Other Reviews by mmckean 112

• 
  Well-written, but story needs work
  A review of Modern Nostalgia
  by mmckean on 03/20/2013
  Hey Adamrc, Your screenplay, Modern Nostalgia, is very well-written but, as I say in the title of my review, there is still some work to do in terms of the actual story. First I want to point out a few things that I liked about the script. David's dialogue, where he responds to Jon by saying that a lot of people are saying they are his son is pretty funny. Good job on that!... Hey Adamrc,
  
  Your screenplay, Modern Nostalgia, is very well-written but, as I say in the title of my review, there is still some work to do in terms of the actual story. First I want to point out a few things that I liked about the script.
  
  David's dialogue, where he responds to Jon by saying that a lot of people are saying they are his son is pretty funny. Good job on that! It was also pretty original.
  
  I loved the relationship between Jon and David throughout the script, and how it grew toward the end. When the script started I wasn't too fond of David, but you really got to see him soften up when he found out Jon was his son.
  
  I also enjoyed your superb job of writing action sequences. Freaking stellar!! I could see the movie action in my head.
  
  Now, on to what didn't work in my opinion...
  I read the entire script and was paying very close attention but I cant figure out why the heck Jon and David are total girl magnets? I understand being an attractive guy and all...and David has money...but they are so direct about it that it almost comes across as fantasy. These girls want to throw down and be used by them like it's nothing. What are they getting in return, besides a little booty?
  
  I also didn't like the frequency of the shoot-outs. I mean, don't get me wrong, the action scenes were awesome and they were written really well...I just think that a movie only needs one major shootout. In this script, these guys are constantly blasting the crap out of each other. One person starts shooting and then they all join in. See, in the movie "Enemy of the State" there was only one shootout scene and it worked quite well. It can be done!
  
  The script also had a few cheesy moments in it. Mainly, the guy who had both his sons murdered within like 5 minutes (script time). I didn't hate this scene, and it wasn't bad, but it didnt add anything to the script either.
  
  And finally, what is up with the Adam West "Batman" thing? I didn't get it. These guys are the furthest thing from superheroes, in my opinion. And I don't understand why the son put the Batman action figure on his Dad's tombstone. It seems to suggest that David was his 'hero' but that makes no sense really because he didn't even know he had a father until semi-recently. And really what did his Dad do for him that made such an impact? Besides sending him into the store to pick them up a few beers?
  
  Just some things to think about. This review shouldn't be taken as harsh, because there really is a lot of good stuff going on in this script. Heck, if there wasn't I wouldn't have been able to read the whole thing in a day :)
  
  Keep writing, and good luck. read
• 
  A Fair Script
  A review of Splintered
  by mmckean on 03/17/2013
  Hey Vbrewer1, I commend you on completing a fairly good script. If I had to guess, I would say you have been writing screenplays for a while now, or you have done a lot of research on how to write one. The actual writing and description in the story is superb. Everything flows well and is a quick and easy read. I like how you set the scene by describing what the characters... Hey Vbrewer1,
  
  I commend you on completing a fairly good script. If I had to guess, I would say you have been writing screenplays for a while now, or you have done a lot of research on how to write one. The actual writing and description in the story is superb. Everything flows well and is a quick and easy read. I like how you set the scene by describing what the characters are doing before introducing the dialogue. It makes for a much easier read that way. I also LOVED what you were trying to do with the flashbacks (very creative) although I did find it to be confusing and at times a little jarring. Maybe there is some way of making us realize that the main character is having these flashes and it is not the screenwriter just jumping around in the telling of the tale. The only other critique I have would be the dialogue, which needs a bunch of work. All of the characters sound exactly the same and the medical professionals (doctors, neurologists, etc) all have generic dialogue, like the writer was unable to make any sort of connection with how people in these occupations behave. This would be where good research comes into play.
  
  I loved the concept though, and although I don't see this being a hollywood blockbuster (because of the dialogue and cliche moments) I do see this as becoming a made-for-TV-movie with a little work and revision.
  
  Keep writing, you are on the right path. read
• 
  Atlas shrugged
  A review of World on a String Draft 2
  by mmckean on 03/12/2013
  Hey Ccolebrook, I can tell by reading your screenplay that you have been writing for a while. The script had good flow and was a pretty quick read, for the most part. There were sections that seemed to drag on. I was also confused throughout most of the script because the concepts, some of the fantasy elements, were so far out there that they were difficult to understand... Hey Ccolebrook,
  
  I can tell by reading your screenplay that you have been writing for a while. The script had good flow and was a pretty quick read, for the most part. There were sections that seemed to drag on. I was also confused throughout most of the script because the concepts, some of the fantasy elements, were so far out there that they were difficult to understand.
  
