NOT SO SPEAKEASY
Ben, I loved The Lonesome Crowded West and Last Week, but this does not resonate with me - it felt contrived and by the numbers - it did not come across as inspired work, but workmanlike, aiming for a perceived audience, giving the public the "same ol' fare" - I've seen it all before, and much better - there was a distinct lack of "freshness", a "vitality" that elevates a work like this above mediocrity - let me give you an example.
I have read Kevan2121 - A Gentleman's game and A Boy's Tail - it's all been done before, but somehow he has managed to elicit a "freshness", has given these stories a new lease of life - in my opinion, both you and Doc failed to achieve this requisite - this feels like a variation of Beer Pong - I can see Doc's finger prints in this writing, less so of yours, even though you appear to get the writing credit - this is my observation.
Members cite they want honesty in reviews, well that is what you will get from me - this is not a Top 10 SP, it's not good enough, a reasonable effort with a small measure of humour, but truly, not good enough and you know that - it's Top 10 because both you and Doc are popular and talented writers with considerable goodwill from fellow members - you can do better, and you both know it - I'm impressed it exceeded 99 pages, did someone count the beats wrong?
Right from the outset, the opening page and setup, it's old hat - only my opinion, and I know you recieved wonderful reviews - formatting, structure and grammar was never going to be an issue, your level of expertise has accounted for that, but the premise is worn and tired - once again, this is uninspired writing - this is written to sell, but I don't believe you will achieve that with this vehicle.
Let me give some more examples - Jeez, Ben do all your stories refer to stalker's?
Mayor of a small town brings in prohibition
Our heroes conduct a Speakeasy
The mandatory "creep" bad cop - good cop
Hot girl "home" for the holidays from school prior to moving away - shy hero has a crush
Plenty of "right age group" swearing and crude bad ass cracks audience demographic
Hero risks the "College fund"
Hero works in dad's store
Love interest's father not impressed with hero
Wyatt's parents away in Europe - house to themselves
"he's the disease...and I'm the cure"
"You sound like a fucking douche bag"
Trevis attempts to frame Wyatt, hits himself in the face with the nightstick
Wyatt loses Ryan's money in a poker game - needs to redeem himself
Father/son motivational speech
Cliff to the rescue - very neat and tidy - did I mention convenient?
City Hall Council meeting and a trial - wow, how original - half expected to see Atticus Finch walk in.
You can love me or loathe me, but I believe you guys failed to rise to the occasion and should/could do better - best of luck.
Other Reviews by Chanel Ashley
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My first review in quite a while, got the hard word my reviews were too mean, lol, hence the long holiday.
Not an issue, here, this is a good effort, but even at six drafts you haven't quite nailed, it - I like your style, engaged from the outset and enjoyed the dialogue from page 1 - your descriptions are short and sweet, plenty of white paper - I'm a fan of economy of words,...
My first review in quite a while, got the hard word my reviews were too mean, lol, hence the long holiday.
Not an issue, here, this is a good effort, but even at six drafts you haven't quite nailed, it - I like your style, engaged from the outset and enjoyed the dialogue from page 1 - your descriptions are short and sweet, plenty of white paper - I'm a fan of economy of words, and mostly, you have acquired this aspect, well done.
p3 - unless deliberate, "Idunno..." is not one word.
p7 - prefer, and think desirable, you keep the "ing" words to a minimum - "turns from a table...drops a particularly..."
I like the repeated "Ah, nuts." - it's a good signature, it works and doesn't grate.
p11/14 - I felt you let your standard slip a little, here - didn't like your over-use of the Announcer as a devise, too contrived, too convenient - remember, show, not tell what is occurring, just presume the audience has some intelligence to discern what transpires on the screen.
p18 - I'm a great believer in diluting superfluous dialogue - Baxter at the top of page:-
"The Olympic games are in Nazi Germany this year, Berlin in fact. After much deliberation, we have decided.." - in my opinion, this flows better, shorter, sweeter, slightly more REEL, rather than REAL dialogue.
p19 - again, Baxter, 12 lines of dialogue - now with your expertise, not to mention a sixth draft, you can easily dilute this to:-
"Whoever did this, has an interest in seeing the U.S. fail...etc."
I presume you are aware of the KISS principle.
I like the chemistry between Rex and Penelope, cute and brazen dialogue, it suits, and fits, the era.
I like the introduction of his brother, Alexander, an excellent foil, as well as Mariel, a contrast and potential competition to Penelope - the banter and dialogue re sibling rivalry was entertaining and a good contrast - it also helped build the tension all round - well done.
