Review of "A constant Variable"
Hello,
Just finished reading “A Constant Variable” and I thought it was a tight, well written script. The approach I take in doing these reviews is I imagine I am in a position to look at spec scripts and decide whether to green light, or what changes to ask for ECT.
A script that takes on time travel or any other theoretical science has my respect because right off the bat I know it is going to be a difficult write. I was somewhat torn about as to whether the lack of scientific description was a good thing: leave more to the imagination. Or whether it was a cop-out, sidestepping the more difficult task of coming up with something plausible that would have to stand up to at least some scrutiny? By the end I couldn’t decide only to say that I thought it was a bit of both. Jacob doesn’t really have to explain all that much so there isn’t much to poke holes in.
The Tayah character was serviceable but didn’t really shine as someone that Jacob could bounce his theories off of for the audiences benefit. I was expecting some kind of “two heads are better than one” sort of scene to play out, where either Jacob and Tayah or the two Jacob’s combine brainpower to work it out. This might be a bit obvious but it is to my mind more satisfying than Tayah just popping up and saying “oh yea, I knew that six months ago” or what ever it is that he says. His health issues don’t really factor much into the scheme of things so I wonder why bother? The fact that he has his own doppelganger isn’t really sufficiently dealt with I thought.
The sister in the wheelchair and the Darren character didn’t add much and when they did speak it mostly seemed like a good place to trim. There existence is necessary as Jacob and Sarah’s world has to have someone else in it. I don’t the script really dealt logically with Tayah and how he knew about the formula? What were his intentions, and why did he conceal it from Jacob? Overall Tayah is a good second banana character but needs a little fine-tuning.
The script seems to have a preoccupation with couples having sex. They’re either doing it, hearing someone do it, or watching someone through a window doing it?
The previous paragraph aside I thought the best part of the script was the relationship between Jacob and Sarah. It comes across very well throughout. I think Sarah could be given a bit more to do but overall it is good. I liked the way it ended although it seemed a bit careless of Jacob leaving his obit lying around to be found later, but given the rules set up by the story it is as good a plot device as any. On a last note I think you may want to expand Jacob’s role as a teacher. These types of scenes are always satisfying.
I think you have a good script here with a genuine chance of generating some real interest.
NOTE: This review does not factor into the site rankings.
Other Reviews by xego
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Hello,
Just finished reading your story and wanted to give a few comments on it.
I really liked the format, and the idea of events playing out in reverse.
The first few news blurbs seemed a bit problematic to me. They just didn’t completely sound authentic. The purpose being to convey as much as possible with as few words as possible, I don’t think they yet meet this standard...
Hello,
Just finished reading your story and wanted to give a few comments on it.
I really liked the format, and the idea of events playing out in reverse.
The first few news blurbs seemed a bit problematic to me. They just didn’t completely sound authentic. The purpose being to convey as much as possible with as few words as possible, I don’t think they yet meet this standard. The first could have begun “the five month search has ended when the body of --- was found by park rangers ECT.” It is somewhat minor but if I thought it did sound authentic than it is possible that others may too.
The next section with the co-workers is good; it sets up the idea that it may be suicide because of a lay-off. However the dialog devolves into this class warfare rant that sort of takes you right out of the story. And why then limit the vignettes to just co-workers? Weren’t there anyone else concerned for his whereabouts?
The final section is interesting. I like the beauty of the high prose style, reminds me of Joyce in “The Dead.” It is somewhat jarring the way it stands out in contrast to the prose style of the other sections. Is this a good jar or a distraction? Editors will have their opinions. The change in POV is a change-up as well but I can see where you are going with it. My reaction to how Jacobs meets his end may not be the same as everyone’s. Every spring in Los Angeles there are news reports about hapless individuals being taken away by fast water while fooling around in the cities drainage. Or would be outdoorsmen surprised by flash floods while they camp in dry creek beds. I sort of had the same response here, or lack of sympathy that is. “Nature doing Evolution’s good work?” I mean what is he doing there besides the fact that he is depressed and likes snow? We know that Jacobs is sad because he says so but doesn’t give us any more insight than that? Did he put himself in a situation consciously or subconsciously where he may be killed? I guess these may well be the questions you intended for the reader ask, some ambiguity works: look at Salinger.
The last thing I would mention is the title. Titles don’t always have to make sense I suppose, but I reserve the right to be annoyed by them if they do not. I don’t want you to get the impression I didn’t like this story I do. I can see it visually playing out as a short film. You might consider turning it into a short film script perhaps someone may want to use it? Keep up the good writing.
