Over the brink
I was delighted to receive this assignment as I had read what you could do with the screenplay form. The narrative prose also seems to suit you well, Chris… Great job! This was very much a story about longing for a love now lost.
Characters: Complexly described relationship told in a really short piece, the narrator/hero was instantly relatable which helps to pull the reader in quickly. The universal theme about passion and love, which leaves a marriage is a universal one thus making this a very accessible story.
Only lightly touched upon is the backstory about how he and his wife grew apart. It almost didn't matter what the details were and in a way, details could get in the way of the universality of the story. Apathy, routine, and/or boredom sets in when neither of them work on keeping the relationship alive. So this becomes very much a contemporary story rather than traditional story about love.
Plot/Structure: The first three pages really set up the type of relationship the narrator had with his wife. This was demonstrated both internally in terms of the narrator’s depiction of the relationship as well as how the British couple perceived them. People who have grown apart are perhaps easy to prey upon as each one of them is oriented to a desire outside of the relationship rather than toward each other.
The blank look that registered no information between he and his wife was absolutely devastating. So much unwritten which leaves open so many questions for the reader, giving this piece a somewhat open-ended conclusion.
As readers, we’ve come to care about these characters. To see them avoid intimacy with each other and worse yet grow further apart, choose to be intimate with strangers outside their marriage, and then lie to each other in some way to respect the relationship they once had or perhaps out of shame, really is a haunting way to conclude the story.
I am convinced at the end that after being faced with temptation and failing - while he chose not to continue which probably had more to do with ego/competition than love - the relationship had nowhere left to go.
Overall: Engaging, thoughtful read. Well done.
Other Reviews by **DELETED ACCOUNT**
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First of all, this sp is 112 pages not 116, clean up the invisible text in the last four pages. Apologies upfront:This review is bound to be scatterbrained so take it for what it's worth.
First impressions, I like your action language and descriptions, it's fresh, unique and entertaining to read, but in some way it may be a bit too much -- consider toning it down now and...
First of all, this sp is 112 pages not 116, clean up the invisible text in the last four pages. Apologies upfront:This review is bound to be scatterbrained so take it for what it's worth.
First impressions, I like your action language and descriptions, it's fresh, unique and entertaining to read, but in some way it may be a bit too much -- consider toning it down now and then. You have a clever, witty way, but sometimes I was pulled out of the story, and was left thinking to myself how clever the writing is. You don't want that. You want the reader fully engaged in a compelling story. -- turning the pages without feeling like they are reading. "Crap! .. A deer in the middle of the friggin road! That's my two cents.
Love the dialogue. Your voice comes through loud and clear, it's a rare brand of witty on screen dialogue that many actors would kill for. Dialogue: I wouldn't change a thing. Characters have their own points of view which is more important than the words they use. Too many writers wrongly believe that characters need to use different word choices -- that's not it. It's how they react to situations, what their outlook, background, point of view is -- that's how to distinguish one character from the other. Good job! "I want everyone wired titer than a mole's rectum. Comprende?" Loved that - I'm jealous ;) "Bang it out, girl scout."
What didn't work for me was the central story, there really isn't anything at stake, nothing primal to be lost. Yeah, I'm one of those guys, I need to be rooting for a flawed character who is striving to reach his goal, and he comes across obstacle after obstacle to try to achieve his goal. She can fail, but by page 25 I need to see the finish line. "Will this totally dysfunctional family finally resolve their issues. Will he kill the shark. Will they find the groom.
In my opinion the best way to achieve this is by posing questions and throwing obstacles in the way of the goal; Ratcheting up mayhem doesn't work. Cranking and cranking and cranking up the tension and pace leaves the reader or audience numb. Ebb and flow, give the audience a break from the action now and then. Add a sequence that is designed to to that -- slow things down for a minute or two by weaving in a sequence.
IMO there are too many: 'whips, flies, snags, roars, swings, rips, snatches ... slow it down sometimes, let the reader catch his breath.
Where was I? I think if you make the central story beginning near page 25 that their original goal (weed) which they get, then becomes about them trying desperately to get Walter the goat (who is sick) and needs medical attention from a specialized Mexican goat vet -- that could be more fun with a primal goal driving them with obstacle after obstacle in their way.
One character is taken by the goat and others a re frustrated and want to abandon the goal. That could be funny stuff with conflict.
I would cut the "struggling writer" thing from this. It's over done -- way too many struggling writer story lines. People don't want to go to a movie to find out if a struggling writer in Hollywood or NYC made it. Blah. Screams novice. Grab the reader / audience by the heartstrings and make them laugh and cry. An emotional roller coaster ride works best.
Use the goat. And a ticking clock. It will work.
Later
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The best thing about this story is the intrigue that it has. It's just two men meeting on a path in the night and having a bit of a chat, yet I had to know what the resolution of the story would be. It was simple, but the concept seemed quite unique to me. The characters were interesting and the dialogue was alright - realistic but not brilliant. Although the concluding few...
The best thing about this story is the intrigue that it has. It's just two men meeting on a path in the night and having a bit of a chat, yet I had to know what the resolution of the story would be. It was simple, but the concept seemed quite unique to me. The characters were interesting and the dialogue was alright - realistic but not brilliant. Although the concluding few paragraphs clearly lay out the differences between the two characters, I think the story would have been better if they were more different in general, so there could be a bit more disagreement and confrontation between them.
The language used was fairly good, although definitely below professional standard. There were quite a few sentences that were intended to be poetic and though-provoking but they just ended up seeming forced, although I always understood what the author was getting at. There were a few places where I think there should have been commas but there were no other glaring grammatical issues.
The story was trying to convey a few philosophical ideas, and I don't think that I fully received them. Perhaps this is because I only read the story once over, fairly quickly. I may not have absorbed everything that was there. But still, I think the main way that I think this particular short story could be improved would be by clarifying the questions that the author wants to pose to the reader through the actions of the story. If the philosophical allusions were not quite so vague, then I would have thought this story to be of A-grade quality.
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I found you script to be fantastic. I couldn't believe how flowing and satisfying your action scenes were. I fail at them all the time so to see yours was wonderful.
All of your characters are great. But I did have some reservations with the protagonist and others. I felt that in the first 10 pages, I wasn't connecting with the character. Maybe rework the scenes so I feel...
I found you script to be fantastic. I couldn't believe how flowing and satisfying your action scenes were. I fail at them all the time so to see yours was wonderful.
All of your characters are great. But I did have some reservations with the protagonist and others. I felt that in the first 10 pages, I wasn't connecting with the character. Maybe rework the scenes so I feel more and have sympathy.
I thought your script had perfect structure and the paragraph lengths were all short and neat.
If there is any way you can add more conflict and buildup to the end, it would be a better finale, but beyond that, keep at it. You're a great writer.
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