Other Reviews by joxyjoxyjoxy 68

• 
  y2krazy
  A review of Y2KRAZY
  by joxyjoxyjoxy on 10/06/2011
  Right out the gate, 137 pages is way, way, way, too long, especially for a comedy. I seriously considered dropping the assignment when I saw that but figured too many others would, too, and you wouldn't get any reviews. 95 pgs MAX for a comedy. I've notice a consistent lack of clarity in the narrative making it difficult for the reader to ascertain what's happening. For... Right out the gate, 137 pages is way, way, way, too long, especially for a comedy. I seriously considered dropping the assignment when I saw that but figured too many others would, too, and you wouldn't get any reviews. 95 pgs MAX for a comedy.
  
  I've notice a consistent lack of clarity in the narrative making it difficult for the reader to ascertain what's happening. For ex:
  
  Suddenly, the car swerves towards the two, they stumble and
  fall. A leg snaps off the dresser.
  
  In this sequence, I wasn't sure if the car hit them, just missed them or what. They stumble trying to get out of the way? And does the leg snap off the dresser because they dropped it? Does the car hit it?
  
  Finally, the little black car stops. It smashes into a BIKE
  RACK. The sound echoes across the street. It catches the
  attention of DICK TIMPY, 40’s, every lawyer you have ever
  hated.
  Dick speaks to his secretary in his vulture like manner.
  DICK TIMPY
  That's a client waiting to happen.
  Where's that idiot trainer with my
  riding cycle?
  
  Here, it's not clear where Dick is. You have EXT. in the scene heading but he's talking to his secretary, who isn't mentioned again in the scene. Is he standing on the sidewalk? And if there is no secretary, is he possibly talking on his phone???
  
  speed is causing her front tire to wobble.
  The two cyclists rapidly approach a parked 18-wheeler.
  The moving truck is currently in the process of being
  hijacked.
  In the 18-wheelers cab, there are two men hog-tied in their
  boxers.
  Behind, in the semi's trailer, are the Italians. The awkward
  assailants happened to be stuck inside and are trying to ram
  the heavy doors back open.
  Wilson approaches the semi and veers left. The lawyer goes
  right.
  Side by side, they gather steady speed down the hill.
  The two Italians are beating on the semi’s double-hinged
  doors.
  
  This whole sequence is really confusing. You can't just write 'In the 18-wheelers cab, there are two men hog-tied in their
  boxers. Behind, in the semi's trailer, are the Italians. The awkward
  assailants happened to be stuck inside and are trying to ram
  the heavy doors back open.' without creating a new scene heading such as INT. SEMI-TRAILER – CONTINUOUS. Also this is poorly written from a sequential standpoint. You have way, way too much happening with the Italians in the very brief amount of time it takes the bikers to pass them.
  
  
  FRITZ
  (ashamed)
  Oh, same old crap, just doing the
  fucking mail. Dealing with nothing
  but impatient fuckers. Don't worry
  you little asshole, you're going to
  get your fucking Grandma’s
  Christmas present. It's that and
  the piece of shit dogs. If I had a
  dollar for every time I stepped in
  a pile of dog shit, I'd be Richie
  fucking Rich!
  
  This is just one of many dialogue blocks that are way too thick. What is all that about Grandma's Christmas present? All you have to do is flip through the pages of a produced script and you will find very, very few dialogue blocks like this one.
  
  P. 15 and there is absolutely nothing happening to move this story forward. So far all we have seen is a series of (thus far) unrelated events, none of which have added any dramatic action to the script. Your first ten pages are the most important. Something's gotta happen in them.
  
  This scene was really funny:
  
  Change hangs up.
  The next thing Change feels is a powerful force that grabs
  him by his head. It’s LUTHER, with a cell in one hand, and
  Change's face in another.
  
  Whoa, dude, seriously, ass-licking? Really? I know there's some unwritten rule about having a mandatory over-the-top gay scene in every comedy now, but there is nothing funny about a guy licking another guy's ass. Nothing.
  
