Pete Harrison Review
I enjoyed the world and the characters you’ve created here. You’ve crafted a comedic screenplay with a very playful tone and several funny moments. I think with a few adjustments this could be even better.
Throughout much of the second act, I felt Pete was being more reactive than proactive. He wasn’t driving the story so much as going along for the ride. I found that disappointing, especially since he was such a driving force in act one. Yes, he has a tangible goal of wanting to reclaim his sitcom career. But, other than the reality show, he doesn’t have anything going on. This is why so many films feature a love interest. I thought that might be where you were going with the ex-wife, but obviously you chose to go in a different direction. I was initially confused by the Sara storyline, because we are led to believe that this is his ex-wife, though this Sara is apparently a stalker who just so happens to have the same name. I felt like we’ve seen that crazy stalker character too many times in other shows/movies (like last year’s stinker “Dinner for Schmucks”), so I would have liked to have seen you avoid that in this script. Aside from the one dinner scene, there really is very little purpose for her character.
The problem of Pete not being a very active character is compounded by Ricky also not being very active. Like Pete, we know that he is trying to reclaim his sitcom glory. But we don’t know much else about him. And he has very little to do, other than serve as Pete’s sidekick. Even when he’s suckered into Mitch’s scheme, it doesn’t result in much conflict between him and Pete. In act one, while they don’t have a plan, they are doing something. They kidnap Mitch because they think it’ll help them get their careers back on track. In act two, they’re just sort of riding out the reality show and hoping it’ll land them a sitcom. They’re not actively pursuing anything or anyone (which, again, is where I think a love interest could help).
There needs to be more conflict. Knock these characters down further before you allow them to pick themselves (and each other) back up. Maybe Pete and Ricky have a falling out. Maybe they blame each other for being where they’re at. Maybe cut back on Gene’s presence, so that there’s more direct interactions between Pete and Mitch. That could create more conflict, because each has their ideas about how to handle this show, as well as conflicting motives. And, finally, rather than having Jerry and Georgia come to Pete with their plan for how to turn things around, make it Pete’s idea. Force him to save himself.
I have one last story note, which I would like to preface by saying I’m about the furthest thing you can get from the PC police. But I felt the gay jokes were a bit too much. I’m not suggesting you cut that bit, but maybe pull it back a little. You don’t need Mitch saying “That sounds fucking gay.” He’s supposed to be an unsympathetic character, but the line’s not necessary. The audience gets the joke without it. There’s an episode of Seinfeld where a reporter thinks George and Jerry are gay. But I don’t recall them using the word gay all that much during the episode, which is partly what made it so funny. Everyone understands what’s going on without it having to be explained. The situation you set up and the subsequent reactions by characters in the later scenes would work better without calling attention to the joke.
I know it may seem like I didn’t enjoy the story, based on all of my notes. But I truly did enjoy it. It was an easy read, and you obviously have a good understanding of form and structure. Many of the jokes worked, which is always good for a comedy. And I liked that you sort of teased this as a standard kidnapping story, but chose to take it in another direction. You have a fun script here, which I think could be even better with a little more work. Good luck with it!
Some minor notes:
P.1 – “death nail” = death knell, “queue” = cue
The second scene feels longer than it needs to be. It would be funnier to cut from that meeting straight to a more definitive image that conveys the show’s been canceled. For example, cut directly from “You’re not canceled” to the set being demolished while Pete watches. It tells the audience everything they need to know visually, without the need for dialogue.
P. 15 – SADTURDS = funny!
P. 16 – Just to add another brief joke, what if Alex reads that dyslexia affects “28% of thespians” before correcting himself and saying 82%? It could be a small, but effective joke.
P. 20 – Ricky farting with every step while running = funny!
P. 28 – 30 – Should be formatted as a montage?
P. 72 – “ringing his hands” = wringing
P. 73 – “flies opens” = flies open
P. 85 – Audiences don’t like when you kill dogs. Maybe add a brief scene later where we see the dog pulling itself back up over the cliff.
P. 89 – “were done” = we’re done
Other Reviews by mijorico
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This script boasts an attractive premise, as well as a universal theme which the targeted demographic would certainly find relatable. The problem is, like our main character, this draft suffers from a bit of an identity crisis.
We are introduced to Rhonda as a brave young girl just beginning to realize who she really is, but who is subsequently ostracized for it. When...
