Thanks for the opportunity to read your script. Full disclosure, I am an American. There are terms and sayings in this script that I donít completely understand. That being said, it didnít distract from the script at all, which is to be commended.
First let me give you my running notes on the script while I was reading, and then I will give you my overall impression.
Running notes on The Biggest Collect of All
No need for ďCONTINUEDĒ at the top of each page. Thatís an old tool, not used too often anymore.
Not sure about the names. I will give it a chance, but they are starting to sound like pirates. I donít mean that in a good way.
Page 10 Ė The action is too bunched together. Intercut it with the Announcerís dialogue, and it will make the action jump.
Page 20 Ė I am loving the dialogue. Very natural. One bit of advice, all of the voices of the characters are kind of similar. Itís hard to do naturally, but you may want to vary it a touch. Overall very natural.
Page 21 Ė Once again you have large chunks of action with nothing breaking it up. You may want to work on that as it can slow your script down.
Page 38 -- RORY
Look, these meetings are so
draining. Besides, Iím not like
them. Those guys have been fucked
over, screwed and then denied
access to kids they love. I just
got screwed over. Thereís no
emotional involvement for me. Iím
happy to just beat the system.
I think this is a bit too obvious. I would cut the last two lines.
Page 66 -- LOVE the ďKaiser SozeĒ line. It sets the mood and is funny at the same time. Well done.
You have a lot of transitions, like ďDISSOLVE TO:Ē. Unless itís used for a specific mood or style, you can cut those out. They are not used that much any more.
Page 73 Ė I think you should have given Roryís Son a name in the script.
I donít think the beach house being built on 119 is necessary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~end of notes~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great job on this script. I feel like you are kind of a kindred spirit. I like putting pop cultural references in to my scripts as well. You peppered them in nicely, and they never overpowered your work. Thatís hard to do.
If I had one suggestion it would be to condense some of the characters. I think that they are great, but I almost think that Leroy and Spider could be the same person. Also Graham and Ironguts. This is not a must do, but it would make them a bit more dynamic.
I loved Rory. Great character. Iíd love to see a Simon Pegg play him.
Overall your characters felt very real. That's not easy to do. Their humor and emotional moments felt genuine. It's smart dialogue that helps with that, and you have that down.
I really enjoyed the script. As I mentioned there are a few things you could clean up, but this was easily my favorite read in a while. Well done.
Review of: The Biggest Collect of All
reviewed by Evan Neill on 06/21/2011
Other Reviews by Evan Neill 12
A review of News Breakersby Evan Neill on 07/06/2011Review of News Breakers. † Having read through the script I am conflicted. I think you have some nice situations, you have two central characters that can be fun to be around, but the development is shallow, the motivation is forced, and most of the situations these two find themselves in are very contrived and easy. † While I am a big man myself, I donít get why describing... read
A review of Fireflies and Roman Candlesby Evan Neill on 07/02/2011Thank you for the chance to read your script. I normally tell people here that it's a win just to have completed a script, and that's true, but you've done one better. You've written something that has true heart. That's not easy to do. To start off, you will have some purist who don't like what you add in the descriptions and action. They will say that you are implying humor... read
A review of Dementedby Evan Neill on 06/29/2011Thank you for allowing me to read your script. Itís never easy to let people look at and take apart your work. At 99 pages long, the script could be trimmed down a touch, and I donít just mean that as length being an issue. There are some scenes that are a bit redundant, and donít add to the story. I understand the need to create an environment where we can see Cecilís repetition,... read