reviewed by Evan Neill on 06/27/2011
Credited Review
Evan Neill
Nice setup, but not there yet. Credited Review
Thanks for the opportunity to read your script. I know itís not easy to put it out there for everyone to read. I love comedy, and I was excited to get this one assigned to me. I am honestly torn about the outcome. Comedy needs to be surprising. The set up is good, but everything that followed I could see coming, and that was a bit disappointing for me.

I like the premise of this script, but it is moving at break neck speed. By page 4 the show is cancelled. I guess some one in the past told you to speed it up. If thatís the case you should just start the script with the show already cancelled. Show how Pete is dealing with the cancelation, maybe right to the convention. This feels rushed right now. Thatís not how you want to start off.

The dialogue and the jokes at the convention seem a little forced and wooden. Either go the PG comedy route or go R. Something in the middle comes off as confused. This is a common reoccurrence through the rest of the script. I hate to point this out, but I can kind of tell where one writer is writing and when the other takes over. Either that or you have had some feedback, and are trying to cut or add to the script. Either way it is throwing off the tone.

Wow, you really pushed the acronym machine to get ďSADTURDSĒ didnít you?

Page 19, we get a deliberate ďFart JokeĒ. I donít know if I am the audience for this, and that is always a risk we run by letting others read our scripts. The problem I am having is something that is not uncommon with comedy. Who are you writing this for? Kids, adults, teens? Itís a question I am not sure you as writers have answered for yourselves. It needs to be answered before you do another re-write.

Also, comedy has evolved. If you take a look at comedy over the past 40 years, it goes in stages. We are now in a time where dark situations are king. Movies like THE HANGOVER rule the box office. This feels like something from a few decades ago, mid 90ís material.

The premise is great, but the jokes within are flat and forced. I donít know Peter and Rickey well enough to care about them. So when they get into these kinds of odd situations, I donít care how it turns out.

Comedy is typically tragedy plus distance. Here we have too much of a distance. Work on making us know and care about the characters a bit more, clean up the dialogue to be a bit more natural, and cut out the flat humor. The premise is clever. Itís everything within that is making it fall apart.

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