Review of: To Be Or Not To Be A Ninja 

reviewed by murraymd on 02/05/2010
Credited Review
murraymd
Needs Work Credited Review
A number of suggestions come to mind but please keep in mind I'm not a pro and I'm sure I lack a lot of that kind of perspective. Regarding your title, a Shakespeare quote seems to distract from the ninja theme. That goes for the turkey too; all of a sudden I'm thinking of Thanksgiving dinner. You might want to explain about waxing as well; some readers might think he could be trying to look good for the beach. In paragraph 2 ending both sentences with 'off' sounds a little too repetitive.

In paragraph 3, the word 'proud' pops up a lot; you need to expand the vocabulary; a Thesaurus can help. The subsequent allusions to food again are distracting, likewise with the cat in paragraph 5. The list goes on. On a broader note, the idea of risking the lives of students in the humanity test doesn't seem believable to me: why would a teacher just throw away half of what he worked for over many years of teaching? Is there no alternative at all? I just don't see that happening. Even less so, risking a repeat the next day.

So anyway, even though the story needs work I thought the imagery was vivid. Getting good at what goes on between the thinking of a story and its completion takes time and patience but if you want to you can do it.

Other Reviews by murraymd 39

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