I don't quite follow what you're trying to do with this script. I can see that you're interested in music and folklore. But I fail to see a coherent narrative or theme throughout your screenplay.
That said, your script is very well edited, excluding some formatting issues listed below. It's very rare that I come across a script with zero spelling errors. (Or, at least, spelling errors so minor that I read over them.) I can tell that you put a lot of effort into the presentation of this script, which a reader always appreciates. You also have a strong sense of economical wording. Nothing is overwrought and there are very few unnecessary descriptions.
My immediate concern is that you don't handle your set-up effectively. By page 12 I have absolutely -no- idea who Tristan is. He came to Port Wikkalyn to chase after Vendela, but you never justify his attraction to her. Other than that she's hot, why is Tristan even interested in her? You have to convince the audience why Tristan would risk his life to pursue Vendela. Right now, you don't.
Also, Tristan's line of dialogue at the top of page 13 is a bit nonsensical. Things that would get him locked up if he saw them without the evidence? Evidence of what? Why would they get him locked up? Do you mean locked up in prison, or in a mental institution? I think you mean the latter, but both the line and Tristan's character are so vague right now that the audience cannot assume anything.
Formatting wise, it is industry standard to place your (wryly)s on a separate line below the character name, and not in the dialogue line.
When you have dialogue going across a page break, you need to reinsert the character's name at the top of the subsequent page. Also, it is industry practice to write (MORE) at the bottom of the page that the dialogue is crossing over.
The ending of Act One, the scene in which Tristan accidentally sheaths his sword into a sea monster is more comical than I think you're going for... I don't think it matches the tone that you're trying to communicate in the script.
Unless it's absolutely imperative to the scene, I would discourage you from using anything other than "DAY" and "NIGHT" in your sluglines. Think about it from a pragmatic point of view; when filming, can a director fit all of the scene into that specific time, and more importantly, is he only going to want one take?
Only now on page 32 do you reveal that Tristan is some sort of paranormal investigator/photographer. Up until this point, other than the vague line of dialog I mentioned earlier, you haven't established that. Like I said, this is a problem with your set up (i.e., pages 1-10). In your set up, you are supposed to clearly identify your protagonist and show him in his normal world. But you don't reveal enough about Tristan for us to understand him.
Don't refer to Tristan as the photographer. Always refer to him by his name, otherwise you risk confusing a potential reader. Likewise, don't refer to Lucas as the lawyer.
I'm confused by these seemingly pointless scenes between Lucas and Ben. What does their relationship add to the overarching story/theme?
So the secret weapon to weaken Gwen was to build a casino? All so they could rescue some women who have not asked to be rescued?
Your story's world is problematic. I think you expect too much knowledge and acceptance of folklore on the audience's part. Right now, the whole thing feels a bit out of focus. You need to have some scenes in which you establish the rules of the world. Incidentally, I think you could accomplish both this and Tristan's lacking character establishment in the beginning of the script.
In the end, I was unable to become very enthralled by your story or your characters. I am unable to understand why Tristan cares for Vendela so much. Lucas' motives are so unclear throughout the script that his eventual suicide feels unmotivated and flat.
Whatever direction you take with this one, I wish you the best of luck.
Review of: Port Wikkalyn
reviewed by SpesExMachina on 04/12/2011
Other Reviews by SpesExMachina 33
A review of The Last Paperboys (2)by SpesExMachina on 04/19/2011Hey Brian, This is a great comedy script. It's not very often that I read a comedy that actually causes me to laugh out loud. Yours not only achieved this, but I was laughing consistently throughout the whole thing. This is undoubtedly the best comedy I've read on Trigger Street. At first I had a difficult time uncovering exactly what the tone of your comedy was. Whether... read
A review of COUSIN JEFFREY (re-rewrite)by SpesExMachina on 04/05/2011Hey Steve, Overall, my feelings about this are mixed. On one hand, your script is structured and written very well. Nothing feels clunky. On the contrary, your sparse writing style makes this a very quick, tidy read. It's an easy script for the reader. My problem is with the script's concept, and unfortunately I don't think it's something that can be easily resolved,... read
A review of The Ghost Detectiveby SpesExMachina on 04/02/2011I was excited to read this story, because I'm a huge fan of Buffy, and I can definitely see the affect Joss Whedon's work has had on your own. But this script has a long way to go in terms of its execution. You have some nice plot twists that come together in the end, and your basic concept for the theme of the script and Sarah's character growth has a strong core. (I wonder,... read