  EARTH
  Nice meeting you all, man! We ran
  out of gas, about a mile back.
  Where were you guys headed?
  SAPHIRE
  To the Phish concert..
  ROACH, 20’s, not the kind you smoke, more like the kind you
  spray with Raid.
  ROACH
  Yeah, and they're finally doing a
  free gig.
  ZEN
  Yes, then we'll start our homage to
  hear our inner voice.
  SAPHIRE
  In the sounds of the waves crashing
  on shore.
  ROACH
  (To Earth)
  What you got in the bag?
  EARTH
  Oh, just some munchies and stuff.
  Hey, you guys want a pork rind.
  ROACH
  Sure dude!
  Roach carelessly grabs a large handful, spilling some.
  SAPHIRE
  Fantasy Meadow is Vegan and
  Vegetarian.
  ZEN
  Also, she remains in trance right
  now.
  SAPHIRE
  We were just about to start ritual.
  ZEN
  Would you two like to harmonize?
  EARTH
  Yeah, right on man.
  ZEN
  And now the incense…. Companion
  Saphire...
  64
  
  I printed out this entire page of dialogue to illustrate just one of many pages that does zero for the story; what I mean is, none of it introduces any dramatic action to the story; it doesn't move it forward, it doesn't put any unanswered questions into people's minds, nor does it reveal anything. Every block of dialogue, every word is precious. You're really asking a lot of your reader. It's hard enough for some shmuck like me on TS to get through it. No way a professional reader or producer would at this length.
  
  There are some comedic moments in this script and I applaud your varied choice of characters but there there is way too little story told with way too many words here. This is, however, something I say about 95% of scripts on TS. Sorry to be so negative, just being honest. Hope some of it helps. read
• 
  A Tru Fairy Tale
  A review of A Tru Fairytale
  by joxyjoxyjoxy on 10/05/2011
  There's not much missing from this script. One of the best I've read on TS. Many truly funny moments. Here are my thoughts. Hope some of them help. Screaming sequence where Tru meets Oscar: hilarious. A little Austin Powers but well executed, but I think it best to end it with Oscar staring at his nail. The second scene is stretching out the comedic value too far, unless... There's not much missing from this script. One of the best I've read on TS. Many truly funny moments. Here are my thoughts. Hope some of them help.
  
  Screaming sequence where Tru meets Oscar: hilarious. A little Austin Powers but well executed, but I think it best to end it with Oscar staring at his nail. The second scene is stretching out the comedic value too far, unless you add another comedic element to it such as a time lapse where the sun moves through the sky as she screams until its late afternoon before she stops. Maybe Oscar is sleeping when her voice gives out and she has to kick him to wake him up. And her voice is so wrenched she has to say 'Please don't eat me three times before he understands. Maybe she has to 'mime' it out like charades. Just spitballin.
  
  NARRATOR
  In fact - Daphne was only trying to scare
  Tru. The witches had gone over to a
  strict vegetarian diet in their early
  twenties after prognosticating their own
  early deaths from Cardio Pulmonary
  Disease.
  
  This is hilarious.
  
  Ditto with the negotiation over the peas, five vs. three.
  In fact, love the witches. They're cracking me up. Don't get why Tru screams PLEASE DON'T EAT ME! Could be a python-esque reaction perhaps?
  
  A twenty mattress princess? Holy crap, that's funny. If that's your own concept, congrats. That's freakin clever. You got me to laugh out loud when her face was getting crushed. Nice finish on the joke with the wedding scene.
  
  Love the homage to Daffy Duck:
  
  CECIL
  (SHOUTING)
  HA-HA! GUARD! TURN! PARRY! DODGE! SPIN!
  HA! THRUST!
  
  Humanitas. Good word.
  
  CECIL
  She’s not my...
  (Bob not listening continues
  his list)
  She’s not my-
  
  kind of a trivial thing but if Bob is still talking here what he's saying must be in a dialogue box.
  
  
  NARRATOR
  “What if she rejected him?” He wondered.
  What if he confessed his feelings to Tru
  and she laughed in his face - How would
  that failure, make him feel? And in
  front of his proud brother? “No,” he
  thought. “I can’t let Bob see me fail.”
  
