This piece is far from “normal.” It isn’t really a story in the traditional sense of having a beginning, a middle, and an end. It is more like a writing exercise on the inner workings of a demented maniac.
An accurate title could be “Portrait of a Serial Killer.” Unfortunately, that title has already been taken by a similar piece some 25 years ago.
The piece is very short and very disturbing. It is erratic in places and it doesn’t really flow. There is no real story being told. It is mostly the inner dialogue of a madman that requires effort to discern what is going on from what is being internalized.
For example the author writes: “Please,” he mumbles between nervous twitches of fright, “just take my money. I don't want to die. Blah, blah, blah, blah.'' It doesn’t make sense that the victim would be saying “Blah, blah, blah...” It does make sense that the perpetrator might, but the way it is written the reader can’t tell who is saying what.
Some of the individual sentences show promise. There are a few passages that are very well crafted and thought provoking. At times it even reminded me of Bukowski. Unfortunately, one sentence doesn’t flow into the next. It’s disjointed. As soon as one interesting train of though is introduced, it stops. There is no follow through. Nothing is developed.
I think if the stronger parts of it were expanded, and it was re-written so that it moves seamlessly from one thought to the next, this could be turned into something powerful.
Keep on typing.
Review of: Tell Me a Story
reviewed by BozDonovan on 02/23/2011
Other Reviews by BozDonovan 18
A review of Victim of Happy Camp Revisedby BozDonovan on 03/05/2011This is a nice readable story. One that is easy to follow and know what’s going on without long indulgent narratives that distract more than add. It was very easy to like Ingrid and very easy to recognize that Kirk, as with most of the characters in the story, are bad people. The readers can sympathize with Ingrid from the start. However, I don’t think most people would... read
A review of Just a Manby BozDonovan on 02/25/2011For the most part, this is a great story. It is nicely constructed. I like the sentence structure. I like the way the words flow together. I like the originality of descriptions. It sounded like it was being told by someone who lived in another time, another place, another reality. And it moved me. I could identify with the characters and felt empathy for what they were going... read
A review of Dargonby BozDonovan on 02/22/2011This story made me sick and I say that as a compliment. The writer was very effective in making my skin crawl and my stomach churn. No easy feat considering I don’t scare easily, especially from a short-story. Caution was given before downloading: “WARNING: Graphic scenes and disturbing topical content.”Because I had read an earlier piece by the author, I ignored the warning... read