no idea what the title means...
The journey to anywhere always starts with a first step, and I can only assume that this script if one of your first steps into the world of screenwriting. The following review is meant to be constructive, so please keep in mind that I'm not saying anything to be hurtful.
From the first page it was fairly clear that you haven't spent a lot of time studying the craft of screenwriting. Your formatting and writing style is closer to short stories than screenwriting. You might want to pick up something like "Trottier's Screenwriting Bible" just to catch yourself up on formatting. Other people that review this will probably speak at length about the formatting issues, but I'll just suggest that you study more and they will become obvious to you.
Because of this, and just the story in general, this was a difficult read. I had a really hard time following what was going on, and therefore it was more or less impossible for me to connect with any of your characters and understand, much less care, what was going on with them. I think that there needs to be a stronger sense of focus. I think that Frank was the main character, but you spend so much time away from him and focusing on other stories that it's hard to tell.
It's hard to tell from this if you're going for something commercial or not. I'm a structure nerd, but by no means do I believe that scripts have to be pigeon holed into one. If a strong commercial structure is what you're after I also recommend the "Save the Cat" series of books by Blake Snyder.
I hope that other people can give you notes on the story since I found myself struggling to keep up. Like I said, I found it hard to connect with anyone or care about the story. I do wish you the best of luck! I'd be happy to do a freewill of a rewrite if that helps!
Cheers,
-Jeremy
Other Reviews by Jeremy
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I don't think that there is any point in beating around the bush. I found this to be a bit of a tough read. Some formatting issues aside (mentioned below), I think that for the most part your technical skills are quite formed. The biggest issue that I have with this script is focus.
Having read your synopsis posted on the script's profile page I have to say that I never...
I don't think that there is any point in beating around the bush. I found this to be a bit of a tough read. Some formatting issues aside (mentioned below), I think that for the most part your technical skills are quite formed. The biggest issue that I have with this script is focus.
Having read your synopsis posted on the script's profile page I have to say that I never really felt that this is what the story was about. By page thirty there didn't seem to be any story going. Also there seems to lack a protagonist. I mean, I would assume that it's Gordon, but the story doesn't follow him along. And because it doesn't follow him, it doesn't follow anyone, and as a result I have no reason to care or become emotionally involved in your story.
Formatting issues. Need to start with a FADE IN on the left hand side - of just a scene heading. No one ever uses CUT TO anymore. It's assumed you're cutting from one scene to another - unless you need a really specific transition it's best to avoid these.
No reader is EVER going to keep track of all these Adversary's that you're introducing all at once. Instead of numbering them, if it's important than just make their title a description, WHITE FEMALE ADVERSARY, etc… Be consistent in your character slugs - just name these people the same names in the opening scene. But then you have all these people come back - and it's fifty years later, but this token it would appear that someone like Richard is 110 years old and the others are all in their 80s or later, but I never get a sense that they are older people. Did you take this into consideration?
If I'm honest I feel like this is a page one rewrite. You need to focus it on a main protagonist and give me a reason to care about the story. I realize that these notes are a little vague, but I honestly just had such a hard time following what was going on because I didn't care about the story, nor the characters. Also a new title would make a difference - the current title doesn't tell me anything about the story.
Best of luck with this! I hope these notes are helpful and not hurtful as that is not the intention. If you do decide to do a major rewrite on this I'd be happy to do a freewill exchange review with on on it.
Cheers,
-Jeremy
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I'm a guy who likes a film that takes twists and turns. A mystery to figure out - and you've got a doozy here! The writing style is clean and smooth - the pages turns themselves and outside of a formatting thing that I'll mention below, I'll be damned if I found a single typo or error. More people should strive for this kind of perfection before uploading!
There is a difficulty...
I'm a guy who likes a film that takes twists and turns. A mystery to figure out - and you've got a doozy here! The writing style is clean and smooth - the pages turns themselves and outside of a formatting thing that I'll mention below, I'll be damned if I found a single typo or error. More people should strive for this kind of perfection before uploading!
There is a difficulty that comes with a story like this. You need a lot of characters to make the twists and the turns continue to come, and so you've got to introduce a lot of people - and I think you do that well enough, but there is still a problem with the set-up to your story. It's confusing, and outside of knowing that two men were against each other, I didn't really have a strong handle of what was going on - there is a double cross at play so I know that we can't be given too much information, but the problem is that I'm not sure who or what this story is about. Who or what I should be caring about. You need to give me something to latch onto, 'cause for the first dozen pages or more I was drowning in confusion. I didn't even know what level of politics these men were running for. President? Senator? Mayor? Not clear.
It's clear to me that your film is about The Fixer/Julianne, but we don't really get to see her doing a whole lot of fixing, especially because in the end it's all set up. I think you could benefit from an opening sequence where we see her at work, at the top of her game. Also during the second act I would throw a few more obstacles her way.
I really felt like your story was wrapping up at the end of the hotel sequence, and then it felt like a stretched out ending after that, and it kept going, and going, but nothing got more exciting or interesting than what happened at the hotel. So you either need to find a way to compress the ending, or make it get bigger and better following the hotel. It starts to feel rather convoluted by the end with all the double, triple, quadruple crosses - certainly no honour among thieves here! It gets to the point where it starts to become a little unplausable and a little bit like a joke. When you start making it that EVERYONE is a double agent in some way, then it stops being a surprise when someone turns out to have an anterior motive. So keep that in mind. Simplify your ending.