  PAGE BY PAGE
  
  P.1
  
  I like the title. Catchy. Something seems wrong with the first scene heading of the script. Perhaps it should read EXT. SPACE or just simply SPACE, and then underneath it you can explain how it is a shot of Earth.
  "Blaze their speckled brights"? Huh? Street lights maybe?
  You've also written about the skylights and you describe them as shows, media, ads, etc beamed down to earth but skylights are actually better known as the holes people put in roofs for aesthetic purposes.Maybe mention that we are taking about the future here and say that shows and media beamed to Earth is called Skylights.
  
  Nico Every? A rather bizarre and contrived last name. You want to make up an original name but you want it to sound realistic so the story is believable.
  
  P.2
  "How are we going to crush with two beer cans?" I dont understand this comment. Crush what? The can?
  
  "Dazzled by the light shows on the sides of buildings. Warmed by the spirit of densely populated streets." Take this out. Sounds like short story material and not script-worthy. Script writing is a visual medium.
  
  Party bot? What is a party bot?
  
  P.3
  "A smattering of red lasers shoot off their crown like a confetti bomb" Is there a better way to say this? It paints a very bizarre and humorous picture.
  
  Oribital platforms?
  
  P.4
  Missing comma, Chachan's dialogue. "Chachan pulls his pants up-hating." What is he hating?
  
  "A wave of stress swells in his eyes-- breaks into a laugh" What is so funny?
  
  P.5
  SPA. Planet cluster -- day. Shouldnt this read SPACE-- PLANET CLUSTER -- DAY
  
  "What looks upwards turns sideways." What????
  
  I really had a difficult time with this entire page.
  
  P.6
  Whi is Gab's dialogue broken up. The "back inside the ship" part.
  
  The 'eye' that enters the ship has been referenced in several sic-fi films already. Its a bit cliche unless you re-imagine it somehow and make it your own.
  
  "Eye Contact" is meant to be funny, but you should never use these little dry witticisms in a script! If you were saying it in person I might laugh, but if you are writing this to be read by stuck up film producers (and most of them are very stuck up) they will not find it funny at all, but will think it is amateurish.
  
  P.7
  The idea of this eye pulling his fingers off the handle is a bit funny. Was this the intention?
  
  P.9
  "In the foot of the jumbo tron hologram." Huh?
  
  P.13
  "Rabaan looks Nico dead in the eye." This phrase --Dead in the eye--is cliche.
  
  P. 14
  Stun balls? I get it but I would try to think of a more creative phrase to describe them.
  
  P. 18
  Cut out the "DING!" It sounds amateurish. Trust me, I am guilty of this as well. From what I have read in screenplay books, you only put the sound in all caps if it is a sound that has to be synthesized or digitally altered -- something bizarre...like the gurgling noise in grudge would be a classic example. A simple ding doesnt need to be in caps.
  
  P. 38
  Sound gun? Once again, perhaps we could be more creative here and use sonic blaster or sonic pistol or something.
  
  Powered boot? Need I say more?
  
  P.40
  "Chachan roots around the room for something" Why did you use that word? Roots?
  
  P. 50
  "Come on now" "We can make it" Cheesy dialogue.
  
  P. 52
  "Its the perfect temperature." Extraneous information. You cant see or hear the 'perfect' temperature.
  
  P. 68
  Okay, so this ship, the Atlas, will eat you if you dont take control of it fast enough? Doesn't make sense.
  
  P. 71
  Bright's dialogue. "Stop! Stop! You're all better than this." A bit cheesy. Dont forget to use subtext when writing dialogue. People dont talk like this, unless they are psychologists or something.
  
  I could continue, but in a nutshell the problem is a lack of transference from your imagination to the page. I think you are extremely creative and you have really good ideas, but sometimes I just cant catch on to what your talking about because it isnt explained really. I dont even know exactly what year we are in in this script. Also, there are things that are just so incredible that it almost turns funny. Exaggeration, hyperbole, is a fine line to walk because it can quickly turn into a comedy piece or maybe even a B movie, or both. Know your intentions before starting a script, and have your friends read through it and ask them if they were able to follow along alright.
  
  I hope this review helped. You have a lot of talent and I can see this script going places with a bit of work. I like the idea of the crown having all of those powers. Thats pretty awesome. People like stories like this too, stories where a protagonist starts out as a nothing and becomes a super cool hero :)
  
  Keep the pen moving read