Needs to be scarier and better written.
The production notes said this script was written in 10 days and I think it's fairly evident. Structurally everything is there but the story and the plot require much rethinking if the author hopes not only to retain our interest for 108 pages but also make us care about what's going on. The setup establishes a tone of something dark and foreboding, but that vanishes entirely as we meet the Whitmores on their way to moving into their new house. The POV seems to shift throughout, and we're not sure through whose eyes we're seeing the story. In the first act it's the parents and then the daughters, then later in the script it's largely the brothers.
Everything that's supposed to be scary in this script is diluted by the matter-of-fact reponse from the characters. Told by Harry that the lights are to keep winged creatures from eating them alive, Jack's reaction is merely to look into the sky inquisitively and then later insist his daughters "stay in the lights" when they attend the party at the church. When Buffy leaps into the darkness, her apparent suicide doesn't even elicit shock or horror from the others, and a few pages later when she reappears as a beast (never explained how or why) everyone responds with matter-of-fact sarcasm and resignation. It just doesn't ring true and consequently the story suffers greatly.
The current iteration of this story also requires an incredible suspension of disbelief: If these creatures have such power of the night over this town, why are the townspeople so casual and cavalier about their presence? And it seems too coincidental that the very week this family is moving to town is when the 100 year annual eclipse is about to happen. What if it was a different week? Would things be different? And there's no satisfying explanation for any of this, the origin of the creatures, the legend of the brothers, how the townspeople have been able to survive all these years before the Whitmore's arrival.
In the first act the author introduces the brothers as "something good about those two" in the eyes of the father. And as we learn more about them they seem to have some sort of power and sway over their classmates like they're not ones to mess with. In fact, I was almost thinking they were going to turn into some sort of malevolent creatures themselves, which would have been cool. And surprising. That's what this script is lacking right now. Twists and turns and unexpected moments that keep the audience guessing. I'm not trying to bash it. The author is not a bad writer, and again I think the structure and characters are there to make something compelling, but right now it's strictly an "A to B to C" story that doesn't hold up under scrutiny and, especially with the current Twilight Zone-esque ending, doesn't make sense.
Other Reviews by Dodgeball
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This script has some nice things going for it. I love the style and attitude of Colin's VO and the multiple, fast-paced storylines that all intertwine. It's remniscent a bit of "Lock Stock and two smoking barrels" and "Trainspotting" and "Confidence." I liked what happens to Fran too. So often in movies do we see someone shoot their gun in the air, so rarely are there consequences...
This script has some nice things going for it. I love the style and attitude of Colin's VO and the multiple, fast-paced storylines that all intertwine. It's remniscent a bit of "Lock Stock and two smoking barrels" and "Trainspotting" and "Confidence." I liked what happens to Fran too. So often in movies do we see someone shoot their gun in the air, so rarely are there consequences. Only notes I have would be to suggest you have this read aloud by some actor/friends. There are some dialog passages that could be tightened up and trimmed. Sometimes Colin gets a little wordy with his VO when glib would probably be better, and more stylized. I didn't buy Rags being so readily subservient to Mike, seems like he'd be more into consolidating power for himself rather than being someone's "lap dog", especially if he's been conspiring against Fran for months. I like the whole maguffin of the t-shirt thing, though you set it up in the beginning as more important via Colin's VO than it should be. In the first 10 pages you should really be setting up the key players in the story, so perhaps the t-shirt thing shouldn't be accentuated quite so much to the point where it's really the only thing we're trying to discern import and meaning from (because, frankly, Colin instructs us to). But other than that, it's got some fun parts and the dialog is pretty darn strong. Good job.
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This is a great premise for a horror film. The logline is reall intriguing and for the most part, the script delivers on the horror. However, the author tells us way too much about the nature of the orphanage and the horror right off the bat. I think you would do well to lose the whole Act 1 Austin storytelling scene. I understand why you want it, but if it came later, like...
