Other Reviews by Captiva 14

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  Forgive me if I got any of this wrong, but don’t get mad, get clearer. – review of “Shards”
  A review of Shards
  by Captiva on 02/07/2013
  Shards is a mystery, much like Momento, about a man who can recollect only shards of events and seems to be popping back and forth through time. He has been shot, he might be a hit man, he may have killed a pretty girl who is dead in his hotel room…Though the premise is not wholly original, it is interesting enough and different enough to keep us going along, waiting to glean... Shards is a mystery, much like Momento, about a man who can recollect only shards of events and seems to be popping back and forth through time. He has been shot, he might be a hit man, he may have killed a pretty girl who is dead in his hotel room…Though the premise is not wholly original, it is interesting enough and different enough to keep us going along, waiting to glean more information. A lot of questions keeps us looking for answers and moving forward- well done for Act 1, but sometimes we need more answers sooner, to keep us going, give us more answers in act 2; don’t save them all for the end.
  
  The character of Ahmed, an Arab man living in Sweden (it’s not clear if he is an immigrant or was born there) is amusing in his voiced over rhetoric on his own state of affairs, trying to figure out who he is and what is happening.
  
  The most interesting aspect of this script is Ahmed’s hope that he might be a better person than he seems to be. The writing is good, especially considering English may not be the writer’s first language (there are some tell-tale signs) the characters, though somewhat stock: the hit man, the mobster, the super cool hit girl, etc. are enjoyable. The setting is interesting, being a dirty city in Sweden (we usually don’t think of Sweden this way) and the plot could be great. The trouble is it’s very hard to follow and took about 3 1/2 hours to read (for me) due to going back over things several times. In an out-of-sequence, non-linear script it is especially important to connect the dots, and they often don’t clearly connect. I’m still wondering what that polar bear had to do with anything; it turns out it was the moose that was the important animal to keep your eye on.
  
  The script has lots of potential. It needs a good going over with respect to typos. I was diligently noting them, but they became too many and seem to intensify toward the end. Also, the writer could benefit- like I was told here in this very forum- from the book, "The Screenwriter’s Bible" by David Trottier to learn about formatting. Better formatting would solve many of the connect the dots problems by breaking the paragraphs down into smaller bits of text and letting the formatting help us SEE what you want us to see. E.g. going to a new line when we see a new character. (this is what took up a lot of time, going back to re-read) No one wants to have to read things twice in Hollywood and they probably just don't, but instead put your script down and move on to the next one on the pile. Also, you need to tell us each and EVERY time we move about in time whether or not Ahmed has the gunshot wound, don’t leave it to us to guess, or tell us at the end of the scene. SHOW us what we need to see.
  
  Some themes that were stated, but not fully fleshed out: the “Jew-Muslim” problem; Racism; Boris trying to fit in with the straight rich guys.
  
  Other things that don't quite add up: The dome -I’m still not sure why it blew up, or who did it; The insurance scene? (don’t think you need it – it’s too local, feels like a personal issue, not to do with the plot); Lola and Ahmed’s relationship, not exactly clear, I don’t know why he cuts her; How do the Angel Tears make time travel actually possible? We are not merely seeing the future, but able to change it, so it’s not just hallucinations. At one point, it seems as if Nadja can perceive the future too, but then this goes away.
  
  I did like the way it ended, ready to start all over again. A good first draft. Looking forward to the rewrite. read
• 
  ROM-COM for Girls and Boys
  A review of The Dealbreaker (rewrite, formerly "Bait and Switch")
  by Captiva on 12/23/2011
  If one were to judge sexual mores from current cinema, rality and cable tv, not to mention magazines like Maxim and Cosmo, one might feel we are living in a cultural wasteland where real people are expected to behave like porn stars. This is the world of Dealbreaker, a surprisingly sweet romantic comedy that lampoons the concept of the super hip, crazy-sexy and slothful (a... If one were to judge sexual mores from current cinema, rality and cable tv, not to mention magazines like Maxim and Cosmo, one might feel we are living in a cultural wasteland where real people are expected to behave like porn stars. This is the world of Dealbreaker, a surprisingly sweet romantic comedy that lampoons the concept of the super hip, crazy-sexy and slothful (a video-gamer’s catheter? – wow) lifestyle.
  
