Revenge of the mail-room-screw-ups
Normally I make notes as I go, but after a few pages I read this all the way to the end - which means it was a fast read with barely a typo (thumbs up for that).
Yes, it's a fast read (with funny dialogue) but it took a long time for the plot to develop. There is the mention of a gun 20 pages in (Lauren & Brandon plotting) but we don't see it till page 69 when Lauren points it at Ben. Ben escapes and then the action really kicks into gear from Page 80 onwards. Which means the first half of the script is mainly conversations between the guys and the women. I think you need to inject some more drama/action into the first half.
Going by the Bio, this American story is by an English writer. I'm non-American but the American characters and dialogue feel authentic, with funny American-cultural references e.g Wally and Eugene's pimp-your-ass joke.
Eugene thinking God was talking to him from the vent was funny.
I think the montage on page 14, with the mail mishaps, could be a bit tighter, or maybe break up the long paragraphs. Also some of the dream sequences seem too long (especially Ben's airport/action dream, pages 94-97 - I think half a page would be more appropriate so as not to hold up the real action).
The female character descriptions could possibly be more distinctive.
Wally appearing in his car to help Ben and Eugene seems a bit coincidental.
The FADE TO BLACK's and CONTINUED's are unnecessary.
I think the 3 page conversation between Ben and Eugene before Ben tells Eugene about Lauren's plot is unnecessary in that it halts the action.
Corrections:
Page 6: 'loose' - lose
& various times where 'in to' should be 'into' and 'what ever' should be 'whatever'
All the Best.
Other Reviews by latent-28
36
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I've seen a few documentaries on Nazi Germany & World War II so know that there is much dramatic potential to these historical events (and I googled Rudolf Hess to get a refresher on the background).
'Alfred Horn', signified as old-man Hess (and the name Hess used in 1941 on his U.K arrival), generates intrigue and the hint of conspiracy, though this would not be apparent...
I've seen a few documentaries on Nazi Germany & World War II so know that there is much dramatic potential to these historical events (and I googled Rudolf Hess to get a refresher on the background).
'Alfred Horn', signified as old-man Hess (and the name Hess used in 1941 on his U.K arrival), generates intrigue and the hint of conspiracy, though this would not be apparent in visual/film terms.
I think you should start with Spandau Prison and then flashback to Hess' birth.
The first two scenes of the vicious Fritz Hess - and the subsequent killings and beatings - are shocking and vivid. I'm assuming you made it up. That's a writer's prerogative, but having the young Rudolf murdering his own sister seems a bit blatant. In my internet search I found a mention of his sister visiting him in Spandau.
The Hess age transitions on page 23 seem gimicky. In a short space of time he ages to his 40's which is a big narrative jump, missing his important Nazi/Hitler history. Maybe have a Montage (i.e film footage) of both Hess' and the Nazi rise to power. Also, a dated year would be helpful for historical context i.e is it before or after 1939?
Hitler 'smirking with pure evil' makes it sound like a scene from a World War II action movie. Nazi Bormann is portrayed as an evil murdering monster. Nazi 'evil' was mostly deligated - which makes the Nazi leaders all the more chilling in my opinion. Thus, Boorman and Hess murdering the jewish family is shocking but such shock-value can come also come across as devilish movie villainy. I think Bormann's attack and murder of the Maid is narrative 'overkill'.
I think it would be better to say English/British rather than 'Brits'. And 'petty officer' assumes an English naval officer so I'm not sure if this is a British officer.
The first date we get is '1937', during the Norfolk scene - up to here I was assuming the period was wartime. On page 75 we jump (5 months) to 1941, but I would like dates for all inbetween scenes.
Page 63: 'Obnoxiously loud knock on the door' - maybe 'loud , intrusive' would be better.
Hitler vacationing in a concentration camp is not historically accurate.
I like the way you with having Alfred Horn claiming to be Rudolf Hess.
Corrections:
(there are quite a lot of typos/errors for a second draft, after page 37 I stopped noting them)
Page 3: and see(s)
Page 6: bartender(')s - twice
Page 7: doctor(')s
Page 11: then - than
Page 13: overlooks
Page 14: you(s)
Page 16: (O.S.)
Page 21: Rudolf(')s
Page 22: she's
Page 24: Man's
Page 28/31/32: Rudolf(')s
Page 32: eyes fixated - fixed, might be better.
Page 34: pushed - pushes
Page 34: losing consciousness(?)
Page 34: 'Alfred aims at the mother' would be better.
