It took a little while to get into your story. The first sentence wasn't promising. I would have liked the story to start with the actual dialogue. It immediately puts the reader into the scene with Tessie and Elaine.
Moving into the story, it takes a while to become engaged with the story. The first scene between Arnold and Tessie doesn't feel very natural. While it's not completely unreasonable for a married couple to still be using condoms after three years, it's not likely. There'd be another form of birth control.
So goes the same with Arnold's meeting Elyce. It feels stilted, awkward. Her first paragraph of monologue should be lengthened and separated over paragraphs. Make her talk over her awkwardness.
Once the story starts to pick up steam it smoothes out. Hutch is pretty one-note, and I'd like to read more about Dick and Elaine, but Tess becomes far more interesting. Her journey of lust into anger is pretty engaging. Arnold and Elyce falling for each other is a good read, but I think Elyce's guilt might be a little extreme. That's an author's choice though, and I won't argue it.
I also think that Arnold and Elyce are built just a bit too nice. Tess has character flaws abounding, must Arnold be such a white knight throughout the story? The Arnold/Elyce attraction theme has plenty of meoments that can be enriched by detail, but the story rarely lingers on them. For instance, the lunch at the diner, I was hoping there'd be a really detailed description of Elyce's smile, and why it floored Arnold.
The ending, with its turns, is pretty fun. I kept trying to guess up til the end how it would go down, and in the end it was satisfying.
A good work, I look forward to future drafts.
Review of: Lust, Love and Horseshoes
reviewed by krtshadow on 12/17/2009
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