Logline: Interesting, but needs a little work. I would focus on making it shorter and more concise. Here are the notes I made as I read:
Really good intro to Nicole, I could really visualize her from your description.
Your writing strength lies in your descriptive passages they are very, very entertaining
Nice twist on the end having Nicole and Vincent be in cahoots together. Also, a nice payoff with Nicole using the climbing skills she exhibited in the first scene to save herself from the fall.
Dialogue reads a little stilted and unnatural, work on trying to capture the way people actually speak.
Having Nicole be pregnant, but not want the baby (subtext = abortion) is a risky move. You may automatically alienate people with this. Unless it’s central to the plot, I’d cut it.
Nicole comes across as being very dense, how could she not realize the dude in the bed was dead the first time, much less the second day??? Not until she smells something funny does she think there’s something odd about a room torn apart two days in a row?
The discovery of the money in the briefcase seems to come very late, I would recommend paring down the exposition and moving this discovery up several pages. Also, having Nicole jump right to “let’s keep the money” without any kind of moral dilemma makes her not very likeable.
Pg 31, This line doesn’t make any sense – Nicole – Whenever when you want them to be
Pg 51 – Now Nicole WANTS the baby? Why? Just b/c of the money? This issue needs to be explored/explained further.
Pg 94 – I’m a little confused. When did Vincent steal the briefcase from the police station? I think this is part of a flashback, but you should label it as such to avoid confusion.
You have a really nice concept here. One most everyone can relate to because who hasn’t wanted to find a briefcase full of cash. You have some nice moments in here, and a decent ending with a nice twist. A few more rewrites are needed though. I would really focus on the dialogue. Also some of the action comes across as very repetitive. Overall, some nice writing but there is more work needed. My biggest problem is that I never really connected to any of the characters, so it was hard to care if they lived/died or found the briefcase. In the rewrite I would focus some more on character development, let us know what makes these people tick so we can care what happens to them. Best of luck to you.
Review of: Finders Keepers 09
reviewed by LBelch on 05/01/2009
Other Reviews by LBelch 29
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