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Hello,
Just finished reading “The janitor” and wanted to comment on it. To me this script seemed to have potential. It is a quick read at 94 pages. Ordinarily I would say that is great, but in this case you may need to add a few scenes. I will go more into what I didn’t think worked and why additional scenes might help, but I wanted to point out what I really liked about the...
Hello,
Just finished reading “The janitor” and wanted to comment on it. To me this script seemed to have potential. It is a quick read at 94 pages. Ordinarily I would say that is great, but in this case you may need to add a few scenes. I will go more into what I didn’t think worked and why additional scenes might help, but I wanted to point out what I really liked about the script first.
First I liked the title and the idea of the main character. I wish Bronson were still alive. I like the contrast between the Janitor and the white-collar criminals. I could buy into this Mr. Majestic style guy, slow and methodical, and surprisingly resourceful.
If I were a Producer putting money into this and in a position to insist on changes this is what they would be: First I would rewrite the Sammy character by first giving him a more interesting name, and by taking out the pedophilia angle. To me it is a cheap cop out to make him a deplorable child molester. It gives all the characters in play a moral authority that they do not deserve. In this way it doesn’t matter that the jr. execs are blackmailing him because he is a molester. It would be far more interesting if he were a Bernie Madoff type. A guy that gets caught and blackmailed by jr. execs for doing something that they probably would not have blinked an eye at doing themselves. That is a nice hypocrisy. These clowns don’t deserve to be thought of as some how in a round about way doing a right thing. This goes for the Lucio character too. It is a lot more interesting if he is trying to justify his actions, giving him the moral go ahead because the guy is a molester is just lame. At home with his family it is the world as he would like it, the world is as it should be. But in order to make it he feels he must, or tells himself he must, but that is a cop out too. He convinces himself to do something that is wrong and tells himself it is for his family. He must at one point realize that he is a hypocrite. That he isn’t justified.
Then there is just parts of the script that aren’t thought out that well. For instance how the heck does Lucio know everything? I got that he overheard something, but all of a sudden he springs into action, knows exactly how to foil the money drop, knows where all these guys live? He seems pretty informed for a janitor. Was he in Special Forces or what?
These are a few suggestions. When it is all said and done I don’t know what I am talking about…good luck
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Hello,
I just finished reading “Fred of Wartsville.” This story of course has some of the most archetypal elements there are: the frog and the princess, great feats to prove worthiness, ect. This being considered for children’s literature poses a unique set of opportunities and difficulties.
Your story is short (5 pages) that is not a problem for a children’s story however...
Hello,
I just finished reading “Fred of Wartsville.” This story of course has some of the most archetypal elements there are: the frog and the princess, great feats to prove worthiness, ect. This being considered for children’s literature poses a unique set of opportunities and difficulties.
Your story is short (5 pages) that is not a problem for a children’s story however it requires that it be very tightly written. Not only does the prose has to be good it has to sound good read aloud. The best technique is to do just that, read it out loud over and over again. If you can’t read it aloud from start to finish several times without taxing yourself, you haven’t got it. A digital voice recorder is an invaluable tool as well.
As to the story itself I am wondering what exactly is the theme here? Is there a moral? Is it that if you have a short attention span you’re going to get creamed by a rock?
I thought the basic idea of the story was fine but it falls down when logic is applied; children can be remarkably practical at times. I get that Princes Petunia is the fairest of the land but after rejecting suitor after suitor, who they themselves risked life and limb, are we to believe that gentry of the land would still participate? It all seems so unfair. Any frog with a brain would say “to heck with this.” Also the feats they have to endure are not particularly imaginative; a swim, an obstacle course, a rock climb, this sounds like the “Iron man” competition I saw on television. Also in the beginning it is called a feat, and then later is described as a race?
I had a problem with “revolving rocks” revolving and tumbling, or even rolling is not to my mind interchangeable. Something revolves on an axis, while things roll or tumble freely.
It is of course up to you but it might make for a better, cleaner story if taking on the challenge was something more akin to pulling the sword from the stone. It would be more exciting if no one for obvious reasons would dare challenge the dangers until Fred came along. This would make him seem far more the hero, rather than having an average of three suitors a week give it a go for no personal benefit. It would make a lot more sense if the Princess had to marry whoever accomplishes it. Perhaps introduce a big bullfrog who is going to attempt to get her hand, this would provide additional motivation to Fred to jump in and take the challenge…good luck
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