The writer's strong feelings for the events in this story are apparent, but those feelings are not communicated in such a way as to arouse the same feeling in the reader. Much of the dialogue is more speechifying than conversational. There are qute a few typos and misplaced or omitted punctuation. Some of the sentences, as contructed, are unclear. There is a story here that many readers can relate to, but it needs a lot of work. Good luck with it.
A few notes as I read:
Is "chair needed after "recliner"?
"At 75 she had had a good innings"?
"...old ladies would natter each other, other days..." Semicolon instead of comma.
"Have you put the rubbish out dear?" Comma before dear.
"...cuppa tea..." instead of "cup of..." Seems odd in this rather formal narrative.
"...passed away after falling" Needs a period.
"...two brothers had met up..." Wouldn't just "met," without the "up" work better?
"...one of use kids..."
"...as soon as he would be walking into his office..." Wouldn't it be better to write,
...as soon as he walked into...?
Review of: Elsie White's Will
reviewed by mnjones on 11/29/2010
Other Reviews by mnjones 381
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