I’m a big fan of vignette style movies (especially horror): your segues between stories were done particularly well, with some nice overlapping that really tied the piece together.
Strong opening – really grabs your attention.
Page 2: “It is definitely a FEMUR.” And “The head of a cow is tossed to the ground.” – a lot of great imagery.
Page 21: JENNIFER: “Your virus can be transmitted to someone ONLY when they’re in direct contact with the infected blood.” - At first mention of the femur and the dismembered teens, I knew where we were headed with the “BEST BURGER IN KENTUCKY.” However, having John’s carcass transmit another virus was a nice piece of irony and put a great twist on the whole cannibal scenario.
Page 21: JENNIFER: “It mutates so fast. It’s very rare and deadly.” – The customers are dropping like flies immediately after dining on their johnburgers, and yet John has been in excellent health throughout the story. I suggest reworking the ending to account for this discrepancy.
Page 22: “BURT JONES, mid-thirties, heavy set man is driving a large soda.” – I know you are aware of many typos in this piece, but couldn’t pass this one up!
Page 23: MOM: “You must be wearing your shit stained underwear then.” – funny.
Page 31: “Burt thinks this man is crazy.” – Need to show, not tell.
Page 32: “All of the anger from the day has built up inside of him.” – unnecessary statement; we’ve been along for the ride and know exactly what kind of day he’s having.
Page 34: BURT: “What did the giraffe say to the leopard...” – I can’t picture Burt (or any man in his mid-thirties) telling this joke. The tone you’ve set slips at this point.
Page 36: “IT READS: "LUDLOWVILLE RESTAURANT - EST. 1932 - HOME OF THE BEST BURGER IN KENTUCKY" – Not necessary to repeat the words on the sign.
Page 37: BURT: “This paper’s a YEAR OLD!” – You will need to come up with a better device to relay the information to Burt about Phillip. Why they have one-year old newspapers lying around is puzzling.
Page 41: “There are slaves working in the field.” - This line is repeated a few lines down.
Page 63: “A few GLOWING RED BUGS crawl up the back of his neck and into his ears.” – great image. Bugs burrowing into your brain is a lot of people’s worst nightmare.
Page 63: “He raises his hand and there is BLOOD on it.” – You used this a few lines earlier.
Page 65: “Bobby turns around and sees the glowing red bugs marching towards him.” – Swarming would be better than marching.
Page 71: “SAMANTHA is holding up her cell phone, trying to get a signal.” – A big horror movie cliché. Best to not even mention having the cell phone – it’s just as plausible she left it in the car.
Page 78: “She opens the gallon of milk and begins to pour it into the trash can.” – Not the sink?
The first story about John was definitely the strongest and most tightly written. The script itself was fast-paced and entertaining.
Review of: Ludlowville
reviewed by RJWIII on 12/10/2009
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