I like to tell it as I see it, which sadly, has made me extremely unpopular with some TS members, lol, apparently we are meant to temper our criticism here incase we hurt someone's precious/sensitive feelings - but again, that is not an issue here - this is good work, and you managed to achieve what so many scripts fail to do, which is to entertain the reader, written with some intelligence, wit and nice humour with many clever pieces of writing - I tip my hat off to, you.
The second half has similar areas of improvement as the first half - only a small thing, but it makes a difference - dilute as much of the dialogue as you can - you'll be surprised how you can say convey the same message with less words, it's an art form, you are good enough to acquire, it.
Overall, you deserve the high ranking, and I enjoyed the experience reading your work - one question, though - your name, where the hell does that emanate from, it's such an interesting name, but buggered if I can place its origin - I wish you much sucess.
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This is only a free will, and my first review re a short film, so it will be short and sweet.
I enjoyed the experience, it held my interest till the end - I liked in particular the camera work, some good and effective shots, and impressed with the editing - I also liked the fact there was no dialogue, this was definately a show, and not tell, and you told it well - the score...
This is only a free will, and my first review re a short film, so it will be short and sweet.
I enjoyed the experience, it held my interest till the end - I liked in particular the camera work, some good and effective shots, and impressed with the editing - I also liked the fact there was no dialogue, this was definately a show, and not tell, and you told it well - the score enhanced the experience - keep on filming, there was a nice array of talent on display.
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I won't mince words, I didn't enjoy the experience reviewing this work - your writing style is okay, your action lines as a rule short and sweet, but this deteriorates when describing fighting scences that go on forever.
You use a considerable number of "ing" words throughout your script, when it is suggested we keep it to a minimum, but you chose to disregard that premise...
I won't mince words, I didn't enjoy the experience reviewing this work - your writing style is okay, your action lines as a rule short and sweet, but this deteriorates when describing fighting scences that go on forever.
You use a considerable number of "ing" words throughout your script, when it is suggested we keep it to a minimum, but you chose to disregard that premise.
p1 - should we hear "Footsteps approaching", I mean, shouldn't we presume this Arab is a professional? - I would prefer we "see" footsteps approaching - the number one does not appear on this page.
p2 - "...his eyes have been dead for a long time." would suggest he wouldn't "taps the armrest nervously," or...
p7 - "The Arab is getting nervous." - this is a professional? This is your point of difference, a nervous hitman?
p15 - "Ahh. christ." don't need a capital "C'?
p22 - Australians don't say "Sod off." - that's English.
p25/30 - the police badge/three teens scenario felt contrived and this device used in countless films - it doesn't hurt to be original - the premise is sound, your execution isn't.
p33 - "Blimey" - again, not Australian, it's English - where did you do your homework, Sesame Street?
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p58 - Trucker and Pa, not to mention the biker, have no problem helping an Arab during 9/11 - I don't buy it.
p60/61 - dialogue rather bland and naive.
p63 the dialogue deteriorates even further, banal exposition - I wasn't certain what to expect from you, but it was better than this offering - too much dialogue, it's one hour into the movie and I haven't experienced any build-up of tension - the characters you have presented are one dimensional, some of their actions and antics border on slapstick and resemble stupidity - you have tried, unsuccessfully, to convey a battle of wits as a form of conflict - it didn't work for me.
You try hard to move the story forward, but it isn't compelling, a story that succeeds in zig zagging all over the place - then we have to contend with your "ambulance" routine to heighten the tension, but falls flat from where I sit.
p74 - the mosque, the Iman - their conversation doesn't ring true, your writing is naive.
p88 - well, wel, anothe vehicle "veers off the road" - nice little story he tells the poor woman, now we know his motivation, he is now the "good guy" - how convenient, but let me guess, this was an attempt to elicit sympathy from the audience, right? and put us in the picture, right? the twist that would catch the audience off-guard, right? - we worked it out eons ago.
p- is there any action you haven't described in this laborious fight scene?
p97 - "G,morning"? - try G'Day.
The Arab is unconscious, then regains his powers at the critical moment, right? - you're telling the story.
I expected REEL dialogue from you, not REAL dialogue - work hard on this aspect of your writing - this is a tired storyline.
Look, this isn't bad, but ordinary - I know and can see what you attempted here, but completely devoid of "freshness" - there is a sense of same ol' same ol' - you probably have wonderful reviews with this, which would suggest an extensive difference in taste - this didn't work for me and I'm sorry I couldn't be more positive - only you know if a rewrite can salvage this offering - good luck with whichever decision you make.
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