Review of Finders Keepers
Logline: Interesting, but needs a little work. I would focus on making it shorter and more concise. Here are the notes I made as I read:
Well Done:
Really good intro to Nicole, I could really visualize her from your description.
Your writing strength lies in your descriptive passages they are very, very entertaining
Nice twist on the end having Nicole and Vincent be in cahoots together. Also, a nice payoff with Nicole using the climbing skills she exhibited in the first scene to save herself from the fall.
Needs Work:
Dialogue reads a little stilted and unnatural, work on trying to capture the way people actually speak.
Having Nicole be pregnant, but not want the baby (subtext = abortion) is a risky move. You may automatically alienate people with this. Unless it’s central to the plot, I’d cut it.
Nicole comes across as being very dense, how could she not realize the dude in the bed was dead the first time, much less the second day??? Not until she smells something funny does she think there’s something odd about a room torn apart two days in a row?
The discovery of the money in the briefcase seems to come very late, I would recommend paring down the exposition and moving this discovery up several pages. Also, having Nicole jump right to “let’s keep the money” without any kind of moral dilemma makes her not very likeable.
Pg 31, This line doesn’t make any sense – Nicole – Whenever when you want them to be
Pg 51 – Now Nicole WANTS the baby? Why? Just b/c of the money? This issue needs to be explored/explained further.
Pg 94 – I’m a little confused. When did Vincent steal the briefcase from the police station? I think this is part of a flashback, but you should label it as such to avoid confusion.
Overall:
You have a really nice concept here. One most everyone can relate to because who hasn’t wanted to find a briefcase full of cash. You have some nice moments in here, and a decent ending with a nice twist. A few more rewrites are needed though. I would really focus on the dialogue. Also some of the action comes across as very repetitive. Overall, some nice writing but there is more work needed. My biggest problem is that I never really connected to any of the characters, so it was hard to care if they lived/died or found the briefcase. In the rewrite I would focus some more on character development, let us know what makes these people tick so we can care what happens to them. Best of luck to you.
Other Reviews by LBelch
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I enjoyed your story immensely, although the title is the same as a well known play, not that that matters very much. Your main character is very well formed, and believable. Your style of writing reminds me very much of the movie "A Christmas Story", and I kept picturing Ralphie from the movie as your lead boy. The only thing I would consider working on is giving your main...
I enjoyed your story immensely, although the title is the same as a well known play, not that that matters very much. Your main character is very well formed, and believable. Your style of writing reminds me very much of the movie "A Christmas Story", and I kept picturing Ralphie from the movie as your lead boy. The only thing I would consider working on is giving your main character a bit more of a reason to brave the woods alone. It seems to me that just being bored wouldn't be enough to send him traipsing into a world he seems afraid of. I could see expanding this by 5 or so pages, and adding some interesting meat. Also, perhaps consider letting him come face to face with one of the beasties he's so afraid of and conquering it.
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Logline: Very well done. Grabs my interest and instantly made me want to know more. The fact that it’s based on a true story is a bonus.
Notes as I read:
“got us a runaway nigger” – what a compelling opening line. It hit my stomach like a rock. I still can’t believe only 150 years ago we were so cruel. I’m hooked.
OK, I was totally invested in Malachi, rooting for him...
Logline: Very well done. Grabs my interest and instantly made me want to know more. The fact that it’s based on a true story is a bonus.
Notes as I read:
“got us a runaway nigger” – what a compelling opening line. It hit my stomach like a rock. I still can’t believe only 150 years ago we were so cruel. I’m hooked.
OK, I was totally invested in Malachi, rooting for him to get away. Nice twist having Josiah catch him. But, I personally would have rather seem Malachi stand up for himself and die trying to get away then just crawl back home. Just my opinion.
$50 for the preacher, but $1200 for the girl? Is that true to life? Kind of threw me a little. I could see $500 maybe, I don’t know…
Not really buying this is the first time Josiah decided he wanted to have Ellen. It’s hard to believe he would suddenly decide to rape her. If he wanted her, wouldn’t she just capitulate anyway? You’ve set this up so far to show he’s got all the power, that probably includes the right to have sex with his slaves if he chooses. Just kind of took me out of the moment.
Again, having Josiah knock the laundry out of Ellen’s hands and drag her off just strikes me as wrong. Just my gut feeling.
