REMEMBER, ACT NORMAL
This piece is far from “normal.” It isn’t really a story in the traditional sense of having a beginning, a middle, and an end. It is more like a writing exercise on the inner workings of a demented maniac.
An accurate title could be “Portrait of a Serial Killer.” Unfortunately, that title has already been taken by a similar piece some 25 years ago.
The piece is very short and very disturbing. It is erratic in places and it doesn’t really flow. There is no real story being told. It is mostly the inner dialogue of a madman that requires effort to discern what is going on from what is being internalized.
For example the author writes: “Please,” he mumbles between nervous twitches of fright, “just take my money. I don't want to die. Blah, blah, blah, blah.'' It doesn’t make sense that the victim would be saying “Blah, blah, blah...” It does make sense that the perpetrator might, but the way it is written the reader can’t tell who is saying what.
Some of the individual sentences show promise. There are a few passages that are very well crafted and thought provoking. At times it even reminded me of Bukowski. Unfortunately, one sentence doesn’t flow into the next. It’s disjointed. As soon as one interesting train of though is introduced, it stops. There is no follow through. Nothing is developed.
I think if the stronger parts of it were expanded, and it was re-written so that it moves seamlessly from one thought to the next, this could be turned into something powerful.
Keep on typing.
Other Reviews by BozDonovan
18
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This is a nice readable story. One that is easy to follow and know what’s going on without long indulgent narratives that distract more than add.
It was very easy to like Ingrid and very easy to recognize that Kirk, as with most of the characters in the story, are bad people. The readers can sympathize with Ingrid from the start. However, I don’t think most people would...
This is a nice readable story. One that is easy to follow and know what’s going on without long indulgent narratives that distract more than add.
It was very easy to like Ingrid and very easy to recognize that Kirk, as with most of the characters in the story, are bad people. The readers can sympathize with Ingrid from the start. However, I don’t think most people would stay involved all the way to the end. I hope I can explain without anyone taking offense.
The small town gossip, rumor mongering, lies, betrayal, game-playing, personal disappointments, being shunned, etc. are constant and continuous. Ingrid’s defeat is like death by a thousand paper cuts. Instead of building up to a big climatic final event, the gossip etc. just eats away at her bit by bit. But it also eats away at the reader. Almost every character you meet you know from the beginning is going to be a disappointment, even Ryan.
Everyone is a bastard, but no one does anything that is horrifically terrible. Not even Kirk or Kari. Not even the bear is that bad. It is just a big, garbage seeking varmit. It’s there, it causes some minor concern and then it’s gone. Compare that to a scenario where the bear would catch Ingrid by surprise. She would trip, fall, scream, and the bear attacks. Just then Ryan would drive up and save the day. That would give something tense and dramatic. Plus it would build on the relationship with Ryan.
I would have liked to see more romantic tension going on between Ryan and Ingrid. I’d like to see it build, and build, and get more intense with each encounter. When Ryan comes over with the movie, he “pulls off his jacket” and in the very next sentence he’s putting his jacket back on. Nothing happens in between.
They don’t gaze into each other’s eyes. There is no hint of longing, desire, etc. No passion building.
Later Ryan just wimps out. He’s afraid of gossip, afraid of his girlfriend, afraid of Kirk, afraid of keeping his job. I would have liked to see him with a strong character, someone to admire, someone with strength & courage that Ingrid could depend on. Then when the Dear John letter comes and explains that he’s being transferred, there would be some pain and sense of loss. As it is, his leaving is just another disappointment in a long line of disappointments.
I hope this is making sense. It is hard to explain these things within the limitations of one-way communication.
When Ingrid finally gives up on Happy Camp, I’m glad she’s getting out of there, but I don’t feel any real relief or cause to celebrate, because there was no climatic buildup or crescendo.
I also didn’t like seeing her totally in defeat. If she was going to be defeated, I would have liked to see her get one final act of one-upmanship.
You say she is a “victim of the beauty” but you don’t show the beauty. There is a couple short references to the surroundings but I would like to “see” it and be awed by it. I’d like to see majestic mountains, vast skies, wild flowers in spring, thunderstorms in summer, double rainbows after the rain, scenic vistas, stunning sunsets, etc.
Ingrid is a painter. Describe what she paints. Describe what inspires her, what moves her, what makes her be the “victim of beauty.”
