An easy story to follow. The words the writer has chosen rolls off the mind like a new sled in winter. I could easily envision Captain Seither, as he readied himself for battle. His speech sounding true to the time.
There are a few instances where the words and speech escape the story. If not only to add a block between passages. " His head slammed off some rocks." If the writer could have taken a moment longer to find just the right words, and continue with the dialect, it would escalate the story as a whole.
Reading through, I was a bit confused with some of the details. The "How's" and Why's, if you will. Such as the passages: "because we could only die at the hands of another eternal." And later: General Curthiam says, "Before you kill me." I found myself to be a bit confused. Is it to say that Eternals can never be killed. Even by their own kind. Or one must "be killed" three times. If an Eternal can be killed, how does it come to be that Curthiam, and later Seither are still around. I would try and clarify this throughout the story.
Another cause that pulled my thoughts from the story were the small lines of location info. Such as: Deep in what is now Siberia during the winter of 626 A.D. Try and cut this down to something shorter: Pre-Siberia 626 A.D. Then, use an action to show the snow. An officer trudges through knee deep snow to reach my yurt. Also, Ireland - harvest season 1497 A.D. Quick and simple. Keep these lines the same as the rest of the text. It will help the reader flow through the story.
The ending needed something more, I feel. An extra line or two. An insight that Seither would need to fight two more times to become what he wanted. A normal man.
For the most part, the story read well. I found myself at each battle. An innocent observer. I feel that a quick edit would justify this story immensely.
Review of: Games of Immortal Men Second Edition
reviewed by jeffwinterton98 on 08/01/2009
Other Reviews by jeffwinterton98 25
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