Redemption Rap.
Wow. Great read. I couldn't stop once I started, which is bad cause it's a beautiful day and I want to go swimming but now I want to write this review while the story is fresh in my head.
I saw this is your only screenplay on the site right now, you've uploaded more short stories, but I didn't get the impression you were new to screenwriting--at all.
Your action blocks are longer than most folks seem to think is optimal for a spec script and it seems like a shooting script from what little I know about it-- but I loved your writing style.
Here are a few thoughts I have about stuff:
page 1--I wasn't sure at first about whether the VO was necessary. But I got to thinking it was a great way to layer Ray's character. No one is all one way or the other and Ray, at first, seemed to be a guy with a serious, world weary chip on his shoulder and some major 'tude, but the VO gave us some sympathy for him because we knew somebody, somewhere in the world thought he was a really nice, cool guy. so good job.
Page 2- you could lose further description of the 'nice people' and we wouldn't miss anything important.
I loved the sidewalk scene. I loved the shoulder slam.(I'm a menopausal 50-something but everybody who knows me thinks I'm a cool, really nice person.:) I totally get where Ray is coming from. Good thing I wasn't there with him or I'd have taken that MF DOWN....just kidding--kinda.
page 4 The transition "REVERSE" is new to me. I've only been writing about three years so it might be fine but I didn't think it was necessary.
Okay, it's page 10 I'm caught up in your story--it's exciting, interesting and feels real. The dialogue is great and you've introduced your main characters but I haven't noticed your theme stated directly in any of these pages. I think a great opportunity would be during Ray's 'rant' . to me you sorta set it up by the 'suit' telling Ray he had some problems he needed to work on but it didn't nail it for me. I think your theme is no one is either "all good" or "all" bad. bad people do good things, good people do bad things--we can all gain redemption if we try. You kinda show us that with your VO/Ray's 'tude but I think it would work if Kenny said something directly about it, like: Damn, dude, that ain't you. That diarrhea musta been worse than I thought'. Ray could just say, "yeah, sorry" then Kenny could nail it with something like, "no worries, we're all saints or psychopaths on any given day."
or you could tell me to go take a hike.(just don't forget about the menopause thing)
okay, maybe I'm dense--no, no, I think I might be...but you have this rant about rap music and the title of your screenplay is the name of a Reggae song?
Structure is good with the inciting incident on page 12. Ray making the call to go to the hole and sealing Kenny's fate--Damn.
page 14--meeting Ronnie. what a great character and Sheila, whoa.
I loved the cellphone scene. It might have been a tad long but was really great.
page 21 back to the hole. I have to tell you that was some hard core stuff. Ray has a longggggg way to come back from. I think it's almost too much to be honest. In order to buy the "good person doing bad stuff because of circumstances" angle you have to have Kenny more than just gut shot. He needs to be almost dead when they get there. Kenny needs to GASP his words. right now it seems like he'd totally have a chance to live, they could pass his wound off as a hunting accident and cross state lines to go to a hospital. It doesn't really seem like an irretrievable moment. and Sophie's response? a pregnant woman who just winces slightly when her man kills their friend? didn't fly for me, sorry.
page 26--we bust into act II when Ray tells Jimmy he's going to rob banks. right on the money--good job
re: Jimmy reveals he's in trouble. I don't think you mentioned this again, after they got the money, and when Jimmy did pay the guy off wouldn't the guy wonder where he got the money? he might put 2+2 together and blackmail Jimmy--could keep the tension rolling in the back half of act II when Jimmy isn't doing much.
The AA monologues were a great way to reinforce your theme. Nice comedic touch, as well.
page 41--I like that Ray is struggling with what he's doing by having trouble sleeping and "fuck this life" but there is no sense of humanity in that sentence or remorse about involving Jimmy-- i think we need to see, specifically, that Ray is really conflicted about involving another person he loves--he almost got another loved one killed--I think that needs to be shown in the getaway car when Jimmy is shot.
Maybe have Jimmy say--"we never talked about what we'd do if something like this happens". that way the audience knows that 'the hole' is no longer an option in this scenario.
page 47--midpoint- ray goes into the mission. I had to ask myself if this was set-up organically enough. his moment on the bus, walking the street...did I really feel like he had reached this point in his journey? I'm not sure. no suggestions.
when Ray spells out the plan I'm kinda thinking he's telling the audience too much. Maybe just have him specify he needs a hundred guys dressed the same. It'll be fun for the audience to see what he does with them.
page 52 oh, you did mention paying off slim..ok, forget the suggestion above..
page 53--that was what I was looking for to show Ray's arc is underway-- Ray- "I'm tired...
bringing Buddy back was genius--he opens the door for the back half of act II and the road to redemption. He's the first character who changes his life in a positive direction.
