Ben, I loved The Lonesome Crowded West and Last Week, but this does not resonate with me - it felt contrived and by the numbers - it did not come across as inspired work, but workmanlike, aiming for a perceived audience, giving the public the "same ol' fare" - I've seen it all before, and much better - there was a distinct lack of "freshness", a "vitality" that elevates a work like this above mediocrity - let me give you an example.
I have read Kevan2121 - A Gentleman's game and A Boy's Tail - it's all been done before, but somehow he has managed to elicit a "freshness", has given these stories a new lease of life - in my opinion, both you and Doc failed to achieve this requisite - this feels like a variation of Beer Pong - I can see Doc's finger prints in this writing, less so of yours, even though you appear to get the writing credit - this is my observation.
Members cite they want honesty in reviews, well that is what you will get from me - this is not a Top 10 SP, it's not good enough, a reasonable effort with a small measure of humour, but truly, not good enough and you know that - it's Top 10 because both you and Doc are popular and talented writers with considerable goodwill from fellow members - you can do better, and you both know it - I'm impressed it exceeded 99 pages, did someone count the beats wrong?
Right from the outset, the opening page and setup, it's old hat - only my opinion, and I know you recieved wonderful reviews - formatting, structure and grammar was never going to be an issue, your level of expertise has accounted for that, but the premise is worn and tired - once again, this is uninspired writing - this is written to sell, but I don't believe you will achieve that with this vehicle.
Let me give some more examples - Jeez, Ben do all your stories refer to stalker's?
Mayor of a small town brings in prohibition
Our heroes conduct a Speakeasy
The mandatory "creep" bad cop - good cop
Hot girl "home" for the holidays from school prior to moving away - shy hero has a crush
Plenty of "right age group" swearing and crude bad ass cracks audience demographic
Hero risks the "College fund"
Hero works in dad's store
Love interest's father not impressed with hero
Wyatt's parents away in Europe - house to themselves
"he's the disease...and I'm the cure"
"You sound like a fucking douche bag"
Trevis attempts to frame Wyatt, hits himself in the face with the nightstick
Wyatt loses Ryan's money in a poker game - needs to redeem himself
Father/son motivational speech
Cliff to the rescue - very neat and tidy - did I mention convenient?
City Hall Council meeting and a trial - wow, how original - half expected to see Atticus Finch walk in.
You can love me or loathe me, but I believe you guys failed to rise to the occasion and should/could do better - best of luck.
Review of: Speakeasy
reviewed by Chanel Ashley on 02/07/2009
Other Reviews by Chanel Ashley 62
A review of Rex Tanner and the Sword of Damocles (6th Draft)by Chanel Ashley on 02/10/2012My first review in quite a while, got the hard word my reviews were too mean, lol, hence the long holiday. Not an issue, here, this is a good effort, but even at six drafts you haven't quite nailed, it - I like your style, engaged from the outset and enjoyed the dialogue from page 1 - your descriptions are short and sweet, plenty of white paper - I'm a fan of economy of words,... read
A review of Preserving Memoryby Chanel Ashley on 08/13/2011This is only a free will, and my first review re a short film, so it will be short and sweet. I enjoyed the experience, it held my interest till the end - I liked in particular the camera work, some good and effective shots, and impressed with the editing - I also liked the fact there was no dialogue, this was definately a show, and not tell, and you told it well - the score... read
A review of Ground Work (early draft)by Chanel Ashley on 11/13/2009I won't mince words, I didn't enjoy the experience reviewing this work - your writing style is okay, your action lines as a rule short and sweet, but this deteriorates when describing fighting scences that go on forever. You use a considerable number of "ing" words throughout your script, when it is suggested we keep it to a minimum, but you chose to disregard that premise... read