This script boasts an attractive premise, as well as a universal theme which the targeted demographic would certainly find relatable. The problem is, like our main character, this draft suffers from a bit of an identity crisis.
We are introduced to Rhonda as a brave young girl just beginning to realize who she really is, but who is subsequently ostracized for it. When we catch up with her 8 years later, she is now a brooding and bitter 16-year-old, so scarred by that earlier rejection that she is now afraid to put herself out there for fear of getting hurt. This is a solid theme to build the framework of the story around, and infinitely relatable to teenagers trying to come into their own and accept themselves for who and what they are. But as the story progresses, it also drifts away from that theme. The plot becomes so convoluted with peripheral, and often cartoonish, characters that Rhonda’s true internal struggle gets lost in the shuffle. It becomes more about her attempt to rescue her grandmother than her journey of self discovery.
This story contains all the right elements. In this reader’s opinion, it simply takes a turn down the wrong road. Much too much time is devoted to the criminal subplot, with little to no attention remaining on Rhonda’s struggle for acceptance from her peers. In the beginning, she puts herself and her secret out there and is rejected because of it. In the end, she is accepted and celebrated for being different. Yet, in the middle, the high school interactions are largely non-existent. I believe this story would benefit from being more grounded in the world of high school than the criminal world. Think of similar stories, such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the movie) and Teen Wolf.
The gangsters in this story are motivated more by plot than by any sense of logic – we never really learn why they’re doing what they’re doing, aside from the fact that they want to be more powerful . It has to be something more concrete than that. There has to be a more tangible goal. As it’s written, the goal is to simply obtain this power from Rhonda and her grandmother. We need to know more about the why.
As the story drifts into the criminal world and Rhonda’s pursuit of grandma, it also suffers from one convenience after another. After they find Lenny’s dead body in grandma’s pantry, Grant convinces Rhonda not to go to the police (without a convincing argument). Instead, he brings her to the lair of his comic book store-owning cousin, who also just so happens to be an expert in Kung Fu and some sort of scientific genius. Here, Rhonda learns how to fight over the course of one day (why a wolf needs to learn Kung Fu is beyond me) and transforms herself into a superhero in order to find her granny (which also doesn’t make much sense). For a period in the script, it seems as if we are alternating between one interrogation scene after another, with both the bad guys questioning grandma and Rhonda questioning the bad guys. How she can be so certain any of these random thugs have any ties to whoever took her grandmother is never explained.
I would suggest that the writer delay grandma’s disappearance until closer to the end of the story. That way, we get to see more interaction between grandma (the seasoned and wise elder wolf) and Rhonda (the teenager struggling to accept herself) and we also eliminate a lot of the extraneous underworld excursions, which don’t help to service the story or express the theme. I also would have liked to have seen Caroline, the friend Rhonda saves in the beginning, as a teenager. It seems like a missed opportunity that she’s just forgotten about while these other girls have become the bullying cheerleaders. I could see her trying to be Rhonda’s friend and Rhonda rejecting her, much like she does Grant.
This reader may be making assumptions of the intended audience – and if I’m wrong about that, I apologize. The age of the main characters, as well as the absence of objectionable language (not to mention the werewolf premise) are what lead me to believe that teenagers are the target demographic. However, the sometimes graphic violence (gunshots to the head, blood pooling under doors, throats being ripped out, etc.) pushes this into more R-rated territory. I think you have to choose one or the other. Either it’s a PG-13 story where the violence isn’t quite so graphic, or it’s an R-rated story where you have to push everything a bit further to justify it. Since I’ve cited Buffy and Teen Wolf, my opinion is that you tread more toward the PG-13.
Another area where the script could be improved is punctuation, or sometimes the lack thereof. It’s a fairly easy fix, but that sort of thing can strike readers as careless. Particularly watch out for missing commas within dialogue (too many to count) and periods where there should be question marks.
But that can all be taken care of in editing. Right now, I’d recommend concentrating on sticking to your theme throughout and mining the hierarchy of high school for more of your story. I do believe you have something here. Sometimes it’s just a matter of getting to the heart of it all. Good luck with it!
*If you would like, I made notes to your script on my PDF as I read along, which I’d be happy to send to you upon request.
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First, I’d like to thank you for your review of The Long Road Home. I appreciate the gesture.
As for this piece, you asked for my honest opinion, so here it is. I think this story needs quite a bit of work. First, let’s start with the title. Evergreen is the name of the nursery where David is briefly employed in the first act. Beyond that, the title has no obvious...