The priest opens the door for Ray's redemption to begin. I kinda feel this should be before you have Ray enter the mission--it would seem more organic to me.
okay, I was just re-reading over when Ray tells Abbie about How Ice T used the ' N word' and changes it into something positive. A title suggestion for your screenplay popped into my head---"Redemption Rap" it's plays off the rap music idea AND 'beating the rap' aspect of them getting away with robbery? no? yes? just an idea.
page 79 a rare typo -- they're should be their
and that's it from me.
I thought your concept was good but it was your characters and the story that knocked it out of the park for me. Dialogue was great, structure was spot on. Very well done.
The suggestions I made were just that--so I hope I didn't offend.
best of luck to you with this and I hoped I helped.
Other Reviews by stephjones
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Hey Ken,
Really enjoyed this story. What I liked best was how you put the squeeze on all of your characters. They deserved it.:)(except the dog) No one had an easy time of it. (not even the poor old dog). This gave the story plenty of conflict and a nice pace. It was a fast, action filled piece and I congratulate you on that.
I also think the concept is good; a mad scramble...
Hey Ken,
Really enjoyed this story. What I liked best was how you put the squeeze on all of your characters. They deserved it.:)(except the dog) No one had an easy time of it. (not even the poor old dog). This gave the story plenty of conflict and a nice pace. It was a fast, action filled piece and I congratulate you on that.
I also think the concept is good; a mad scramble for a lottery ticket. What would I do for such a ticket? Bears thinking about, for sure.
That being said I did have questions arise during the read. Some of them were continuity issues (minor) and some of them seemed to be plot holes, which I think can be fixed fairly easily. The other stuff that came up were some characterization issues which, in this case, are purely subjective. Just some things I personally think can make your story stronger, definitely feel free to ignore.
SET-UP
LEFTY
Great opening hook. Being busted by a combination of stupidity and bad luck. You made Lefty likable by his relationship with his dog and his past talent but beyond that he never really figured largely in the story for me. He was the fuck-up who never could figure anything out. I think he would remain more sympathetic if he actually WANTED something...anything.
What might help is to tie in his learning Spanish to wanting to surprise Fortuna by springing for a trip to Mexico to visit her family (since he was unaware of her plans)Give us a tangible goal for him so we care what happens to him. Right now, he doesn't seem to care about anything much so why should we?
FORTUNA
Fortuna has plans. I like her balls. She's ambitious and for some unfathomable reason she likes Lefty. Enough to risk everything for him. Give us a little something to show why. The tire swing wasn't enough. Too vague and a woman as ambitious as she is needs to have been wooed by the lingering whiff of success left in Lefty.
This is the tale of Lefty and Fortuna so I think it's critical for us to understand what binds them together. A possible fix to explain Fortuna's attraction to him is to have a tangible hold-over from Lefty's successful days. An item of value that symbolizes who Lefty once was. Something like an expensive car, that due to attrition now sits on cinder blocks under a mildewed tarp. Over the course of their relationship he's refused to sell it. But you could have him, in the opening scene, tell Dizzy he's decided to sell it to pay for the trip to Mexico. It wouldn't be much but it would be a gesture that matters to Fortuna, more than anything.
PETER/JOE
You did a really good job with these two. Actually, in some ways they stole the show from Lefty and Fortuna.
I have no real suggestions on these two except this:
PETER
I liked your characterization of him as having a paternal warmth but I think this was undermined in some scenes. I think he should be courteous, to a fault, not use profanity and never use racial slurs. I hated when he called Fortuna a wetback. I think it would be ironic if a wiseguy was the only voice of reason(despite being a killer) in the whole shebang. I got the impression you were originally going for this and then headed in another direction.
CONTINUITY/PLOT ISSUES IN THE SET-UP/ACT I
Fortuna is obviously making plans to leave but she doesn't dismantle her pot operation?
Keeping track of her suitcases. She put them in her trunk. Then they appeared by the front door. Then they were near the end of the sofa. Those suitcases represented her life. Drive it home to us by showing her lug the damn things around to each location so when they are carried off by someone else we really feel her pain.
Page 7 Why did she load her car, drive to Lefty's trailer then return to her own trailer for the bail bondsman card? You wanted us to see her gaze fondly at the tire swing but, dude, there was no tie in for us with that tire swing except for the fact that Dizzy loved it. Need something more tangible to show us her conflict and dilemma. What exactly is she leaving behind if she chooses to just go?
page 13--this could be inciting time for Lefty. I fully expected him to buy the ticket at this point. I think this could help with a plot issue further on if Lefty bought the ticket with his dollar change from buying the wine. I didn't understand your choice to have Rusty buy it, then set it aside, other than to create conflict about it's ownership, which you quickly dispatched by killing Rusty.