This is a great premise for a horror film. The logline is reall intriguing and for the most part, the script delivers on the horror. However, the author tells us way too much about the nature of the orphanage and the horror right off the bat. I think you would do well to lose the whole Act 1 Austin storytelling scene. I understand why you want it, but if it came later, like in Act 2 after the audience had a chance to experience for the first time along with the characters the chilling nature of the house, it would be much more compelling. Since you tell us right away about the history, that all who enter are doomed, there's no real sense of building tension or jeopardy--at least not as much as could be were we a little in the dark about what exactly was going on.
That's my biggest overall comment because I think once the action gets going, the scenes in the house are pretty fun and definitely macabre. The thought of malevolent child corpses, charred little hands reaching through the darkness to grab your arm or leg is a chilling one, and you will find many readers who enjoy the journey you take them on because of that premise. Hasn't really been done in a movie yet, that I can recall.
The interaction between the characters in the RV and the house is good, as well as in the bar (minus the storytelling scene, which again gives away way to much), but I felt that you probably could've held on the first group of characters longer to establish where they were were coming from, how they got together and why they're in the situation they're in. The Hostage/Kidnapper dynamic where both must team together to fight a 3rd party is a fun setup but we need to know more about these characters and how they came together to really appreciate the relationships they're going to have between them.
I liked the misdirect of Phil's relationship to the house, though I think the payoff could be stronger. Perhaps you could play that out longer so that we think he's truly the key and not Austin. I also wasn't sure what happened to Rachel at the end of all this.
Do a document search for the name "Tad" and remove it. I think that was supposed to be Sam. As for Sam's police work, it doesn't make sense that they're fugitives from a fresh crime scene and he doesn't call for backup or assistance in the matter. And would he get on the radio to tell them to give it up, thus blowing an opportunity to surprise them at the bar? Maybe it would be better if the crime that occurred happened a little while back and Sam is a detective who's been doggedly pursuing them, waiting for the moment they tried to cross the border. Just a thought.
Also, the whole notion of "playing games" as far as the orphans is concerned didn't really jibe with the notion of "waiting for the last orphan to return." Seems like the raison d'etre of the orphans isn't clearly defined enough to be compelling.
I think this script needs a lot of work to be a saleable piece of writing, but that's what this site is for so I'm going to give it a consider in the hopes others will give you constructive feedback and you can hone it down into a tight little masterpiece of terror. You've got the premise and the structure (but again, the storytelling thing in Act 1, I think it's killing your momentum and giving away the store in terms of suspense).
Best of luck.
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"Horatio" has a universally appealing premise--mysterious stranger with magical powers has an extraordinary impact on the ordinary lives of a group of people. The magic man in this case is Horatio and he comes to a small town where a group of people are struggling with problems we can all relate to. The first 35 pages are pretty much wholly dedicated to establishing that...
"Horatio" has a universally appealing premise--mysterious stranger with magical powers has an extraordinary impact on the ordinary lives of a group of people. The magic man in this case is Horatio and he comes to a small town where a group of people are struggling with problems we can all relate to. The first 35 pages are pretty much wholly dedicated to establishing that Horatio has supernatural omniscient abilities to know exactly what people are thinking, exactly what will happen to them and, from his interaction with them, is only there to help them. A big problem with this first act is that it never explains or sheds any light on why Horatio is there, who is he or why he's choosing these particular people to help. A bigger problem with the whole script is that we never get answers to those questions at the end either. In similar stories, from "Something Wicked This Way Comes" to that recent novel by Stephen King (the name escapes me) we always get an explanation, a payoff that helps us fundamentally understand WHY?
The various stories have merit, though some, like Mark and Emily, might be a little cliche and thus might be punched up by rewriting against type--like maybe reversing the sexes or making them same sex or something offbeat.
But there are so many stories that they get a little hard to follow, though you've done a nice job combining storylines with characters to help keep things in better perspective. I think the most confusing part comes during the flashback involving the mind-reading locket lovestory. It in itself is actually a very interesting story but it comes smack in the middle of all these other stories and we spend a lot of time (read PAGES) with it before we return to the five (or is it six?) other plotlines.
The ending is interesting, and definitely a little metaphysical, which is cool. But again, you need to explain to us what's going on. Explain your magic, give us some insight as to what Horatio is up to. Is he an angel? Is he God? Is he some other magical being? Without that context, we are left with too many questions that take us away from your overall story.
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