  One of the few issues I found was the author's tendency to hit things right on the nose (see above). Ditto for the rest of the NARRATOR'S dialogue over this scene. It's just giving the play by play when there are other ways to allow the audience to infer what Cecil's doing and why. There were several instances of this throughout, mostly by the narrator.
  
  By the way, great twist allowing Tru to hear what he's saying to his brother.
  
  NARRATOR
  Cecil did not - and neither do we -
  because it’s way too sad and
  heartbreaking and really doesn’t pertain
  to our main story.
  
  Another critical comment, and I alluded to this before, there are a few moments like this that I felt were overextended. Better here to just end after 'neither do we.'
  
  
  P72: Tru screams at the troll. Maybe play off the scene where she meets Oscar and have her scream repeatedly again? Just a thought.
  
  
  BRIDGE TROLL
  G-O-O-O-L-L-D-D!!!
  
  small technical matter: when you hyphen between caps like this it means the character is spelling out the word.
  
  NOTE: The harp CANNOT actually sing or play itself - that’s a
  lie made up by Jack. This is all just a poor CARNIVAL TRICK
  he uses to sell his story and entertain his patrons. A side
  stage shot reveals an UGLY MAN behind a curtain playing
  another LARGER HARP. JACK’S MOM stands next to the Ugly Man
  and SINGS into a MEGAPHONE. So to the audience the Harp
  appears to be playing and singing on its own.
  
  Don't write this in a NOTE. Just make it part of the regular narrative.
  
  My last critical observation is that a lot of the characters sound alike with the exception of Jack (accent) and Bob Charming (bullshit). I struggle with this, too. Don't have much advice for you here on how to overcome this.
  
  Good luck with the script. Hope some of my comments were helpful.
  read
• 
  Team Building
  A review of Team Building
  by joxyjoxyjoxy on 10/03/2011
  I liked the concept behind this script, but I found it a little thin in a few areas. My first observation is one I make with nearly every script I read on TS and that is there just isn't enough story here. We need more plot twists (maybe one of them is in cahoots with Jimmy) there's no inciting incident and we need more dramatic action and less of them arguing with each...
  I liked the concept behind this script, but I found it a little thin in a few areas.
  
  My first observation is one I make with nearly every script I read on TS and that is there just isn't enough story here. We need more plot twists (maybe one of them is in cahoots with Jimmy) there's no inciting incident and we need more dramatic action and less of them arguing with each other. Tyson's snakebite is the only real crisis they face until it all comes unglued.
  
  Definintely need more backstory on Ouichange, what it is, how it's going to change the world. What are these WE's, and what and how do they do what they do? Take a look at the movie EAGLE EYE. They do a thorough job of explaining the mechanics of their futuristic system by weaving into the plot.
  
  The third act is way too dialog heavy. It's almost 3 solid pages of Alex and big dialog blocks. Which brings me to another issue common to TS scripts: dialog needs to be crisper throughout, and you never need to make a point more than once. When Jimmy leg-sweeped Kruesen, he kind of went on and on about his rules and such when a simple smile and 'let's move along, shall we?' would have said so much more.
  
  When I use the word thin, I guess i'm trying to express an overall lack of context within which to interpret elements of the story. I know nothing about the character's themselves, even Alex, the protagonist.
  
  We know or find out virtually nothing about Jimmy other than he works for people that don't like Ouichange. But because we don't know what Ouichange is it's hard for me to extrapolate who might be trying to kill them.
  
  A minor formatting issue: you don't need to start each sentence in your action narrative on a new line.
  
  2 examples of no-no's in screenwriting.
  
  Muddy Waters’ “Hoochie Koochie Man” plays soundtrack to
  Jimmy’s journey back to the coffee shop. It is the rhythm in
  his head, the blues in his soul, the thrust in his groin and
  the rod in his backbone
  
  Jimmy walks across the lobby, every step an assertion of his
  right to be in the world.
  
  First, you can only write what you see and what you hear. 'the blues in his soul', 'an assertion of his right to be in this world' are ethereal things.
  
  Using specific songs or even artists in spec scripts is also frowned upon, mostly for legal and directorial discretion reasons.
  
  
  Good luck with the script. Hope my comments were helpful. Not meant to be harmful. read