Premature but matured enough to review!
Got to say this reminded me of super bad and a few other high school comedies but yours had it’s on flavor.
Down below I have listed some ideas, suggestions, and comments that I hope you find useful and that you can take however you like.
Pg. 5 Right away your description of Chuck Chase is funny.
Pg. 8 Black kid. Doesn’t African American sound better?
Pg.10 This scene is firing too many characters at once and I’m wondering how important some of them are.
Pg.13 Do you need like some fake-medical attention? Very funny.
Pg.20 The way the beer scene was being discussed earlier it was a bit of a letdown. You could have added some tension comedy with the Latino clerk.
Pg. 21 “scampers down the hall” This parenthical would be better served as an action description.
Pg.23 Jamie has some ugly long dialogue blocks. Try breaking it up it would read better and faster.
Pg.29 Love the T-BONE Character.
Pg. 39 Why do you want to show him your dick so bad? Nice and very funny.
Pg.44 Since there is so many girls being described and appearing maybe you should change Jamie’s name. When I think of Jamie I think of woman’s name. Maybe that’s just me though.
Pg.51 Love the fake jacking off thing. Makes me thing of a quick draw battle or something.
Pg. 68 Like the old school party feel here.
Pg. 81 This should page should be the ending to me. You showed growth and would be a great way to finish the script.
Pg. 89 The last scene was awesome. I see why you saved it for the end now.
This thing was a short, snappy read man.
All the characters were fun even though I lost track of a few them at times. I wish I had more but you’ve made me biased lol.
A few things I feel that could have helped you out is a more of a true villain and maybe more of a happy ending instead of a fun ending. It seems all comedies end with a happy ending. Maybe Will could have gotten Andrea or at least some money off his invention?
As for the villain maybe you could have had somebody else trying to pitch Chuck an idea, which would give you some conflict to build comedy around.
Overall I liked this and would recommend it to others on TS. Take care and try not to fake ejaculate on somebody.
Other Reviews by Mr. Cinema
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You what's weird is I was assigned the 3rd draft and the 2nd draft of this. I figured I'd review the most updated one, plus you had me at comedy. I'll list thoughts and ideas that you can use however you see fit.
Pg. 1 Is it necessary to capitalize occupants and farmhand? That’s kind of dated in screenplay these days.
Pg. 2 Your contd isn't formatted correctly. It should...
You what's weird is I was assigned the 3rd draft and the 2nd draft of this. I figured I'd review the most updated one, plus you had me at comedy. I'll list thoughts and ideas that you can use however you see fit.
Pg. 1 Is it necessary to capitalize occupants and farmhand? That’s kind of dated in screenplay these days.
Pg. 2 Your contd isn't formatted correctly. It should CONT'D. While not a big deal, I think you should try to make your script lock professional as possible.
Pg. 4 inverted commas sign? I've never heard of it. I take it that’s not American.
Pg. 6 INT. LIMOUSINE – CONTINUOUS What time of day is it.
Pg. 7 you write breezy descriptions
Pg. 20 Nice, now the story is on it’s way.
Pg. 24 Why didn't Mo check the envelope?
Pg. 28 This is good. We see their flaw help them escape.
Pg. 29 (CONTINUED)Is no longer used in screenplay these days.
Pg. 31 Lol nobody gives me the finger. I’d like to see more of this kind of comedy in this.
Pg. 57 Paolo looks exasperated. Always write in the present tense not past. It’s more active.
Pg. 87 No. I want to get it standing up. Lmao
Pg. 88 Nice plot twist. I wasn't expecting that.
Random feedback
Something I can think you guys could explore is making this more a rated-r slap stick comedy. Instead of poking him with a banana why not a dildo? Also why is the comedy so few and far? However, I could definitely see this standing out as rated-r slapstick comedy because how many of them have you seen?
As for the characters, I felt the supporting characters were better than the leads, like frustrating Tony. Frustrating Tony had a tick to him you know? Mo and Bob could really use some traits that distinguish them from one another. A trait you could get one of them is maybe Bob stutters when he talks. That’s just a raw idea though. I’m positive you can come up with or add something to them.
In addition, I think you could delve a little deeper into Mo and Bob’s past. The audience needs an emotional connection with the characters, so they will care what happens to Mo and Bob. So far I think you tried to by making them screws up and get removed from the family business. A little more wouldn't hurt.
You should also try to make the first scene really capture the audience. Maybe it could be a really funny joke or something exciting. Unfortunately right now you don’t have a very exciting or funny opening. My advice to correct this would be to think about your favorite movies and what made you continue you watching them.
Formatting could use a bit of work but formatting is a simple problem to correct. A book I’d recommend is The screenwriter's bible David Trottier. This book will improve your writing and formatting exponentially.
What I liked
I really liked the short description which helped move the story along. I liked the jokes, I just wish there was more jokes. Your dialogue works for this kind of movie and was fun to read. Well good luck with this and try not give anybody the finger lol. Take care.
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I've seen this on here since forever but I believe it use to be called something else right? Anyway, I thought it was strange that I've seen this on here for a while and never got it assigned until a few days ago. So why not review it?
