I really enjoyed this story. There was a freshness in your writing that I don't see that often, at least not since the days of hard bop, heroin and the death of the Californian dream. It reminds me a bit of the Beats, but with a more sympathetic and less compulsive voice.
Your dialogue was electric. Whole personalities were revealed in their choice of words, and I could feel the temperature of the night rise and picture the pair of girls fully even though they were only briefly described. So your economy with words is great.
The only problem I have is with Toledo's introduction to Mookie. It seemed to arise out of nowhere. I understand Mookie is imbued with a particular charisma, but he seems almost like a mystical figure drawing Toledo towards him. Toledo offering his saxophone to him with barely a word spoken seemed a little unearned. I'd go back and make that initial meeting a little more coherent. Maybe they make a bar bet, Toledo loses, and so he has to hand over the sax to Mookie, thus sealing his fate. Just an idea.
Anyway, I also liked the ending. I was interested in following Toledo further on his great adventure and hope that this might just be a small piece of a bigger story.
Nice job, and best of luck with it.
Review of: The Sound of the Night
reviewed by dgburton on 02/27/2011
Other Reviews by dgburton 67
A review of Snapshot of BeautyThis is a beautifully written, tender story about how so much can unfold in just a few moments. Your prose is the strength of the piece, very sensual and descriptive, and it's easy to imagine and dream on such a sanctuary as you've created and shared here. The thoughts of the lovers, though possibly fleeting, are bound up with such universal and timeless emotion that it would... read
A review of The story of the TattooThis was quite a funny piece. You set the tone early with the light-bulb gag, and it really was a fun ride. I would think this would make a good sample piece if you were interested in writing a humor column for your local newspaper ala Dave Barry. (Do newspapers even exist anymore?) Anyway, I quite enjoyed it and you have some terrific lines. I would have liked to see the... read
A review of Tell Me a StoryI thought this was an interesting premise for a story. The narrator a little like Travis Bickle from "Taxi Driver" but even more demented and driven. I think an opportunity was missed with the victim though. I would have liked to actually here a story, as requested, rather than the begging and pleading that followed. What kind of story would the victim have told? It could have... read