Normally I make notes as I go, but after a few pages I read this all the way to the end - which means it was a fast read with barely a typo (thumbs up for that).
Yes, it's a fast read (with funny dialogue) but it took a long time for the plot to develop. There is the mention of a gun 20 pages in (Lauren & Brandon plotting) but we don't see it till page 69 when Lauren points it at Ben. Ben escapes and then the action really kicks into gear from Page 80 onwards. Which means the first half of the script is mainly conversations between the guys and the women. I think you need to inject some more drama/action into the first half.
Going by the Bio, this American story is by an English writer. I'm non-American but the American characters and dialogue feel authentic, with funny American-cultural references e.g Wally and Eugene's pimp-your-ass joke.
Eugene thinking God was talking to him from the vent was funny.
I think the montage on page 14, with the mail mishaps, could be a bit tighter, or maybe break up the long paragraphs. Also some of the dream sequences seem too long (especially Ben's airport/action dream, pages 94-97 - I think half a page would be more appropriate so as not to hold up the real action).
The female character descriptions could possibly be more distinctive.
Wally appearing in his car to help Ben and Eugene seems a bit coincidental.
The FADE TO BLACK's and CONTINUED's are unnecessary.
I think the 3 page conversation between Ben and Eugene before Ben tells Eugene about Lauren's plot is unnecessary in that it halts the action.
Page 6: 'loose' - lose
& various times where 'in to' should be 'into' and 'what ever' should be 'whatever'
All the Best.
Review of: Life at the Bottom (Final draft)
reviewed by latent-28 on 11/09/2011
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