The notes say that this is about the "beauty of love" and the feelings of the youger woman, but it takes a long time, in my opinion, to get those points across. I was well into the narrative and had no idea of what was going on or whose perspective was being used. I hope the following notes are helpful.
"It starts out like this." The reader can see how it starts.
"...obiterating all inits path..." All what? Is that crescendo the sound of the wave, or the wave itself, increasing to tsunomi proportions?
"...that allows life to continue on." If life continues, it goes on. On is redundant.
This first paragraph is poetic, but it does not make a lot of sense. If you read the words without looking for meaning they sound pretty, but words have to do more than that.
I don't believe she's (whoever she is) is thinking all that "as she lies in ecstacy."
"She's not just a friend. Her eyes are not malicious." What does this mean?
Probably be hard to find compassion in those "firy, fierce, proud eyes."
I cannot see "linoleum" in this setting.
It took a long, meandering route but finally: it's a lover's tryst, Eve tutoring Saharra, the girl who is now a woman.
"Eve stirs, turning from her back..." New paragraph.
...words that have been spoken since the beginning of time itself." Itself is out of place here, doesn't fit, and, anyway, it's redundant. Time is time.
This was hard to review without sounding somewhat harsh. Please realize it's coming from someone who, at my age, is still learning.
I learned from you.
Review of: Snapshot of Beauty
reviewed by mnjones on 08/12/2010
Other Reviews by mnjones 381
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