Got to say this reminded me of super bad and a few other high school comedies but yours had itís on flavor.
Down below I have listed some ideas, suggestions, and comments that I hope you find useful and that you can take however you like.
Pg. 5 Right away your description of Chuck Chase is funny.
Pg. 8 Black kid. Doesnít African American sound better?
Pg.10 This scene is firing too many characters at once and Iím wondering how important some of them are.
Pg.13 Do you need like some fake-medical attention? Very funny.
Pg.20 The way the beer scene was being discussed earlier it was a bit of a letdown. You could have added some tension comedy with the Latino clerk.
Pg. 21 ďscampers down the hallĒ This parenthical would be better served as an action description.
Pg.23 Jamie has some ugly long dialogue blocks. Try breaking it up it would read better and faster.
Pg.29 Love the T-BONE Character.
Pg. 39 Why do you want to show him your dick so bad? Nice and very funny.
Pg.44 Since there is so many girls being described and appearing maybe you should change Jamieís name. When I think of Jamie I think of womanís name. Maybe thatís just me though.
Pg.51 Love the fake jacking off thing. Makes me thing of a quick draw battle or something.
Pg. 68 Like the old school party feel here.
Pg. 81 This should page should be the ending to me. You showed growth and would be a great way to finish the script.
Pg. 89 The last scene was awesome. I see why you saved it for the end now.
This thing was a short, snappy read man.
All the characters were fun even though I lost track of a few them at times. I wish I had more but youíve made me biased lol.
A few things I feel that could have helped you out is a more of a true villain and maybe more of a happy ending instead of a fun ending. It seems all comedies end with a happy ending. Maybe Will could have gotten Andrea or at least some money off his invention?
As for the villain maybe you could have had somebody else trying to pitch Chuck an idea, which would give you some conflict to build comedy around.
Overall I liked this and would recommend it to others on TS. Take care and try not to fake ejaculate on somebody.
Review of: Premature (rewrite)
reviewed by Mr. Cinema on 07/24/2011
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