Not bad (contains spoilers).
What can i say about this screenplay?
I noticed a few mistakes along the way, notably sometimes not giving a full slugline, sometimes including dialogue with the prose rather than giving a character heading, and telling us what the characters are thinking in the prose, which is a no-no ("Brian shakes his head in disbelied. Not worth it"). It's the not worth it part that shouldn't be there.
I found the number of flashbacks early on to be quite disorientating, but of course, they're necessary for the story to be told, and it all fits together in the end.
On page 47, a scene seems to be repeated unnecessarily.
The script was easy to read, and although i'm not usually into crime capers, it was interesting and fun to read. I especially loved Kat's character, the way she was hardened to all of the crap that goes on around her, and how she plays everybody.
My favourite part of the screenplay is when Floyd and Loop are in the garden, and he directs his attention away and then.....well, you know the rest ;) I was a bit sad about what happened to Hammers, he is a very likeable character, so for me it was a bad choice to kill him. Maybe he could turn up later, in hospital or something.
Finally, i found the script to be a bit heavy on the dialogue side of things, although not to the point that i got bored.
I definitely recommend others to read it. It needs a rewrite, but it's not unreadable. I hope this review isn't completely useless.
Other Reviews by danjama
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This story reminded me very much of Holden Caulfield in "Catcher In The Rye", and could almost be an excerpt from a follow on. That is, until it takes the unexpected dark turn. I could never imagine Holden doing this, even with all of his adolescent anguish and confusion. Where the hell did that come from? There is absolutely no clues dropped, to tell us that something like...
This story reminded me very much of Holden Caulfield in "Catcher In The Rye", and could almost be an excerpt from a follow on. That is, until it takes the unexpected dark turn. I could never imagine Holden doing this, even with all of his adolescent anguish and confusion. Where the hell did that come from? There is absolutely no clues dropped, to tell us that something like this might be coming! I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, just that it was a surprise. Normally we have a few little hints dropped that the character might not be all there. Either that, or take it even more the other way. Make him seem like an absolute saint, and then it will be even more of a surprise. At the moment, he seems kind of neutral until the event.
It's quite telling about the period in which it's set - I'm sure rich boys would routinely get away with moves like this back in the 50's, before people became more open with rape crime. It's almost stereotypical.
I was sad to see how this went, because I really liked the narrator at the beginning and almost felt sorry for him. He seems very naive and unsure of himself. Also, because the girl seemed like such a bitch, I felt very little sympathy for her being violated. Does that make me cold? I disliked her for embarassing him about his erection, but then I remember the age difference - he being 22 and she being 15 - of course she is probably going to laugh at it, what did he expect? I reckon this dude just takes out minors because they're easy to violate. Maybe he does it regularly. Then I felt more sympathetic towards her.
When I think about her parents, I wonder about why you made her father so indifferent towards her actions and almost resentful of him - he's obviously jealous that he's been born into a rich family. if the father resents the boy, wouldn't he be more cautious of him taking out his daughter? I totally understand the mother being cool with it, because she thinks he's the perfect boy, but the father seems like he would be more cautious.
On the technical side, I couldn't see any real issues with spelling, grammar or punctuation. I did spot the Y missing from every on page 3. The tempo is good, and I liked the detailed description. The main character intrigues me, and I would read more about him, given the opportunity.
Thanks for the read! Good luck with your future writing.
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First, I'll get this off my chest - You don't know how much of a pleasure and relief it is to read a short story by someone who has a clear grasp on sentence structure, and how it can be used to control the tempo and emotion of a paragraph. This was the first thing I noticed. This is a big thing for me, and it made the story so much more pleasurable to read.
This is really...
First, I'll get this off my chest - You don't know how much of a pleasure and relief it is to read a short story by someone who has a clear grasp on sentence structure, and how it can be used to control the tempo and emotion of a paragraph. This was the first thing I noticed. This is a big thing for me, and it made the story so much more pleasurable to read.
This is really well written, and I breezed through it without spotting any mistakes in spelling, punctuation or otherwise. I liked how it was broken up into seperate, manageable paragraphs for each section. Again, this made it a very easy read.
The story itself was sentimental and heartwarming. After reading and writing so much drama lately, I kept on expecting something to go wrong, and for the story to turn rotten, but it surprised me by starting, progressing and ending pleasently. It's interesting to read how a ten year old might feel on encountering his first shopping plaza, at a time when as you pointed out, everybody was aching for consumerism. It's sad to see where this aching has got us though - with oil spills, masses of beautiful land being dug up and built on, and thousands of family run shops losing out to big corporations. I wonder if it all could have been predicted when I read this.
The characters were all likeable. I would have liked to have heard more about his grandpa, whom he seems to hold dearly. I found myself wondering, where is the narrator now, as he shares this event? Is he older? Has he changed? Is he still in Florida? What of his family? Certainly a likeable character, who shows us that there is/was such a thing as a good childhood.
Thankyou for the opportunity to read your story. The only thing I'd like to see is more depth in the supporting characters, and maybe more of an interaction with other people at the mall, and their reactions to it all. Good luck with your future writing.
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That stands for, you're a good film-maker.
I really enjoyed this short film. The concept is fresh, yet ludicrous, and offers maximum comedy value.
The film had a very genuine documentary feel to it; the quick-zoom to catch Scotty's reactions, for example. The soundtrack went very well with it, and the sound quality was excellent. The whole piece was technically sound. I...
That stands for, you're a good film-maker.
I really enjoyed this short film. The concept is fresh, yet ludicrous, and offers maximum comedy value.
The film had a very genuine documentary feel to it; the quick-zoom to catch Scotty's reactions, for example. The soundtrack went very well with it, and the sound quality was excellent. The whole piece was technically sound. I thought the costuming was well thought out, and loved Scotty's suit. I also really appreciated the photo section of Scotty's history.
I find it very difficult to believe that Scotty, a con-artist salesmen, would walk away from an interview he's being payed for, so you have to wonder, does he actually believe in what he's selling? It's crazy.
The actors were all brilliant in their roles. I love the couple at the end, "He's a friend", and the look she shoots him. I'd really like to see a sequel to this short, or maybe an evolution into a feature. It has so much potential.
In terms of negatives, or things that could be improved, maybe you could add more depth to the characters. To be honest, there wasn't much wrong with it. Adding complexity to the characters would only serve to disrupt the film, so ignore that. It would have been interesting, if Scotty had turned it around on the interviewer, and sold him something, or seduced him. So I guess I would have preferred an alternative ending.
To sum up, I enjoyed this short. It was funny and fresh, and well worth my time. The cinematography was perfect for the form, too. Good job.
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