There are a lot of passages that could be eliminated to tighten the story up. One example would be the part about Ingrid’s truck not passing inspection. Then she gets the brakes fixed, comes back, and passes inspection. If she went into town and found that someone had been tampering with her brakes, that would be one thing. But as it is, it just slows the story down.
There are a number of other paragraphs, or groups of paragraphs, that could be either eliminated or condensed down. The whole thing needs to be tightened up.
A lot of time the emails to Charity are simply repeats of what has just be played out. It is redundant to the reader when it could be a great tool for Ingrid to expose her inner feelings. To reflect, to let her hair down and talk about her fears, ambitions, hopes, etc.
I also think some of the minor characters could be either eliminated or combined into one another. I’d rather see less characters doing more things, than a whole bunch of minor characters doing one thing here, and one thing there.
I would like to see more of Jolie to draw a strong contrast between people with integrity and those without. Jolie just seems to disappear and when she does appear, she isn’t really strong. She seems to have been beaten into submission over the years.
Overall, the story has a lot of potential. It just needs more powerful people and more dramatic situations. They say the art of writing is re-writing, and I think with more work, it can really grab some emotions.
I know it is based on real people and true events, but sometimes real situations needs to be embellished to captivate an audience.
Keep on typing.
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For the most part, this is a great story. It is nicely constructed. I like the sentence structure. I like the way the words flow together. I like the originality of descriptions. It sounded like it was being told by someone who lived in another time, another place, another reality.
And it moved me. I could identify with the characters and felt empathy for what they were going...
For the most part, this is a great story. It is nicely constructed. I like the sentence structure. I like the way the words flow together. I like the originality of descriptions. It sounded like it was being told by someone who lived in another time, another place, another reality.
And it moved me. I could identify with the characters and felt empathy for what they were going through. I like the mythological tone, the unrequited love, the tragic hero. Very classic in tone and style.
The author shows promise. The story is very good, but there are some things that I think could use help. First is when she asks our hero if he is hurt. He says yes, and then instead of asking where he’s hurt, or what she can do to help, she asks, “Was the battle...horrible?” She admits that she finds the question ridiculous, but shouldn’t she be cleaning his wounds, or wiping his brow with a damp cloth?
If someone is injured, and too weak to take off their own armor, I would think the heroine would be tending to his wounds. And if he’s that weak, how does he find the strength to head off to battle a few short hours later?
I also didn’t understand where they were, or how each of them got there. I also didn’t understand why they were completely alone for the whole time. It sounded like they were at a public well. Given the fact that he was a legend, a national hero, and so famous that poems were written about him, I would think it odd that he went unnoticed. Plus the two of them lay on the cobblestone till morning and in all that time, no one comes by. Did I miss something?
Also, if he left his armor behind, did he head back into battle wearing just his “woolen breeches” and “leather codpiece?”
RE: “Purulent eyes” meets “profligate eyes”: The descriptions seem to disrupt rather than add to the flow of the story. It is not exactly romantic if someone has to go to the dictionary.
“Main” should be “mane.”
“A reckless thrum” sounds a bit awkward.
All these things are minor in relation to how strong the story is. It has a lot going for it. I hope to read more from this author.
~Keep on typing.
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This story made me sick and I say that as a compliment. The writer was very effective in making my skin crawl and my stomach churn. No easy feat considering I don’t scare easily, especially from a short-story.
Caution was given before downloading: “WARNING: Graphic scenes and disturbing topical content.”Because I had read an earlier piece by the author, I ignored the warning...
This story made me sick and I say that as a compliment. The writer was very effective in making my skin crawl and my stomach churn. No easy feat considering I don’t scare easily, especially from a short-story.
Caution was given before downloading: “WARNING: Graphic scenes and disturbing topical content.”Because I had read an earlier piece by the author, I ignored the warning and dove right in. I should have paid closer attention.
I think one of the highest compliments I can give a horror writer is that the story made me want to take a shower afterwards. It isn’t so much scary as it is disturbingly disgusting. Again, I say that as a compliment. It is obviously the intent of the author and he accomplishes it.
As for the politics of it all, I don’t know if it was intended to make a point or not. If that was the intent, I don’t think it was persuasive. But it certainly burns a startling image that won’t be forgotten.
While I admire the writer’s skill, and think that he shows a lot of talent, this story is not going to be on a lot of people’s recommendation list. Beside the subject matter, and the setting being so deplorable, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.
If you cut away the grotesque, is there a compelling story worth telling?
Keep on typing.
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