Review of: Mr. Christian 

reviewed by rjsilva on 03/23/2011
Credited Review
One of my Favorites Credited Review
I must have started to read this a half dozen times and stopped. Only when I settled in for a good read, was I not able to put it down and it quickly became one of my favorites. It wasn't because the beginning was badly written, it isn't. I just had to be in the mood for this subject matter and that might be what hurts it the most but I think the entire SP is brilliant.

Here are a couple of minor issues I had;

P7 Adams’ dialogue pretty sure every sailor has heard of the Bounty, consider revising.

P8 Adams’ dialogue doesn’t sound natural, consider revising.

P11 second time you’ve underlined something, it’s distracting and unnecessary.

P14 McCoy’s dialogue “BUT THANKS?” doesn’t make sense.

P15 Minarii’s dialogue is really bad. I half expected they would all be sitting around singing kumbaya in the next scene. Please consider revising.

P35 Thursday October is getting on my nerves, consider revising to just October or something.

P60 should be formatted as a SERIES OF SHOTS

P108 formatting this scene as a flashback is confusing, consider revising.

If I were reading this as a professional, I would definately suggest someone take a closer look at it. Nicely done.

Good Luck,

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