger on the disconnect. I think it’s got something to do with Amy’s absence in the siege stuff. Also, Resneck could maybe mirror Shep more? We learn too little too late about why Resneck is doing what he’s doing and I felt it kinda weakened the present day siege segment of the story. Since for alot of the time it's just another (albeit) tougher final day job for Shep.
It’s kinda like all the drama and emotion is in the flashbacks and all the action is in the present day story and somehow addressing this disparity I think will make the difference between making a very good SP into a potentially great one.
Sorry it’s all a bit vague. But anyway best of luck with it and thanks for writing such a barnstorming screenplay.
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First off this movie has a very self consciously ‘indie’ type vibe, and while this isn’t my thing personally it certainly has the style and tone likely to appeal to it’s target demo so that’s good. It’s a script about moods and moments in time rather than the thrust of an overt goal-driven narrative and that’s no bad thing in itself, albeit again not quite my cup of tea.
One...
First off this movie has a very self consciously ‘indie’ type vibe, and while this isn’t my thing personally it certainly has the style and tone likely to appeal to it’s target demo so that’s good. It’s a script about moods and moments in time rather than the thrust of an overt goal-driven narrative and that’s no bad thing in itself, albeit again not quite my cup of tea.
One problem that I think isn’t an issue of personal preference is the general lack of conflict. Which is strange because given the UK/USA dynamic and the age gap. I feel there were plenty of missed opportunities to have conflict fuelling the drama/romance.
Peter starts the story just sort of mildly out of sorts rather than at his lowest possible ebb. He came across as pathetic and unsympathetic and as a guy I couldn’t really relate to his self pitying nature. I found myself wondering what Poppy (who seemed far too cool by comparison) even saw the bumbling old mess. I didn’t really get a sense that he deserved to become the subject of Poppy’s affections quiet as suddenly and as easily as he did. And what’s more he didn’t really address his general lameness once he was with her. Their relationship seemed to flourish despite his faults and flaws.
There wasn’t really a sense of conflict or tension, either present or pending. It was all a bit too breezy - till the ex wife showed up. I don’t think the time skips help this. As they come rather abruptly and take us out of the intimacy it takes to make this kind of story flow and work. The couple kinda flourish in a bubble, and i think that something of a missed opportunity for comedy and drama. Taking each member of the couple out of their element, for example; Poppy takes Peter to rock gig or a burlesque strip show? While Peter takes Poppy to a book club full of boring married folks that makes her stomach turn or he takes her to a British pub to watch soccer games which she struggles to follow or understand? There were loads of potential bumps on the road like this that could have help layer the contrasts between the two of them and fleshed them both out as contrasting conflicting personalities.
Those are just some general ideas of what I mean by conflict and tension. Not necessarily have the two of them flying into arguments and wrestling on the floor as it’s far too subtle a type of story to require that kinda stuff. But rather subtle hints and clues of troubles to come, or cracks in the blissfully surface of their relationship. There are obvious places to start, generational and cultural conflicts.
As it stands the return of the wife is a massive curveball. It’s abrupt. And it makes the already unsympathetic Peter even more obnoxious, (atleast in my eyes). Having scored Poppy’s heart without really deserving to he proceeds to drive a knife through it because he doesn’t have the balls to stand up to his domineering wife? He’s a hard guy to root for. But then again her love for him kinda undermines her, she’s too smart and too cool to be into this guy i kept telling myself.
And I didn’t get the sense that I was supposed to feel this way about him. Perhaps a key might be to really amp up his alcoholism and initial despair (Leaving Las Vegas –style). So that he’s a guy about to go off the edge of a cliff rather than what he is presently, which is kinda a self pitying loser/man child that scores a hottie he doesn’t deserve then breaks her heart for no good reason. I’d suggest a more meaty and compelling hook that draws her to him. More than that he’s just kinda 'broken' and needs nursemaid to fit him.
At the end of it Peter was just too pathetic and too needy. I wanted to slap the guy. All he seems to do to Poppy is feed her insecurity. He constantly tells her she’s talented and that seems to be enough for her to forgive him his countless and significant flaws and to pine after him once he’s gone? In the end she’s a success as an artist REGARDLESS of her involvement with Peter. I needed more of a connection between her ‘heartbreak’ and her ‘art’/success. If being with Peter inspired and fuelled her work somehow? In the end she doesn’t need Peter in order to succeed, he starts the story with the same ‘talent’ she ends it with. All Peter does is tell her he’s talented over and over.
I think you kinda need to go back through break down exactly what each character’s INNER NEED is and then work out how the relationship between them, both holds them back from and/or pushes them towards those different inner needs that define them. Easier said than done of course.
Also there are too many songs in it! I’m not gonna to do what alot of reviews will do and just bash you for using songs in your screenplay that need to be rights cleared. But in this case you literally have almost every other scene punctuated by some track or another. This problem is compounded by the fact that in several instance you are relying on the actual specific song lyrics to do the dramatic heavy lifting, to literally communicate the meaning or inner emotional turmoil of a given character. That’s problematic for a number of reasons, not least because any producer might struggle to secure a specific song and if a substitute song would undermine or change the meaning or impact of a scene totally, then you got a problem there.
