Other Reviews by creekside 123

• 
  A few Good Laughs
  A review of The Two-Headed Detective(s) V4
  by creekside on 12/01/2007
  This work is very clever and very funny. Having said that, this is a one-trick pony in the view of this reviewer. Nothing new about the story line. Nothing new about the characters, save one. The villain is a cliché. His henchmen are knuckleheads in suits. Aren’t they all? The writer has talent because we see glimpses in some of the sight-gags. The brothers fighting... This work is very clever and very funny. Having said that, this is a one-trick pony in the view of this reviewer. Nothing new about the story line. Nothing new about the characters, save one. The villain is a cliché. His henchmen are knuckleheads in suits. Aren’t they all?
  
  The writer has talent because we see glimpses in some of the sight-gags. The brothers fighting themselves, each giving the other black eyes. Some of the one liners are priceless. The fact that Dave and Steve move around with only a few people making comments is a little unsettling. Dave going off because someone calls him a freak is used only as a setup for action later in the script.
  
  The dialog is also full of clichés. I’m confident that the writer can do better. Monica could be more carefully drawn, as could Katherin. What if Katherin were a homespun woman spending the last of her worldly savings trying to find her twin sister rather than a femme fatale? What if Monica hung out with the urban homeboys or country & western good-ol’-boys rather than bikers?
  
  What if "Mr. Chen" from Hong Kong wants his opium back. Monica once cooked American food for him and just knows too much. She witness a killing once and stole the dope to protect herself.
  
  There were a few formatting errors. No points off for that because we all do it. Take care of it.
  
  I knew on page two what was going to happen in the end and I was right. I understand that this is a fun ride. The writer is creative so be even more so. A good re-write and it's golden. Good luck. read
• 
  Higher Plains Review
  A review of Higher Plains
  by creekside on 11/27/2005
  Higher plains. A clever story with potential. I like Jay as the buddy. This is very creative. Doug and even Peter are fairly well drawn, but Sheila needs work. She ends up where she started. Once Viv comes into the picture Peter disappears. Is he still in a relationship with Sheila once she gets a job at the hospital? The transition from Sheila the volunteer to Sheila... Higher plains.
  
  A clever story with potential. I like Jay as the buddy. This is very creative. Doug and even Peter are fairly well drawn, but Sheila needs work. She ends up where she started. Once Viv comes into the picture Peter disappears. Is he still in a relationship with Sheila once she gets a job at the hospital? The transition from Sheila the volunteer to Sheila the administrator needs major work. Doug starts smoking pot. He tells his friend to date his girl. She says okay and then we transition to her running a hospital? She was only a teenager. Even if many months or even a whole year passed it is not likely that she would have that level of responsibility. She directs staff!
  
  The plot line with Inga was good until the end. Bea would not be that sloppy with the morphine key. Why lock it if you then set it down right next to it? Perhaps Bea reaches into her pocket and finds only a hole and no key. She rushes back and?
  
  Doctor Peterson is a one man wonder. He does everything the Sheila does not do. Add hospital staff to make this more believable.
  
  I do like the shaman subplot. It could come earlier and be a bigger part of the story.
  
  As we come to act 3 the story line with Viv’s mother needs to be reconsidered. Having just learned about living perhaps she finds her mother burglarizing the house and they fight and struggle out into traffic or something. Gives more options for story development.
  
  The quality of the dialog is spotty. All this means is that the writer has skills and should work to bring the weaker parts up to match her best writing. One other weakness, and this will be difficult to address from a stoy line point of view is that Jay wouldn’t be allowed in a hospital. Too many health and safety issues.
  
  Sluglines need work. They are there to guide the reader's understanding of three things about a scene. Is it an interior or exterior? Location. Where does it happen? And time of day. Day or Night. It should change when the scene changes. I had no idea if any given scene was during the day or night. Almost all scenes are later so using that as much as the writer does offer little useful information. Opening scene is identified as happening during the afternoon. The next several scenes are labeled as later. By the time Doug is on the operating table it must be night. Reread books on format. That will help.
  
  This is worth a few rewrites. Good luck. read
• 
  Review
  A review of The Prince Of Miraval
  by creekside on 11/26/2005
  Pleasant enough, but totally predictable. The moment that Michelle was introduced and we learn that John is headed to the island it is clear that they will be together in the end. This is not a bad thing. It is the formula for a romantic comedy. The problem is this is not a romantic comedy. John really has no challenge or goal other than to learn about his father. He... Pleasant enough, but totally predictable. The moment that Michelle was introduced and we learn that John is headed to the island it is clear that they will be together in the end. This is not a bad thing. It is the formula for a romantic comedy. The problem is this is not a romantic comedy.
  
  John really has no challenge or goal other than to learn about his father. He has nothing to lose either. He is rich, good looking and , did I say rich already? The supporting cast consists of the regulars. In this case the schoolmarm and barmaid with the heart of gold have been rolled into one
  
  Structurally not much happens. The flashbacks with Roberto and Anna are made too much parallel to what john does. You might consider foreshadowing the construction site so that when the ruins show up it makes more sense. Perhaps when John and Ajay first fly over the island we see the shadow of broken and overgrown foundations. Inhabitants should drop hints at the bad old days. Perhaps not all liked Roberto and now John wants to know why?
  
  It is not clear how the people survive. They drink a lot but how does anyone pay or anything? The islanders need to export something. It doesn’t have to be much, just something.
  
  The dialog is too stiff and on the money. The writer tends to sit people down and explain the story line. Some things come too easily for John and there is little conflict. What if he goes through the drawers in his room and finds the photos? Michelle can scold him and take the album. Now he has to sneak into her room to retrieve it. That sets up a second conflict. She gets the towns people on her side and they want him to leave or whatever. Put some barriers in his way.
  
  The story is a little full in places and thin in others and the time frame thing bounces us around unnecessarily . Consider starting this screenplay at page 5 or 6. There are several scenes that are filler. They don’t move the story forward and set up nothing in the plotline. The restroom scene with the bloody nose. What if John is making a comment about Casey’s coffee stain and turns around just to get splattered with something himself. He goes to George to see if he has a clean shirt. Don’t introduce Darren in the opening scene around Louis’ funeral. What if we first see him in Kathleen’s arms. Surprise us. Add some conflict and a twists. Lastly, explaining everything as an ending does not work for me. What if John’s mother confronts George? What if Casey stops the wedding because she knows of Darren’s affair with the bride? Get the reader fully invested in a knockdown drag out fight as accusations are thrown back and forth and all hell breaks loose.
  
  Good luck. read