First, I’d like to thank you for your review of The Long Road Home. I appreciate the gesture.
As for this piece, you asked for my honest opinion, so here it is. I think this story needs quite a bit of work. First, let’s start with the title. Evergreen is the name of the nursery where David is briefly employed in the first act. Beyond that, the title has no obvious significance. His time spent at this job has very little bearing on the story and in no way figures into any of the major developments. Unless there is some subtextual significance, I don’t know why you chose that title.
Now, onto the story itself. In the beginning, this seems to be a story about a guy dealing with the tragic death of one of his best friends, an event that occurs on page three. Let me take a moment here to address that event itself. The way that scene is written, the fact that Arthur gets hit by the car almost gets lost in the shuffle. There’s no rising action there, no tension created leading up to him being hit by the car. I think you need to rewrite that in a way in which that stands out more to the reader, because it is presumably such an important moment. I say presumably, because throughout act one it seems as if David is haunted by that event. Yet, once he begins working at this real estate agency, his past and the death of his friend seem to have very little, if any, relevance to the story. As such, your story seems to suffer from an identity crisis. What is it about?
Well, it ends up being about David working at this real estate agency and trying to procure his first deal. Although there is very little motivation for David to pursue this path. He only does so because it is suggested to him and he seemingly has no other ideas. It doesn’t seem like something he necessarily wants. Which begs the question, what is it that David wants in this story? We aren’t given much of a clue in act one, and it isn’t until act two when he suddenly decides he wants to become a real estate agent. What does he want in the beginning? What does he have to overcome by the end in order to get it?
His pursuit of this sale, I’m sorry to say, ends up being quite a chore to read. There is a seemingly endless back and forth between his boss and co-workers telling him he needs to close this deal and the sellers waffling over their position on selling the property. You end up hitting upon many of the same beats, and the story ultimately becomes repetitive as a result. To make matters worse, it was unclear to this reader why this particular deal was so important. The story was often times hard to follow in act two. One reason for this, I believe, is that there are too many characters introduced throughout the story. There are co-workers from his job at Evergreen, classmates at the realty school he briefly attends, his college buddies in the beginning, his co-workers at the real estate office, etc. It becomes impossible to differentiate between anyone. It also doesn’t help that when you introduce characters, you almost never include a description. What they look like isn’t always as important as their essence. Without providing us with something that helps us paint a picture in our mind, all the characters end up blending together.
I was also dismayed by the glut of phone conversations throughout the story. Every time we’re in that realty office, we’re witnessing one phone conversation after another, most of which have no bearing on the story. We never get to see the other side of those conversations, so what’s the point? Ultimately, your second act left me curious, and not in a good way. I couldn’t become invested in the story because I didn’t know what was going on or what the protagonist’s goal was.
My confusion was only exasperated in act three, when the story starts to go in a really weird direction. All of a sudden, David’s treating Rick’s daughter like a dog and, assumedly, pulling a fast one over Rick. Though I’m not quite sure what he does, other than threaten to use some pictures as leverage and say he’s leaving to open his own office. There’s no real sense of satisfaction, as if David has overcome something. As I mentioned before, that is partly because we’re never quite sure what it is he needs to overcome. We don’t know what that flaw is that’s holding him back.
As for the other areas of the script. I thought your formatting could use some work. There are several instances where new slug lines are needed, such as when characters move from the exterior of a building to the interior, and vice versa. This could also use another sweep for typos (some of which would be caught with a simple spellcheck) and improper grammar, as wells as spacing, capitalization, and punctuation issues. Speaking of capitalization, you aren’t consistent when introducing characters. The character’s complete name should be capitalized upon first appearance, not just the first name. Your descriptions also often left much to be desired. In most scenes, you don’t give the characters much to do, other than talk. Film is a visual medium and, as such, your story needs to be much more visual. Also, and this may just be a pet peeve of mine, but I consider it to be lazy writing to describe a building as typical or nondescript. As the writer, our job is to paint the picture. What’s typical to me may not be typical to you. And nothing is ever nondescript. Is the building a house? An apartment building? A warehouse? A skyscraper? That is a description. The dialogue is also another area of concern. Much of it is too on-the-nose, meaning your characters are saying exactly what they’re thinking. That’s not how people usually talk. Their actions often contradict their words, and people often beat around the bush and speak in code. They don’t often get straight to the point, and certainly not all the time.
