Nice pull at the races.
Hello,
Thanks for the opportunity to read your script. Full disclosure, I am an American. There are terms and sayings in this script that I don’t completely understand. That being said, it didn’t distract from the script at all, which is to be commended.
First let me give you my running notes on the script while I was reading, and then I will give you my overall impression.
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Running notes on The Biggest Collect of All
No need for “CONTINUED” at the top of each page. That’s an old tool, not used too often anymore.
Not sure about the names. I will give it a chance, but they are starting to sound like pirates. I don’t mean that in a good way.
Page 10 – The action is too bunched together. Intercut it with the Announcer’s dialogue, and it will make the action jump.
Page 20 – I am loving the dialogue. Very natural. One bit of advice, all of the voices of the characters are kind of similar. It’s hard to do naturally, but you may want to vary it a touch. Overall very natural.
Page 21 – Once again you have large chunks of action with nothing breaking it up. You may want to work on that as it can slow your script down.
Page 38 -- RORY
Look, these meetings are so
draining. Besides, I’m not like
them. Those guys have been fucked
over, screwed and then denied
access to kids they love. I just
got screwed over. There’s no
emotional involvement for me. I’m
happy to just beat the system.
I think this is a bit too obvious. I would cut the last two lines.
Page 66 -- LOVE the “Kaiser Soze” line. It sets the mood and is funny at the same time. Well done.
You have a lot of transitions, like “DISSOLVE TO:”. Unless it’s used for a specific mood or style, you can cut those out. They are not used that much any more.
Page 73 – I think you should have given Rory’s Son a name in the script.
I don’t think the beach house being built on 119 is necessary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~end of notes~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great job on this script. I feel like you are kind of a kindred spirit. I like putting pop cultural references in to my scripts as well. You peppered them in nicely, and they never overpowered your work. That’s hard to do.
If I had one suggestion it would be to condense some of the characters. I think that they are great, but I almost think that Leroy and Spider could be the same person. Also Graham and Ironguts. This is not a must do, but it would make them a bit more dynamic.
I loved Rory. Great character. I’d love to see a Simon Pegg play him.
Overall your characters felt very real. That's not easy to do. Their humor and emotional moments felt genuine. It's smart dialogue that helps with that, and you have that down.
I really enjoyed the script. As I mentioned there are a few things you could clean up, but this was easily my favorite read in a while. Well done.
Other Reviews by Evan Neill
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Review of News Breakers.
Having read through the script I am conflicted. I think you have some nice situations, you have two central characters that can be fun to be around, but the development is shallow, the motivation is forced, and most of the situations these two find themselves in are very contrived and easy.
While I am a big man myself, I don’t get why describing...
Review of News Breakers.
Having read through the script I am conflicted. I think you have some nice situations, you have two central characters that can be fun to be around, but the development is shallow, the motivation is forced, and most of the situations these two find themselves in are very contrived and easy.
While I am a big man myself, I don’t get why describing them both as slightly overweight is necessary to the story. Cole uses his size, and jokes about it, but Sean doesn’t. There is no need to describe them both as the same. Use their differences to distinguish them.
Hum... Cole is making fun of a little fat girl in one scene. Not sure if you will win over viewers or producers with this situation, and it’s not about not being realistic. I have liked Cole up to this point. Even with his little pranks there has been an air of mischievous fun. This scene crosses the line, and I don’t like him much now. Why would I want to spend an hour and a half with him?
I like their plan, but it’s all happens too easily. There is no real struggle, and the Loan Officer just offering to help if they can get rid of the mother-in-law is another example of this. Too easy. Have you thought about starting off by blackmailing the loan officer? Maybe catch him in a lie and use it to their advantage?
You need a “straight man” in all of this. I know that Sean is the more level headed of the two, but only by slight degrees. I would recommend Sean being reluctant to open this business, but Cole knows he’s really great at lying and reading people. It would add some conflict.
Page 36. You put Harold and Kumar in your script? I don’t even know what to say to that. It’s not that it’s out of the realm of possibility, but it kind of changes the tone of the script into parody, and you don’t need that here.
The commercial with Idiot could have been a brief montage, and would have sped up the action. The script is getting sluggish since the scene with the twins.
I understand your “need” for Jill, but this is such a creepy situation. Sean is coming off as a stalker, not a nice guy.
The real issue here is that there is little to no character development in this script. All of the characters are doing things, but the motivation is vague at best, and the secondary characters are very one dimensional. To enjoy a script or movie we need to relate to the characters. I think you have a great concept, but the characters are so flawed that it takes away from any enjoyment. I would feel guilty laughing, and I tend to like black comedy.
If you can retool the characters, work on more of a struggle to have things work, and add more to the secondary characters, this movie could get made.
Best of luck.
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Thank you for the chance to read your script. I normally tell people here that it's a win just to have completed a script, and that's true, but you've done one better. You've written something that has true heart. That's not easy to do.
To start off, you will have some purist who don't like what you add in the descriptions and action. They will say that you are implying humor...
Thank you for the chance to read your script. I normally tell people here that it's a win just to have completed a script, and that's true, but you've done one better. You've written something that has true heart. That's not easy to do.
To start off, you will have some purist who don't like what you add in the descriptions and action. They will say that you are implying humor and feelings that are not "shown". They will say it's cheating. They are kind of right, but to hell with them. You understand something about writing screenplays that some forget. This is a visual art form. Your descriptions and actions helped me "see" what was going on, and for that you have won where they will fail.
Now, on to the story. Here we have two destructive characters that have an agreement to not try and improve one another. Let's be honest. This was doomed from the beginning, but they love each other. I really got that. Relationships should make us better. They should move us along. They will hurt, but in the hurt their is growth.
Bringing a kid into it? Why the hell not. Seems like something else that is bound to go wrong, but it works. Hell, your entire script works. I loved reading it, and I would love to see it get into production. Well done, you have a fan.
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Thank you for allowing me to read your script. It’s never easy to let people look at and take apart your work. At 99 pages long, the script could be trimmed down a touch, and I don’t just mean that as length being an issue. There are some scenes that are a bit redundant, and don’t add to the story. I understand the need to create an environment where we can see Cecil’s repetition,...
Thank you for allowing me to read your script. It’s never easy to let people look at and take apart your work. At 99 pages long, the script could be trimmed down a touch, and I don’t just mean that as length being an issue. There are some scenes that are a bit redundant, and don’t add to the story. I understand the need to create an environment where we can see Cecil’s repetition, but they need to be interesting. You have the shower, the store, the apartments, the crematorium. All of these things are great, but they have to have life to them.
Now, this might just be me, but I had it figured out by page 10. That’s not a bad thing, but I kind of knew that Jack was dead. It was just something in the fact that he hadn’t seemed to have changed at all. No one can be constantly good or bad. It comes across as bland. You may think of having a scene where Jack and Cecil have a heart to heart. Not only will it make it more impactful when we find out the truth, but I will build the characters and make them more complex.
I like the script overall. One formatting issue. When you have a lot of action, break up the paragraphs. It might seem like a small thing, and you handle this well near the end of the script, but early on in the script you have big chunks of action that bog down the pages. Look to the fight between Cecil and Jack. Use that as a model for the other action, and it will move things along.
Nice job,
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