This is a hard review for me to write. I think you have a good grip on the English language, and I didn't find many errors. The few I did find were minor. There's a typo on page 3. You just left off the “e” on the end of infuriate and there's another typo on page 4 where you wrote “He momentary” and you meant to put “The.”
Also, I'm not sure that the word “nascent” is the best choice on page 2 to describe the technology controlling Josh. It struck me as awkward. That could be just because people in my circles don't tend to use it, so it blocks the flow of the reading. It may be fine for other folks. You may also want to look at how many times you started a sentence with “Josh.”
The concept of the story where someone is being manipulated to kill has been done before, but the twist where the controlling factor is just a quarter in the end I haven't seen before. I'm not sure if it lessened the story though because you seemed to have a bigger story if you kept developing it as it was and didn't make him mental, but, maybe that's just the little twist you wanted and it keeps the story a short story.
This wasn't my “thing.” But, it doesn't have to be. I couldn't get into a story about a man slaughtering his family and friends. I don't know the guy. I don't have any reason to care for him or his situation. I'm just immediately hit with his cruel deeds, and so therefore I don't like him. I'd rather the story started with something that showed me who he was before it all happened. I'd like to care about Josh before he gets insane or even if he was always nuts see sides of him that are kind, loving, and give him some more dimension. Maybe see him in the garden with his wife and the love between them? Something that makes him more human and less like a monster. I'd care about him and the story more. That's about the only really constructive thing I can think to say.
Review of: A Dangerous Mind
reviewed by Suesea on 07/25/2010
Other Reviews by Suesea 171
A review of Caution While Mergingby Suesea on 10/08/2010This screenplay starts a bit slow. It appears as though not much is happening on the first ten-20 pages. The characters are going about their daily routine, however, the writer is carefully laying the foundation for some incredible, jaw dropping, twists and turns. The structure of the screenplay (the format) is good, but I have a feeling that the slow pace of the first 20... read
A review of One of Those Days (Rough Draft)by Suesea on 10/07/2010That was a superficial take on some serious subjects. I have to say I wasn't expecting the ending. At one point, I thought vampires, but it turned out way different. I just read your production notes and see that you have posted a final draft. If it's assigned to me, I'd be glad to review it as well. Since I read this one, I'm going to go ahead and post my notes. Since... read
A review of Play It Where It Laysby Suesea on 10/07/2010You accomplished what you intended. I finished this story with a chuckle and a smile. It's definitely well written and an entertaining piece. The concept works well in this format, but I can also picture it as a screenplay. It seems a perfect beginning to a twisted comedy. There's not much description of the two characters. I thought adding some physical description would... read