  Freya and Miles just don’t fit in. Miles is a dork video game champion who is worshipped by other dorks and doesn’t even know that first base is now penetration - he thought it was still a kiss, silly boy. Freya is a self described “crazy cat girl.” When they meet and like each other their romance is immediately co-opted by their two friends Arun and Ellie (Ellie is actually Freya’s sister, but plays the best-friend role in her life) who advise them to lie about virtually everything about themselves and give them loads of dating and sex advice strait from the pages of Cosmo and Maxim to very funny and cringeworthy results.
  
  The territory here is familiar and well-tread, but Dealbreaker does new things with it and really serves as an indictment on just how far round the bend contemporary society has traveled in the constant search for 'crazy-sexy-cool.'
  
  The only note I would suggest is that while the sparse descriptions are funny, effective and in keeping with the style of the potential film, I’d love to see a little more of what a “foam party” actually looks like.
  
  Thanks for a fun read. read
• 
  Great action - tight script
  A review of The False Flag
  by Captiva on 12/14/2011
  Review of The False Flag This script is immediately engaging and progresses with succinct and well-written action from beginning to end. No time is wasted getting into the story of Sean Murray, who strives to be a black opps CIA agent, who after an initial series of tests is put immediately on a very distasteful assignment, and the story just go go goes from there. We get... Review of The False Flag
  
  This script is immediately engaging and progresses with succinct and well-written action from beginning to end. No time is wasted getting into the story of Sean Murray, who strives to be a black opps CIA agent, who after an initial series of tests is put immediately on a very distasteful assignment, and the story just go go goes from there. We get little, but enough, back story, the passionate relationship with his wife, the love of his daughter, to let us know what and who Sean is fighting for and whatever else we need to know is taken care of during brief flashbacks during the action sequences, which are almost constant.
  
  I usually find myself bored reading action sequences, but this time I was not. The script is written with humor and wit and moves very quickly. There are some well deserved periods of rest, for both Sean and his audience about ¾ through (the all is apparently lost portion of the script) and then its full tilt boogie on through the very chilling, very cynical, but not inconceivable ending.
  
  I enjoyed this script very much and would love to see it on screen.
  
  A few possible plausibility issues are noted below, but if others don’t see them they may not be a problem at all. Also a few typos noted in an overall very clean and ready-to-go script. Also, a few other comments about cool stuff I liked.
  
  Bravo.
  
  Pg. 2 If Jugs is watching via the camera, would he not see Sean Murray behind Vasques?
  
  Pg. 38 typo–s/b his face turns to fury?
  
  Don’t quite believe Duke’s reason for not dropping Sean via the thing in his neck. Seems less obvious than shooting the place up and since then the bombs would go off –it will all be covered up in ash and debris and confusion.
  
  Pg. 48 capitalize click.
  
  Pg. 67 – the Smoking Man a little too XFiles – especially with him smoking in inappropriate places like XFiles smoking man did. Unless, of course, he was played by the same actor, in which case it would be kind of cool and also funny – not sure that’s what you’re after though>
  
  68 – Jones & Smith caps
  
  72 – cant they just kill kitty with the computer?
  
  73. with so much tenderness
  
  pg. 78 on his side
  
  pg. 80 scary thought – cell phones
  
  83 – I don’t want to do this with you. – funny! Kitty in the mattress – great!
  
  Pg? The cop believes him a little easily –
  
  109 – did that work – funny
  
  yay – citizen journalist saves the day!
  
  Pg 114. Shit s/b bleep
  
  Wow-
  Great ironic title too.
  
  Love the part when he is banging his head against the headrest to drive the knife in further. Great turn away from the screen moment.
  
  Once again, bravo! And good luck. read