In summary, my opinion, take it for what you will, is that this screenplay is in need of a substantial rewrite. Currently, it lacks focus and clarity and is littered with insignificant characters that detract from the protagonist’s goal, which is also unclear at this juncture. If you have any further questions or would like me to email you a pdf containing the notes I made to your script while I was reading, send me an email.
Best of luck as you continue to develop this story.
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This story features a clever premise that offers a different perspective on the buddy cop genre. Your opening is strong and clever, and successfully establishes the world of this story. I enjoyed the idea of seeing this very typical, over-the-top interrogation scene, only to reveal that these guys aren’t really cops. I think you could have pushed that even further, maybe...
This story features a clever premise that offers a different perspective on the buddy cop genre. Your opening is strong and clever, and successfully establishes the world of this story. I enjoyed the idea of seeing this very typical, over-the-top interrogation scene, only to reveal that these guys aren’t really cops. I think you could have pushed that even further, maybe had them get a little rougher with poor Joel. While I liked the idea behind this story, I don’t think the execution of it is quite there yet.
I think it might be more effective if you use act one to set up your story, as opposed to diving into it right away on page ten. We’re given very little time to get to know these characters, their backstories, and their motivations. As a result, I didn’t always buy into what they were doing or why they were doing it. We need to see more before we understand why these guys want to go crooked and, more importantly, why we should root for them when they do. I think you can afford to push back many of these events into act two, while using act one to establish Sean and James’s relationship, both with each other and with their father.
Speaking of relationships, I didn’t feel that you truly explored the brother’s relationships with Bullock and Alex, which made the resolution of your story feel a bit forced. At one point, it almost seemed like you were laying the groundwork for a James and Alex coupling. We’re only given a hint of those relationships, enough so that it doesn’t come as a complete surprise that they end up together in the end, but not enough for it to feel completely organic to the story. I’d like to see more of a natural progression there.
I also thought that your story sometimes suffered from implausibility and conveniences. Why are Sean and James assigned to a junior officer when they’re not officers themselves? If Bullock is undercover, why would her son be riding along with the sons of the suspect who’s under investigation? Why would the captain be meeting with known criminals at his mansion? James goes along with Sean’s idea way too easily, and the resulting complications don’t cause enough friction between them. You establish James as the one who wants more out of life, the one with a plan. So it’s logical to assume he’d be more level-headed and more apprehensive during this whole situation. Also, they never really discuss what they’re going to do with the money, or how they’re going to handle Joel’s involvement.
I know the drop man had just killed Alex’s father, but having her shoot the guy in the face seemed a bit extreme. I think it might work better if you pushed that scenario further, to where she’s petrified and doesn’t want to shoot him, but has to in order to protect herself and the others. That’s in there to a point, but there’s just something about shooting a guy in the face that seems cold blooded. And it seems to be a pretty sudden shift in tone to your comedy. Maybe find a more comedic way for it to go down, maybe even make it an accident. Also, it took me a while to realize how Ricks died at that house. I don’t recall you mentioning that he was the drop man at the time. If that’s the case, why not? It could cause some great conflict to have them standing over the body of someone Sean and James (and even Joel) know is a cop. It creates an opportunity for them to freak out.
The last note I have for you is in regards to the dialogue. At times, it was funny. But, for the most part, many of the characters sounded the same to me. Nobody really had a unique voice. You try to pull off this sort of awkward, rambling humor, which can often work on screen but is difficult to execute on the page. I felt that sort of humor might work better if you relegated it to one character, most likely Joel. If you have too many characters speaking like that, it ends up coming across like you’re laboring to get to the joke.
I think you have a clever idea here, which could be very fun to see up on screen. If you can address these areas and push the premise further, creating more scenarios where your “not cops” are forced to behave like cops (and probably do so poorly), I think you will have a much stronger piece here. Good luck with it!
Random notes:
P.1 – Not sure if I’d lump the character ages into the same parenthesis.
P.8 – “Motherfuckers.” “Also incest, but different.” = Funny
I was really hoping there’d be a chase sequence where they try to lose Joel on his mountain bike.
P.31 – Typo “I feel asleep”
P.57 – Typo “James and Sean and rifling”
P.86 – Typo “a a few news vans”
P.97 – Footage appears on what? On a monitor? On our screen?
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