How much praise can I heap on you without giving you a head the size of a watermelon. This is simply great.
Intriguing characters each with a unique voice. Best of all, I actually cared about what happened to them. Clear, concise action blocks. Nothing vague here. I had a strong visual image in my head throughout this very quick read. Seamless transitions between scenes and a nice job of mixing them together to really tell a solid story.
But of course this wouldn’t be a good review if I didn’t let you know what issues took me out of the story. Don’t be afraid; they are minor. First, camera directions like, REVERSE, ANGLE ON, CUT TO, etc., are not necessary in spec scripts. Their presence only distracts a reader and you don’t want that (once a director gets it, he’ll do what he wants anyway). And you don’t need them. The writing itself showed me where to look. Second, as much as I love your dialogue it went on a bit too long in spots, notably between Ray and Kenny on pgs 5-8, Jimmy on pgs 17-19, and the women at the AA meeting on pgs 29-31. Pick what is strongest and let go of the rest. Third, I would use FLASHBACK in a slug line just to avoid confusion; and I believe it’s better to use INTERCUT in a slug also. Last of all, and I see this a lot, but my suggestion is in most cases try not to end scenes on dialogue, if you watch carefully, most scenes end with some kind of action even if it’s just an actor’s expression. Oh, and at one time was Jimmy’s name Luke? Because on pg. 31 that’s what you call him.
All in all, very good. I’d wish you good luck, but you don’t need it. You have talent.
Review of: Redemption Song
reviewed by grey on 04/05/2012
Other Reviews by grey 155
A review of Cly (version 2)by grey on 02/28/2013It’s easy to see the influence of movies like “Kill Bill” on this screenplay. Scene after scene of graphic violence is a tough read for me, but I realize there is a market for it so stories with a hefty body count are a staple in the industry. There were a few grammar issues, some involving sentence structure. I had to re-read them to understand what they were saying, for... read
A review of "WOW! Never Expected That!"by grey on 12/28/2012Well, the lads and lasses of TS have done themselves proud. It’s clear all the participants know how to put a solid story together with engaging characters and present it in a concise, clear format. I will confine my comments to the stories themselves keeping in mind the “WOW” theme. Here’s a brief impression on each short S.P. At the end, I’ll list my top three in the “never... read
A review of I.M.by grey on 09/10/2012Sorry it took me so long to get to this review. I’m not a professional reader, so I can only offer my own feelings about the screenplay. I like what the story is trying to say about technology taking over our lives. I found this very relevant and topical. Where I had difficulty was in connecting with the characters. I never had a handle on the person Reed was inside.... read