I’ll list honest thoughts, suggestions and ideas that you can take however you see fit.
Pg.2 Spots his Wingman make out with a girl against...
I've seen this on here since forever but I believe it use to be called something else right? Anyway, I thought it was strange that I've seen this on here for a while and never got it assigned until a few days ago. So why not review it?
I’ll list honest thoughts, suggestions and ideas that you can take however you see fit.
Pg.2 Spots his Wingman make out with a girl against the wall. This sentence seems a little off.
Pg.5 The milf joke is pretty funny.
PG.6 I know it’s early but I’m starting to feel like will and Andrew are interchangeable. It seems like they are the same person.
Pg.11 they’re should be a bit of more of a transition to these guys coming out their shyness. I mean on pg.1 they seem shy and now they’re socializing with attractive women all of a sudden.
Pg. 19 It seems too easy for our dynamic duo. They literally have women throwing themselves at them without doing much.
Pg.34 I eat pussy like it was the Last Supper LOL. I can’t believe you wrote that but it’s witty.
Pg. 58 Sally’s dialogue is too long. Cut it down some or use action to break it up.
Pg. 72 Instead of Natalie telling use there’s gun in there why not have her open the box and show us?
Pg. 78 Nice twist
Pg. 95 some of this dialogue could be cut and still have no real impact on the story.
Pg. 109 Will’s dialogue here is way too long. That’s just ugly to read.
Okay, now that I’ve finished reading it let’s talk about few areas that I think could use a little improvement.
My biggest worry with this the 114 page length. I’d try to shave 4-7 pages off. Here’s a few ways I think you can do that.
You definitely should consider going through this and making sure the paragraphs are fours lines or less. Never have more than five it slows the read down.
Also it seems like some the scenes aren't needed like on page 112. Why does Sally need to talk to Marlene about Andrew? Just skip that scene and show Sally and Andrew in the dog park.
As for the characters I really couldn't help but to think will and Andrew sound almost alike. Try giving one more of a more dominant personality or make one the joke man and the other the straight man.
On a positive note, you do a great job of showing us that Hollywood lifestyle. I could literally picture all the parties in my head.
Also you did an excellent job on hitting all those emotional beats and making us care about Andrew and Will.
I hope this does well and try not to eat *ussy like it’s the last supper lol. Take care.
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I believe I reviewed this a while back. Maybe it was the 3rd or 4th draft. Anyway, I liked it back then and decided to give it another go, plus you sucked me in with the word comedy. I’ll offer my pure honest thoughts, suggestions and ideas that you may use however you want.
Pg.6 You named a character shy boy but his dialogue doesn't match that of a shy boy. To me saying...
I believe I reviewed this a while back. Maybe it was the 3rd or 4th draft. Anyway, I liked it back then and decided to give it another go, plus you sucked me in with the word comedy. I’ll offer my pure honest thoughts, suggestions and ideas that you may use however you want.
Pg.6 You named a character shy boy but his dialogue doesn't match that of a shy boy. To me saying bitch didn't really fit that of a shy person. Easy fix here would be to just change his name to arrogant boyfriend or something in that ballpark.
Pg. 8 Yeah? How good they look? Great comedic timing with that joke.
Pg. 12 etc in a description? C’mon this is yours, show us how you envision heaven looking.
Pg. 26 Nice getting into the dialogue late and leaving early as screenwriting books teach.
Pg. 28 Hey, what gives? That could be cut and have no impact on the story.
Pg. 31 The complaining ghost thing is hilarious. Also on the Harvey’s tombstone the death date should always be updated to the most current date, so the script doesn’t appear dated.
Pg. 34 Just a suggestion why not have it that Harvey is an architect himself or went to school but dropped out that way he and Georges relationship could development more? That’s just an idea though.
Pg. 59 This must be the first time I've seen ketchup and mustard have sex before. Funny.
Pg. 88 seems like there was too many examples of the difference between heaven and hell. You could remove some examples and still not lose any impact on your script.
Pg. 90 I will say Satan’s dialogue is very good here.
Pg. 98 Awesome ending.
Now, I've finished reading and I must say this was enjoyable but there are a few things I think that hold this back from reaching its true potential.
One of the things I would like to know is why did Harvey and Barbara’s relationship get so bad? I felt like I heard about it but never seen it or understood. Did he cheat or did she? Did she admit to being attracted to another man but didn't act on it? To correct this if you wanted you could add a flashback scene early in the script to help the audience understand better.
I disliked that the characters names changed. I realize they changed when they got to earth but if this was submitted to professional readers they might dismiss it because of that. If it was me, I’d keep them named as rooster and Harvey just for consistency sake.
My biggest gripe would definitely be d-loc and ace. Their plan is a bit murky. I mean why can’t the cathedral be built? How does it affect dloc and ace? Will they be punished by Satan? Why does Satan not want the cathedral built? Villains need stakes too.
Speaking of dloc and ace they could use some more creativity. Why bring them back both as old men. Why not something ridiculously funny like a stripper or a hot nurse or a caveman.
That’s all I have. This was fun, and moved fast from start to finish. I say good luck to you sir and try to not Ballet dance too much.
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