The journey to anywhere always starts with a first step, and I can only assume that this script if one of your first steps into the world of screenwriting. The following review is meant to be constructive, so please keep in mind that I'm not saying anything to be hurtful.
From the first page it was fairly clear that you haven't spent a lot of time studying the craft of screenwriting. Your formatting and writing style is closer to short stories than screenwriting. You might want to pick up something like "Trottier's Screenwriting Bible" just to catch yourself up on formatting. Other people that review this will probably speak at length about the formatting issues, but I'll just suggest that you study more and they will become obvious to you.
Because of this, and just the story in general, this was a difficult read. I had a really hard time following what was going on, and therefore it was more or less impossible for me to connect with any of your characters and understand, much less care, what was going on with them. I think that there needs to be a stronger sense of focus. I think that Frank was the main character, but you spend so much time away from him and focusing on other stories that it's hard to tell.
It's hard to tell from this if you're going for something commercial or not. I'm a structure nerd, but by no means do I believe that scripts have to be pigeon holed into one. If a strong commercial structure is what you're after I also recommend the "Save the Cat" series of books by Blake Snyder.
I hope that other people can give you notes on the story since I found myself struggling to keep up. Like I said, I found it hard to connect with anyone or care about the story. I do wish you the best of luck! I'd be happy to do a freewill of a rewrite if that helps!
Review of: mama louche louche
reviewed by Jeremy on 05/23/2011
Other Reviews by Jeremy 214
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A review of Got to Get Backby Jeremy on 05/11/2011First off, you've got a very crisp and clean writing style. This was a very fast read - you handle your action sequences with flair and originality. This isn't meant to be an insult, but this kind of made me think of an 80's/90's flick starring one of the big action guys - like Arnold or Van Damme, or one of those guys. Big dude with a heart of gold kind of film. The... read
A review of The Dirty Southby Jeremy on 05/10/2011What a fantastically quick read. Your writing style is practically flawless, the pages flow, the description is efficient and gives me all the information I need. Well done! In terms of the story I think the one thing that I wasn't quite sure on was the tone of the piece. At times it felt like it was almost designed to be a really well done b-movie - that's not to be insulting... read