A number of suggestions come to mind but please keep in mind I'm not a pro and I'm sure I lack a lot of that kind of perspective. Regarding your title, a Shakespeare quote seems to distract from the ninja theme. That goes for the turkey too; all of a sudden I'm thinking of Thanksgiving dinner. You might want to explain about waxing as well; some readers might think he could be trying to look good for the beach. In paragraph 2 ending both sentences with 'off' sounds a little too repetitive.
In paragraph 3, the word 'proud' pops up a lot; you need to expand the vocabulary; a Thesaurus can help. The subsequent allusions to food again are distracting, likewise with the cat in paragraph 5. The list goes on. On a broader note, the idea of risking the lives of students in the humanity test doesn't seem believable to me: why would a teacher just throw away half of what he worked for over many years of teaching? Is there no alternative at all? I just don't see that happening. Even less so, risking a repeat the next day.
So anyway, even though the story needs work I thought the imagery was vivid. Getting good at what goes on between the thinking of a story and its completion takes time and patience but if you want to you can do it.
Review of: To Be Or Not To Be A Ninja
reviewed by murraymd on 02/05/2010
Other Reviews by murraymd 32
A review of Another Chanceby murraymd on 05/16/2010I thought the story was well told although the main character seemed a little overly naive. That seems to take away from its believability. Perhaps if the character was a little more savvy to her surroundings then gets taken by someone she comes to trust rather than the grotesque kinds of guys described in the story. Most such incidents apparently happen like that and I think... read
A review of Next-of-Kinby murraymd on 03/16/2010I liked this story from the time I first saw the title "Next-of-Kin". I just knew somebody had to have gotten killed and my curiosity was just itching to find out more. I was a little surprised though at the ending though as I thought this might be a whodunit. It was a very interesting portrayal nonetheless. I somehow wonder if there isn't some kind of police protocol that... read
A review of Bully Billy Callahanby murraymd on 03/14/2010Another excellent story by this author. I enjoy the way this one starts: lots of bright adjectives and a very full description of the title character. The second paragraph gets even further into the character's history and routines. One can't help but feel a little sorry for him because of his isolation from the rest of the theatergoers, and from the sounds of things through... read