It took a little while to get into your story. The first sentence wasn't promising. I would have liked the story to start with the actual dialogue. It immediately puts the reader into the scene with Tessie and Elaine.
Moving into the story, it takes a while to become engaged with the story. The first scene between Arnold and Tessie doesn't feel very natural. While it's not completely unreasonable for a married couple to still be using condoms after three years, it's not likely. There'd be another form of birth control.
So goes the same with Arnold's meeting Elyce. It feels stilted, awkward. Her first paragraph of monologue should be lengthened and separated over paragraphs. Make her talk over her awkwardness.
Once the story starts to pick up steam it smoothes out. Hutch is pretty one-note, and I'd like to read more about Dick and Elaine, but Tess becomes far more interesting. Her journey of lust into anger is pretty engaging. Arnold and Elyce falling for each other is a good read, but I think Elyce's guilt might be a little extreme. That's an author's choice though, and I won't argue it.
I also think that Arnold and Elyce are built just a bit too nice. Tess has character flaws abounding, must Arnold be such a white knight throughout the story? The Arnold/Elyce attraction theme has plenty of meoments that can be enriched by detail, but the story rarely lingers on them. For instance, the lunch at the diner, I was hoping there'd be a really detailed description of Elyce's smile, and why it floored Arnold.
The ending, with its turns, is pretty fun. I kept trying to guess up til the end how it would go down, and in the end it was satisfying.
A good work, I look forward to future drafts.
Review of: Lust, Love and Horseshoes
reviewed by krtshadow on 12/17/2009
Other Reviews by krtshadow 123
A review of The Lamentby krtshadow on 05/23/2011My assumption is that the author intends the piece to be relatively meandering, and not to wrap up neatly. However, I find myself wondering what the overall point of the piece is. We meet Nathan at the 'end' of his journey, and we are taken back to the beginning, so to speak. What the author does (I think) is try to conjure some sympathy for poor, exiled Nathan. I found... read
A review of The Lucky Necklaceby krtshadow on 12/13/2009It's been a while, bear with me. First, I'm going to go into the substance of the story. The second part will be about writing and construction. 'The Lucky Necklace' as an idea is...pretty good. For young adult fiction it basically works, but lacks the punch and detail to really drive the lesson home. The first part of the story shows Rebecca's life as one being constantly... read
A review of Open With No Waitingby krtshadow on 04/15/2009Open With No Waiting, great story. From opening to end I was both intrigued with where the story was going and enjoying the process. This was a piece where the journey was definitely the point, the destination just another detail. The best points of the story were wondering what next Ruby would come up with, combining the customers' demographic with the items to come up... read