I liked this story. It's a bit dialogue-heavy, but most of the dialogue works very well. I fear that this may be a bit too subtle for some of your reviewers, but I think that's their problem, not yours. You don't want to beat the reader over the head with your points, which is what I think would happen if you were any less subtle.
I felt that you made the right choice in the perspective of this story. If we had seen this through the woman's eyes, we would've known too much too soon. And if we had seen it through the boy's eyes, we probably wouldn't have known enough about the woman to fill in her backstory. So the third party observer was the right way to go.
You also do a good job of fleshing out these two characters. The kid seemed like Macauley Culkin straight out of Uncle Buck (which is a good thing, in my eyes). And his innocence juxtaposed against her irritability made for a nice balance.
I wish I could offer some more insight that would help make this better, but I think it's pretty good as is.
Do kids nowadays know who Pee Wee Herman is?
P.6 - "and presumably became nibbling at her fingernails" Should "became" be began?
Review of: Bus Stop
reviewed by mijorico on 09/20/2007
Other Reviews by mijorico 119
A review of Wolf-Girlby mijorico on 07/06/2012This script boasts an attractive premise, as well as a universal theme which the targeted demographic would certainly find relatable. The problem is, like our main character, this draft suffers from a bit of an identity crisis. We are introduced to Rhonda as a brave young girl just beginning to realize who she really is, but who is subsequently ostracized for it. When... read
A review of Evergreenby mijorico on 03/26/2012First, I’d like to thank you for your review of The Long Road Home. I appreciate the gesture. As for this piece, you asked for my honest opinion, so here it is. I think this story needs quite a bit of work. First, let’s start with the title. Evergreen is the name of the nursery where David is briefly employed in the first act. Beyond that, the title has no obvious... read
A review of Not Cops (rewrite)by mijorico on 07/13/2011This story features a clever premise that offers a different perspective on the buddy cop genre. Your opening is strong and clever, and successfully establishes the world of this story. I enjoyed the idea of seeing this very typical, over-the-top interrogation scene, only to reveal that these guys aren’t really cops. I think you could have pushed that even further, maybe... read