READING NOTES
1 - opening quote is a bit confusing (and to be honest, pretentious). I'd vote to lose it.
1 - These photos feel staged.
24 - These scene between Dills and Parker goes on a half a page or so too long - you want to end with a joke, but you end with three. Pick one. End the scene with "Why would I tell him about your hemmorhoids."
27 - "know how to swim". how does this comment follow up the car wash? Doesn't make sense.
37 - I'm not quite sure the importance of the name on the room - can you make it super clear? Also, it gets solved rather easily (I'm hoping that they weren't actually able to fix it).
59 - I don't recommend changing Henderson's character slug - like The Fixer, just keep it to his alias if need be. Same with Kyle and everyone else.
Not sure you need the Flashback sequence - it's pretty clear how most of this went down (except maybe the bit with the orange juice)
The whole bit with her father comes out of nowhere on page82, if it was in earlier then it was so slight and I missed it. Seems convoluted to connect her and him now - why can't it just be about money?
CLOSING THOUGHTS
This is a fast read and it's entertaining enough. I think it needs a little more work on the areas I've mentioned above, and also a stronger title - your current title it too poetic and doesn't tell me anything about the story or characters. Simply The Fixer, would work well. Best of luck with it! Feel free to hit me with any questions you have while it's still fresh!
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First off, you've got a very crisp and clean writing style. This was a very fast read - you handle your action sequences with flair and originality. This isn't meant to be an insult, but this kind of made me think of an 80's/90's flick starring one of the big action guys - like Arnold or Van Damme, or one of those guys. Big dude with a heart of gold kind of film.
The...
First off, you've got a very crisp and clean writing style. This was a very fast read - you handle your action sequences with flair and originality. This isn't meant to be an insult, but this kind of made me think of an 80's/90's flick starring one of the big action guys - like Arnold or Van Damme, or one of those guys. Big dude with a heart of gold kind of film.
The thing I liked most about your synopsis was the idea of the conflict he had between staying to save this woman, or leaving to cash in on the photos - but that didn't appear to be part of the story at all, which is a shame. So you've either got to change your synopsis for future use or incorporate that idea (which is a really strong one). You might need to make Bree a little bit more of a bitch to him so that we could understand him deciding to leave and save himself. But he feels obligated because he lead them there. It's almost there, but I think you need to bulk it up a little bit.
I think my biggest issue with this is that I wasn't quite sure what the tone of the film was. It's a drama, but it's got a little bit of b-movie cheese to it - the idea of the guy saving the wife with cancer - I don't want to say that it's a cliche, but that kind of storyline lends itself to a certain type of film that is a little melodramatic. I think if you were aiming for one of those slightly over-the-top action dramas from that period I mentioned then I think you're in the right ballpark. I don't want you to think I'm insulting you here - there is a huge market for that type of film, and a very specific actor looking for that type of role. You could do very well with a script like this.
If I were you I would try to lop off a dozen or so pages from the script. I found that the beginning of your second act really dragged and I just wanted something to start happening. Find a way to get us to the rehab centre faster - that should be what really kicks off the majority of the second act - but right now it's not until halfway through the film that we're there. Needs to happen way sooner. I also think that you spend too much time away from Mickey - I would do your best to try and tell the story almost completely from his point of view if you can. The second act spent more time on other characters and b-stories. Minimize them.
READING NOTES
Not the best title. Need something edgier.
3 - I love the description "mountain of insanity"
8 - "the shock of Ozzy's knowledge" meh - it's a bit cheesy - besides if Ozzy says something like this he probably comes out with similar things all the time - I doubt she'd be that shocked. A regular glance would suffice here.
Great Chase scene on the highway. Love that it follows up with her trying to sue him…
So… was the lawsuit thing just to scare him into taking a settlement? I think we might need to see a little more of this to get exactly what's going on between Henry and Mickey…
I like that Bree calls Mickey, says a lot about her character.
30 - I'm hoping that there's something more bout Ozzy Sr's anger towards his son - he's five years clean, you'd think he'd cut him some slack for turning himself around.
Nice touch that the Sheriff is a former addict and cuts Mickey some slack.
The beginning of the second act drags, I keep waiting for something interesting to happen…
48 - As a guy who is on this trip to make money to help save his wife, why is he putting to $20 bills on the table.
51 - That's a pretty great speech from LeeAnn, it's hard not to make that sort of thing cheesy and I dare say you pulled it off.
52 - LeeAnn told him he was five years clean… didn't Mickey show him his AA chip when he visited him? That's why he made the comment about having taken care of Ozzy for the first year of his life…
The Waitress is in quite a few scenes, you should probably give her a name.
I really have a hard time buying that Mickey would go back to fight Randall after he saves Bree. Seriously - why would he risk his life for that?
97 - Did I miss something? How does Randall know about Mickey's family?
He gets stabbed in the heart and lives?!
CLOSING THOUGHTS
Like I said, clean and fast read. It's the kind of writing that's going to serve you for your entire career. It's not easy to write a script like this without it being rife with horrible melodrama, instead you've channeled the good kind. This was a pretty damn entertaining read and I think if you tightened it up, focus the story more on Mickey for the whole, that you're going to have a really great script to send to the right kind of action star.
Best of luck with this!
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