I think the character of Josiah needs some work. You have him acting as the situation dictates, rather then true to his character. What I mean is you show him giving money to William, and giving William an entire day off every week. Then you have him raping Ellen. It’s too extreme from one to another. Either he’s an asshole or he isn’t, but I have difficulty believing he can be one way with William and another with Ellen. Comes across as inconsistent
The upside down paper is a nice touch.
Minor typo on pg 39 Cephas says “I’m gonna do some sewin’ today”. Should be sowin’
It threw me a little to have Josiah figure out so fast that Ellen was on the train. How did he make that connection?
William strikes me as a very self aware person, but I don’t feel like we have a clear picture of how he thinks of himself. The other slaves have made a big deal out of him being the “good” slave. How does he feel about himself?
If Van Zandt knew Ellen was pretending to be a man, why didn’t he turn her into the ships Captain to be detained?
Pg 78 “Was that cussin’ or prayin” – Great line!
Love William’s frog sermon. So funny.
Love the mob scene where they toss Josiah overboard. Hate that he lands on the paddlewheel. Feels overdone. A large splash would be fine, maybe with an alligator to greet him since you’ve already established they are in the water there.
The Ellen/William love scene is, sorry to say, atrocious. Please consider rewriting it.
Overall:
Very nice, easy read. Good characters who seem real and are easy to get behind and root for. Biggest thing I think needs some polish is the Ellen/William love story. For me, I never believed they were “falling” in love, it seemed like it just all of a sudden happened. I would like to have seen more development there. Maybe a scene or two at the maroon camp where they dance together or something. Other then that. Great job!
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Notes as I read:
Very intriguing opening. I love the 80s, this has real promise!
Laughed out loud at John trying to cover his pot smoking in front of the girl and her parents. I could see him squirm. And having him blow it directly on them. Perfect.
The Stu/Miggs exchange feels a little awkward and on the nose. Why is Miggs there if they aren’t friends?
Kaitlin’s character...
Notes as I read:
Very intriguing opening. I love the 80s, this has real promise!
Laughed out loud at John trying to cover his pot smoking in front of the girl and her parents. I could see him squirm. And having him blow it directly on them. Perfect.
The Stu/Miggs exchange feels a little awkward and on the nose. Why is Miggs there if they aren’t friends?
Kaitlin’s character is excellent, nice work there.
Tommy’s character intro on pg 9 needs to be in caps, an age might be nice too. Wait, I just realized this is Tommy Shaker, I didn’t make that connection.
I’m still not clear on the Stu/Miggs relationship. I would have liked a little background on why they hang out together even though they don’t seem like they should be good friends.
Also, I’m up to pg 15, and haven’t really identified the central conflict. Maybe it doesn’t matter, because it’s been an entertaining read, but someone looking for the standard format would probably complain that nothing’s really happened yet.
I just occurred to me these are still relatively young kids, recent HS grads, wouldn’t they at least have had to have told their parents they’re going to be gone for awhile? What if their parents report them missing?
I’m right at midpoint, and here’s my thoughts so far. Entertaining, but not gripping. Some good moments, but the overall backbone needs structuring. I would like to see the characters explored more in depth. The Shaker/Cheryl subplot could really be expanded on. Miggs is a well written, consistent character. Stu needs some work. Stu is pretty muddy as a character, he’s just along for the ride, so to speak. I’d focus on him in the next rewrite and really show us why we should care about him.
Aqua Net! Ahh, the memories….
Kelly’s speech on pg 79 “you’re a good guy, you can do better then me” is really corny. I would rethink that one.
The Tommy/Greg sing off comes off a little wimpy. I’d rather see the band choose Tommy for a better reason then he can hit the high notes.
OK, second half of the script has really picked up.
A GAY strip club!! LOL. I did not see that one coming….
I love Mr. Andre, another superbly written character (warhol dies when I say he dies!) LOL
Small typo on pg 107
He flips the switch, and out in the Inner Sanctum, hundreds
of balloons and mountains of fall from the ceiling.
Mountains of what?
Ok, this:
Sheriff Luke bends over and slaps his exposed ass, as Randy
and Bud roll their windows down and flip the cruiser off.
Is a visual I HAVE to see!!!
I love it, Cheryl came. I wanted to see that. Very satisfied viewer here.
Overall:
This is a very good script. The second half is much more solid then the first however. Which is bad for obvious reasons. My suggestions would be to focus on the first 60 pages to polish the snot out of them. You get the first half to read as excellent as the second, and I’d just about guarantee you a sale. Great concept, excellent execution. Very, very funny and original.
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