I'm going to address here what I think is another plot hole and that is the discovery of Lefty as the lottery ticket's owner. On Page 35 Johnson announces that Lefty won the lottery ticket. How did he know? Wouldn't lefty have to come forward with the ticket? If that's the case I think there is an easy fix...When drunken Lefty buys it have him hold the ticket up to the surveillance camera so anyone can read the numbers.
ACT II. Good structure. The gig changes by Peter and Joe wanting to kill Lefty.
page 28 please don't let Peter be so stupid...dyslexiatic.
page 29 The Boss tells Peter to leave his protege down there (which I assumed meant kill Joe) then further down the page he says, "when your guy gets back from his trip he's gotta go..." I assume he's still talking about Joe? This was confusing.
page 46 You create a nice dilemma for Fortuna when Peter offers her the deal.Good job.
page 70 Funny scene with Lefty trying to get loose in the hotel room.
page 74 ...two SHOTS silence everything. Forsythe drops to the ground (makes it seem like he was shot instead of Johnson)
page 83 This is great stuff. We think Fortuna is getting her money back but she has to give it up to Javier. You just keep em twisting!
page 87 Expositional dialogue between Fortuna and Lefty about how Forsyth knew about where the lottery ticket was. Not necessary IMO.
and then a nice wrap up.
So, in summary, I think this is a nicely written, tense, crime thriller, somewhat tongue in cheek but better for it. The biggest issue for me was lack of backstory on what tied Lefty and Fortuna together. Fix that, and for my money, it's definitely worth the price of an admission ticket.
Hope this helped. All the best with it.
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Hey Josh,
You're a very funny guy--thanks for all the laughs. I also try to write comedy so I can really appreciate your ability to create a comedic scene. Humor is in the unexpected and you surprised quite a few laughs out of me.
I can see you've been working on this for awhile and think you're getting close. So, here's some feedback I hope will help.
SET-UP
Is so critical...
Hey Josh,
You're a very funny guy--thanks for all the laughs. I also try to write comedy so I can really appreciate your ability to create a comedic scene. Humor is in the unexpected and you surprised quite a few laughs out of me.
I can see you've been working on this for awhile and think you're getting close. So, here's some feedback I hope will help.
SET-UP
Is so critical to the success of your story. I came across a few things that I think need some tweaking...
HARVEY'S CHARACTERIZATION
You called him a grump in your logline, however the BRILLIANT scene with Kristi and Shy boy shows Harvey as a hapless loser who needs to grow a pair.(LOVED IT) You executed that Kristi/Shy guy scene so well that instead of feeling contempt for Harvey, I felt sympathy for him. Harvey, as wimp, for your story purposes, IMO, is very effective.
This "wimp" characterization that I got was, unfortunately, undermined a tad, by his behavior with Barb in the card shop. The dialogue between the two of them was a bit too snarky and contemptuous to accomplish what I think you were going for, which was showing two people who had forgotten how to make things work between them. The problem with a couple contemptuous of each other is that it DOOMS them. Your audience will know this. They would think the next logical step is divorce unless the couple have a chance to change---which can't happen cause Harvey gets killed. If you agree with my assessment that Harv is a wimp, rather than a grump, then an easy fix for this scene is to have Barbara watch Harv as he ponders his card choice. Have her look hopeful when he pauses before the 'romantic' card section, then dash her hopes when he moves on to the comedy section. This might be too subtle for your style but I honestly think it would strengthen your story to change the dynamic between the two of them. You can keep that scene with Amy where Harv confesses he doesn't know how to tell his wife he cares...it'll really drive exactly whats going on between the two of them home.
Once you nail down exactly what ol Harv's flaw is then every situation Harv finds himself in must play against this weakness. You set-up your audience to expect a certain type of character and you can't disappoint them by giving them someone else--even if they are in someone else's body :)
ALICIA/SHANE
These two characters were created for just the one purpose with no tie in to any other aspect of the story. Although I loved their snarky dialogue ('Hillbilly eggs' made me jealous)I couldn't see the point of using them versus Kristi/Shy guy. basically they are the same sort of characters and would serve the same purpose. Kristi/shy guy are exactly the sort of asshats Harvey's character needs to stand up to. You might even consider a residual aspect of their personality's lingering in their bodies which causes conflict for Harvey/Rooster and highlights their individual flaws.
Don't blame you if you balk at this as it means a big revision. Just suggest you find some tie-in with them to the rest of the story.