Ultimately my main issue was that the characters ended up unsympathetic. Like I said Peter has few redeeming qualities, and Poppy loses credibility for falling for him like she does. Then Peter’s wife is an out and out bitch who Peter just doesn’t have the balls to stand up to. Peter’s second act ‘search for Poppy’ doesn’t quiet work, mostly it’s because he’s decided he wants to be with her already. There is no love rival, no alternative guy or anything, he’s arced too soon decided he loves her and wants her and just needs to go find her. It’s a treasure hunt where it should be an emotional pay off, laced with uncertainty and will she won't she. We know she loves him, we know he loves her, it's a tension/drama killer in the final furlong.
I wish I had more to offer. Ultimately is a really hard type of story to pull off. Props for getting the job done and good luck on the re- writes.
Breakdown:
First 10- Good tone. Sense that this script kinda knows what it is. Some of the action passages could do with being trimmed down.
P15 UK addresses don’t tend to have such large numbers. If it’s a sub section of a larger building it’ll more likely be something like Flat 4, Pinegree Lane. London. NW 1. For example.
P18 At this point I m thinking Peter’s really quiet pathetic. It’s getting hard to stay sympathetic towards him.
P28 The cultural differences between Peter and Poppy feel all too superficial. Try to use conversations about things like that to convey other deeper things in the subtext.
P28 this feels very abrupt. We don’t really have enough reason to like Peter. Up to this point he’s been pathetic, so the sex scene feels kinda like a pathetic man taking advantage of an insecure vulnerable girl.
P30-cultural differences stuff needs to be expanded. It’s a great source of conflict that’s squandered in the present draft. It seems reduces to quirks of manner and attitude rather than being a fundamental source of contrast or conflict between the couple.
P60 – revelations come too thick and fast here.
P64 – the characters (esp Poppy) have a snarky way of talking about themselves that doesn’t quiet work for me atleast.
P66 – I don’t really like this kinda political point scoring. It feels out of place and it’s kinda a cheap gag that risks making half your audience laugh and the other half grimace.
P69- again with the purple prose from Poppy. The character has this habit of narrating her own situation/s and thought – i think you a treading a tight rope. Some times this kinda stuff can appear quirky post modern and ironic, a la Juno...but at other times and especially for an amateur writer, readers might assume this to be just plain old bad writing.
P82 – again there was no signposting of the threat to Peter’s job. Poppy occasionally threatened to grass him, but no outside source of conflict or sense that such a problem might arise prior to this.
P88- waay too late in the day to throw all these new characters into the mix imo.
P103- Angela’s lump of bald expo doesn’t work here. It’s feels like soliloquy we could do without.
P107- I have a hard time imagining Peter throwing a punch – lol.
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Ok. As I'm sure you are aware this is a spec for a $100M+ period fantasy adventure. A hard as hell sell at the best of times. With that in mind it needs to be bulletproof to even begin to entertain a cat's chance in hell of being produced. At present it’s far from it. I'm gonna pull no punches with my review but please bear in mind that everything that follows is motivated...
Ok. As I'm sure you are aware this is a spec for a $100M+ period fantasy adventure. A hard as hell sell at the best of times. With that in mind it needs to be bulletproof to even begin to entertain a cat's chance in hell of being produced. At present it’s far from it. I'm gonna pull no punches with my review but please bear in mind that everything that follows is motivated by my desire to pinpoint and expose problems and suggest potential workable solutions to them, if my tone comes across heavy handy apologies in advance. I’m a Brit (we’re stiff assed that way or so I’m told – expect the worst lol.)…
Concept
I’m not sure what the concept is exactly. Little Mermaid meets the 20’000 leagues? It's stuck between far too many different kinds of stories. There is 'a save the mermaid' free willy type thing that to my mind sits uneasily alongside the seafaring treasure-hunting sea monster killing kinda stuff that’s more traditionally what you’d expect from this genre. Can it work? Maybe. Does it right now? No. What’s the macguffin? Is it the mermaid? The medallion? What’s the goal? Get treasure? Kill monster? Find the sweetheart?
Pulling off this kinda SP is a bitch.
You have 10-15 pages. In that 10-15 pages you need to Set up your fantasy/period world, the concept of it, it’s foundations, it’s history, it's rules and it's quirks. Then you need to introduce your protagonist (Luke the Tattooeen farmboy), set up the status quo ( Luke bored on Tattooeen- intergalactic oppression) and THEN create the incident (for example the now immortal hologram message: ‘Help me Obi Wan Kanobi, you re my only hope’- call to adventure) that turns this protagonist’s world entirely on it's head. That's ALOT of leg work. A ton of pipe to lay and you have to do it on the move without stalling the story to do so. To show not tell. How much of your world is like the real Victorian world (as it was) how much of it is fantastical? Set this up clearly so the audience knows where they stand.
Also the concept of whalers killing sea creatures for no particular reason is kinda outta whack in this modern era imo. The sea monsters at too close to ‘whales’ for comfort. Today where whales are endangered and most children outside of North Korea equate the term ‘whaler’ with evil bastard without a second thought. Something to consider.
