Review of: A Dangerous Mind 

reviewed by Suesea on 07/25/2010
Credited Review
Suesea
Review of "A Dangerous Mind" Credited Review
This is a hard review for me to write. I think you have a good grip on the English language, and I didn't find many errors. The few I did find were minor. There's a typo on page 3. You just left off the “e” on the end of infuriate and there's another typo on page 4 where you wrote “He momentary” and you meant to put “The.”

Also, I'm not sure that the word “nascent” is the best choice on page 2 to describe the technology controlling Josh. It struck me as awkward. That could be just because people in my circles don't tend to use it, so it blocks the flow of the reading. It may be fine for other folks. You may also want to look at how many times you started a sentence with “Josh.”

The concept of the story where someone is being manipulated to kill has been done before, but the twist where the controlling factor is just a quarter in the end I haven't seen before. I'm not sure if it lessened the story though because you seemed to have a bigger story if you kept developing it as it was and didn't make him mental, but, maybe that's just the little twist you wanted and it keeps the story a short story.

This wasn't my “thing.” But, it doesn't have to be. I couldn't get into a story about a man slaughtering his family and friends. I don't know the guy. I don't have any reason to care for him or his situation. I'm just immediately hit with his cruel deeds, and so therefore I don't like him. I'd rather the story started with something that showed me who he was before it all happened. I'd like to care about Josh before he gets insane or even if he was always nuts see sides of him that are kind, loving, and give him some more dimension. Maybe see him in the garden with his wife and the love between them? Something that makes him more human and less like a monster. I'd care about him and the story more. That's about the only really constructive thing I can think to say.

Good luck.

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