PAGE 12
INCITING
Right on schedule. I loved Harvey helping the old guy. it was very Save the Cat but I thought it worked with his characterization. Harvey is exactly the sort of guy where no good deed goes unpunished.:)
ACT II
Heaven--worked well for me. I liked the way you handled this whole thing except for one thing--the Cathedral Plans as a goal. I know Harvey needs a goal and I think the Cathedral plans could work--if they were used as a red herring. What if God regularly sent folks with unresolved issues, back to earth, under the guise of doing him a favor? This would motivate them while offering them the opportunity to right wrongs? Cathedral plans would be like a snipe hunt? All God's cohorts in heaven would be in on the joke. Winking behind Harvey's back.
You could keep the story, pretty much as it is, except have George with absolutely no desire whatsoever to design a cathedral, no matter what Harvey does. Heaven gets a few laughs from watching Harvey trying to convince George he needs to start drawing up some plans--PRONTO. I suggest this because the slowest part of your story, for me, were the scenes with George working on the cathedral plans. It seemed uninspired, compared to the rest of the story.
You already have the real purpose for him going back(Barb's happiness) dialed in and this worked for me.
ACE and D LOC
Good characters but underutilized. Insert them more often to create conflict and highlight Harvey's flaw or ditch them. For antagonist purposes it's as if they are non existent. I like these two as screw-ups for your comedic tone. it's a perfect choice to have them limited by their bodies.
VERONICA/SHANE
Looks like you were trying to give us some backstory on Shane. Seemed like a holdover from a previous version as there is no real tie in other than Shane/Rooster stating the thing about the importance of family? Also no backstory on Alicia so doesn't fit. I'd cut it.
ACT III
SATAN'S PITCH TO HARVEY
Pretty damn good I thought.
Harvey arced when he turned Satan down, good job.
No set-up on Harvey having kids so Rooster's reveal at the end was a bit confusing at first. easy fix.
So, gonna close by highlighting some of my favorite moments.
--Talking to God through a child--Poopey! brilliant.
--Ketchup/mustard scene. "that's the mustard's problem" (my only suggestion is use a squeezzzee bottle of ketchup.)
--"but if you give him anal so help me..."
--'I swear to you I will urinate on your tv..."
all in all, a good job Josh. I'd be interested in checking out a future revision if you'd like. good luck with this.
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Hey Brittany,
Another review from me on TAODD, for what it's worth.
I admire your commitment to making this the best it can be.
Since you asked about Trent's likability here are my thoughts on it:
Personally, I think Trent is perfect exactly how you've written him. He IS the necessary evil to make this story work as well as it does. He's the antagonist who allows Ana to embrace...
Hey Brittany,
Another review from me on TAODD, for what it's worth.
I admire your commitment to making this the best it can be.
Since you asked about Trent's likability here are my thoughts on it:
Personally, I think Trent is perfect exactly how you've written him. He IS the necessary evil to make this story work as well as it does. He's the antagonist who allows Ana to embrace the behavior which insures her self destruction. He does not need to be likable. He only needs to be accessible. As long as Ana's only concern is her next drink, Trent is perfect for her. I'm always impressed with the personal power you've imbued Ana's character with. She dominates EVERY relationship yet still manages to seem vulnerable. It's very subtle. We think Ana is victimized by weakness because of her alcoholism but, this girl is strong. She wants what she wants and God help anyone who gets in her way. Trent, Eric, her mother...no one really can influence her. That's why I decided your happier ending worked. Cause Ana convinced me that's what she wanted...just as she had me convinced she didn't require the happy ending in the earlier versions. She's such a powerful character. Awesome job creating her. I feel sympathy for Trent cause he is her pawn. This ball busting dude is taken to his knees by her. I almost feel sorry for him. IMO, I wouldn't touch this dynamic.
You also wondered how to improve Eric's characterization.
I think of Eric as cannon fodder. A casualty in the path of an alcoholic who is not ready to embrace sobriety. Do I really want more background on him? No. I think you've given us enough. They weren't a good fit. He wasn't up to the task because, bottom line, hardly anyone is. You did such a good job with the set-up and we wish Eric well cause he seems like a nice guy, but I'm just not that interested in more about him.
So, I guess I'm thinking I don't have any suggestions on those two characters. You are approaching a point where I think you need to proceed with caution before considering any more changes on these characters. They seem pretty perfect to me.
as far as the story goes:
I do like the fact that Ana now resists Trent the first time. She retains control which is more true to her characterization.
I also think Trent's self loathing made evident by calling himself names while looking in the mirror fit. The cigarette burns, however, did not work for me. Maybe I just don't think he's the type to injure himself in just that way. Though I think the wall punching fit perfectly.
other than that, I'm sorry I don't have more to offer. I think you are in total control of this story. any other suggestions, at this point, from me would be to help fill this page.
One thing I can assure you is that I never get tired of reading this screenplay. I think this is my third review? fourth? Not sure but every time I am struck anew by the power of your storytelling.
Hope this helped a little,
Best of luck to you, girl.
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