Page 37: there - their (twice)
There is a lot of potential to this fictionalised story of Hess and Bormann, but I'm left confused as to the motives of the main characters - why does Alfred wait until 1987 to confess his true identity (the last day of his life)? And Hess' family confession - his 'compassionate' killing of his mother and sister seems unlikely. Some of the dialogue also seems too modern. Lots of typos to correct, But it was both intriguing and a fast read.
All the best.
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A ghostly love story, well written. A neat twist on 'Sixth Sense' - the ghost doesn't know they are a ghost, but here the boyfriend has to keep his dead girlfriend from discovering her ghostly reality for a week.
And on that week the described dates the couple have are cute and romantic (the colorful locations described well). But you describe the script as Romance/Comedy/Drama,...
A ghostly love story, well written. A neat twist on 'Sixth Sense' - the ghost doesn't know they are a ghost, but here the boyfriend has to keep his dead girlfriend from discovering her ghostly reality for a week.
And on that week the described dates the couple have are cute and romantic (the colorful locations described well). But you describe the script as Romance/Comedy/Drama, and so for me (and for a potential audience) more comedy and drama is needed. Yes the last 10 pages are dramatic but that's just ten minutes of screentime.
Some specifics:
I think you need to give surnames for Angela & Sam at the start (you have them at the very end), and some physical description (on his first appearance we get description of Sam's car but not him). Also descriptions for all secondary characters i.e. Jade and Jen are decribed, but not Sam's Mother & Brother, who don't even have first names.
There is a lot of unnecessary shooting direction ('we see', 'shaky camera', FADE IN/OUT's, POV e.t.c) and also a lot of subjective feelings that go against the standard for spec scripts. Rather than saying 'memories fill his empty eyes' (for Sam) you could have a brief flashback of Angela.
Page 14: don't need the line 'just as Sam requested', we get that from the dialogue.
I was wondering throughout if Sam can feel Angela when he touches/kisses her, then on page 82 he tells Angela that he can 'almost feel'. Maybe this should be expalined earlier.
You use the phrase 'Sam's Mother's car' a few times and it is a bit jarring.
Jen's line: 'currently sustaining the damage of lo(o)sing her' doesn't sound natural for a teen girl.
I think the Park Montage is too wordy.
Corections:
Page 10: (O.C.) should be (O.S.)
Page 29: 'an angry sigh'
There is originality and much potential here, but I think you need to ramp up the stakes and/or comical situations.
All the best.
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Suicide Shift review:
A supernatural horror/thriller. The bridge of suicides makes this original. A sympathetic lead character in Charlotte. A brooding ambience, a plot with a build up of tension.
The vivid descriptions make for excellent scene setting, but once we get into the dialogue exchanges they sometimes detract e.g. the surveillance room with the line about boy scouts...
Suicide Shift review:
A supernatural horror/thriller. The bridge of suicides makes this original. A sympathetic lead character in Charlotte. A brooding ambience, a plot with a build up of tension.
The vivid descriptions make for excellent scene setting, but once we get into the dialogue exchanges they sometimes detract e.g. the surveillance room with the line about boy scouts and knotted cables; and character back stories e.g. boyhood ambitions to be astronauts; also subjective feelings e.g. 'a wave of nausea overtakes her.' This is more suited to story fiction.
Love the irony of the surveillance man killing himself and no one knowing.
Paul's description, 'a simple man with simple tastes' is a bit vague.
'TIME CUT's & MATCH CUT's are unnecessary editing terms.
On page 34, the surveillance room, Charlotte is transfixed by the sight of the ghostly pale lady then moments later she is fast asleep - it is unclear why.
There are a few loose ends at the conclusion (maybe just me):
When James was strangled (by Keith) then surely the marks would show up on his body and strangulation would be the official cause of death, not suicide by drowning.
Conversely, the Boat Captain seems certain that Theresa's cracked skull suggests a murder, but isn't it more likely that he would assume that her skull cracked when she hit the water.
At the end, Lily's ghost has 'pale sunken eyes'. So is she the pale Lady?
I may be wrong, but I've heard that some bridges has sensors to detect suicides which gets relayed directly to the police.
Corrections:
Page 12: unphased - unfazed
Page 29: 'tries to breath(e)'
Page 31: 'snaps closed' - snaps shut
Page 35: 'see(n) anything'
Page 55: 'hands slip(s) off'
Page 72: drug(?) - dragged
Page 91: breath(e)
All the best.
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