Story
Crippled by the structural issues (more on this to follow). I was left detatched and emotionally unengaged when the action kicked off. It was unclear who was chasing after what and why we the audience were supposed to care about any of it?
Character
Far too many characters. Many of whom don’t contribute to the forward progress of the story at all. It’s hard to discuss the characters independent of structure since the structural issues undermine most of the characters and make them pointless or less compelling or whatever. What is the protagonist’s arc? He’s caught awkwardly between searching for a love lost at sea and seeking bloody minded vengeance? And his desire to save this mermaid is hardly noble either since it's to use her as bait? And then there is that treasure or lack thereof?
Everyone's motivations are muddled and confusing. Too many factions. And not enough clear tangable goals to anchor and guide the story. Or direct the audience’s interest and engagement.
I don’t give a damn about that mermaid btw. She’s not a character. She’s a mute but also totally devoid of any sort of personality. She’s a static plot goal/maccguffin stuck in a fish tank. What’s more the protagonist’s motivation to save her is related to his cynical desire to use her to get revenge. Also why she is definitely going to serve as bait for the sea creature anyway? Isn’t clear. Why not make her look exactly like the lost girlfriend?- but with a fish’s tail or something? So that the connection is obvious/clear. And ‘how on earth did my long lost girlfriend BECOME a mermaid…’ becomes the central mystery DRIVING the protagonist along with… ‘I gotta save her’? Give the other supporting characters ANOTHER different reason to want to free the mermaid. i.e to use her to lead them to treasure or to a monster they want revenge on or something. So that protagonist goes along with them but has a different agenda that’s related to HIS individual fatal flaw of his lost love and his inner goal of resolving her loss? This will create tension within the crew and improve the story imo.
Also poor poor Ardan. He defends his home (the sea) kills whalers that intrude on it. And is then murdered when one whaler’s son comes back and throws a spear through his heart? And we’re supposed to be on the damn kid’s side and cheer about this?
Structure
Right out of the block your race car stalls. Kill the love interest OR the father, not both in quick succession back to back like you do.
We don’t have enough time to care about either character. Your protagonist has 10 years. For the audience it’s the next scene.
If you must kill both (father and sweetheart) at the start, then kill both during the SAME single incident (I'd advise against that too tho). At present the script essentially has two back to back totally different inciting incidents that detract and undermine each other. One sets up a love story the other a moby dick-style revenge. If you have to kill the father too do it much much later. Well into act two at the ‘all is lost’, by which point we might know him and the protagonist’s relationship to him enough to give a damn.
Think of it as Luke Skywalker’s uncle dies (early on-point of no return - no one really cares - but it's the call to adventure)….Then about an hour and a half later just before the finale is set up… the mentor/ master Obi Wan dies (everyone loves him, kids cry etc). That’s how it’s done. Because that’s how it works.
Dialogue-
Too much on the nose expo. Various characters have a tendency to state their motivations and emotions literally. But again the problems with the motivations are fundamental and at the level of structure which is why I think characters end up reminding us and themselves of what these are in on the nose fashion all the time.
OVERALL
As a big fan of Moby Dick/20kleagues/Jules/HG Wells/Atlantis and all that stuff I really wanted to like this. But the structure is imo in need of a fundamental rethink. Sorry I don’t have more positives to add. Hope this helps one way or another with the rewrite and best of luck.
Page by Page
P1-10 – Nice story book feel to it so far.
P13 Very on the nose outburst about the father. Find another more subtle way of showing this loss.
P10-13 The protagonist has sustained to huge emotional hits before we’ve had enough time to give a damn about the guy.
P15 -17 Structural problems. Two massive tragedies back to back one in flashback.
P17 Too many characters have come and gone already. Who is who?
P20 This dirty dozen stuff doesn’t quiet work. Who are these people? Why should I care?
P31-35 The treasure issue is raised as too much of an afterthought. To the pirates/crew at least it should be the main and only motivation for the proposed misadventure.
P 35 You might want to check this but I’m pretty sure there wasn’t a country called Senegal as such in 1850 but a collection of chiefdoms locked in combat with each other and with colonial oppressors. I think modern Senegal was created in the 1960s?
P40 trim this dialogue it rambles.
P41 very on the nose. The protagonist is explaining his motivation as it should only appear on the writer’s character sheets and bios.
P57 This stuff is coming into it FAR too late. This stuff belongs in the first ten pages or as near to them as you can get it. Think the Ark back story in Raiders.
P60 Suddenly real people from Brit period history arrive on the scene? This hasn’t really been signposted properly in advance.
P64 Blackwood has been away for what feels like forever. Forgot who he was.
P67 This business about the mermaid dying outside sea water feels like a contrivance.
P74 Make Aquarianna look exactly like a mermaid version of the missing girlfriend-and essentialy BE the same woman transformed or something like that. This love stuff is too little to late imo.
P91I’m feeling sorry for Ardan. Wondering what happened to the treasure? Why is this all boiled down to being only about revenge?
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