A number of suggestions come to mind but please keep in mind I'm not a pro and I'm sure I lack a lot of that kind of perspective. Regarding your title, a Shakespeare quote seems to distract from the ninja theme. That goes for the turkey too; all of a sudden I'm thinking of Thanksgiving dinner. You might want to explain about waxing as well; some readers might think he could be trying to look good for the beach. In paragraph 2 ending both sentences with 'off' sounds a little too repetitive.
In paragraph 3, the word 'proud' pops up a lot; you need to expand the vocabulary; a Thesaurus can help. The subsequent allusions to food again are distracting, likewise with the cat in paragraph 5. The list goes on. On a broader note, the idea of risking the lives of students in the humanity test doesn't seem believable to me: why would a teacher just throw away half of what he worked for over many years of teaching? Is there no alternative at all? I just don't see that happening. Even less so, risking a repeat the next day.
So anyway, even though the story needs work I thought the imagery was vivid. Getting good at what goes on between the thinking of a story and its completion takes time and patience but if you want to you can do it.
Review of: To Be Or Not To Be A Ninja
reviewed by murraymd on 02/05/2010
Other Reviews by murraymd 39
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A review of Thy Will Be Doneby murraymd on 07/22/2013This narrative, told from the character of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle tells a great story behind the demise and subsequent revival of Sherlock Holmes. It seemed well thought out and as a reader I was rather sympathetic to the narrator in his dilemma of wanting to put an end to the character and move on with his life and the public outcry over the end of their beloved hero. I felt... read
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