Review of The Biggest Collect of All
Completely crazy, yet sophisticated comedy hits many right notes with the appropriate balance of witty dialogue and terse descriptions. Picture a 1950's Ealing comedy fused with the contemporary, edgy flavor of say, a The Full Monty -- and you have something approximating The Biggest Collect of All.
You clearly know your subject well and have invested a great deal of thought into these characters. Does it have an "inciting incident?" Probably not. Not really. But who cares? Did Five Easy Pieces have an inciting incident? Ten different people will give you ten different answers. So much for conventional screenplay methodology.
Basically, this is an ensemble piece about a hapless group of deadbeat dads, walking a precarious tightrope over a canyon of martial troubles, shattered dreams, failing health, alcoholism, ubiquitous support groups, and gambling addictions. And somehow, it's often very funny, thanks to a gallery of colorful characters Damon Runyon would be proud of. It was a fast-paced read.
I will admit, though, I am none too familiar with all the racetrack vernacular you liberally sprinkle throughout this script, and for me, it was, admittedly, difficult to follow at times. And may be for others. For what it's worth. I had to back up and re-read several passages. But that's just me.
Sometimes you forget to CAP your character introductions. All character introductions should be in CAPS.
You have a lot of characters to introduce in your first 6 pages and it was a bit overwhelming, trying to visualize and digest one introduction right after the other without a lot of dialogue to establish their voices before being shuttled to the next character. This leads to a plethora of the "who's who" category of confusion. I will say, it gets easier as the characters unfold during the first act at the racetrack. Ironguts and Rory definitely have their own voices!
Pg. 7 - Should "a thousand the win" be "a thousand TO win?"
The obvious thing to say would be you "have too many lines of description." Although, all description could usually use some editing, just breaking up the paragraphs with five lines of more into smaller paragraphs should suffice.
Overall, I think you have a solid character-driven story here and I like that you ended it on a poignant note. The characters deserved it.
The best of luck with your script.
Other Reviews by MiltonDaggett
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Shortly after I began reading Scripted Life I wondered if it was going to be more of a comedy or drama -- and at times, it was difficult to tell what mood you were trying to set. There's not too much drama, and not a heck of a lot of comedy. Rather like real life. But then, that's the title of your screenplay -- Scripted Life.
As for the concept, I can't honestly say...
Shortly after I began reading Scripted Life I wondered if it was going to be more of a comedy or drama -- and at times, it was difficult to tell what mood you were trying to set. There's not too much drama, and not a heck of a lot of comedy. Rather like real life. But then, that's the title of your screenplay -- Scripted Life.
As for the concept, I can't honestly say it's terribly original: a young man trying to make it in the film industry against the odds while trying to maintain a meaningful relationship with his long-suffering girlfriend.
Scott acts like a sheltered high schooler who hasn't figured out that just because he fills up 120 pages of blank paper, that doesn't make him a genius. He really seems to believe that the first screenplay he pounds out will sell and solve all his financial and spiritual problems. But then you shed some subtle valleys of light onto why he might think this in the scenes that follow by establishing the dysfunctional bond of unhealthy high school friendships that should have long since ceased to exist, i.e., James, Greg, etc, and their wacky girlfriends. Scott has the desire and maybe the talent (certainly the support from Rachael) -- but because he continues to associate with his shiftless, toke-headed bros, trouble follows.
There seem to be way too many casual conversations that simply weren't interesting to me and did not advance the story. At least there was the fight scene at the restaurant to spice things up -- unlike the prosaic chit-chat with Scott and Rachael and other minor characters throughout the first half of the story.
Rachael seems to be in a passive fog or state of denial, but she doesn't deal with this in an interesting, neurotic way. When characters are miserable -- and avoid conflict with each other -- it usually manifests in some kind of compulsory behavior. And gets worse and worse unless the situation changes. I see very little of this in the script. It's just a pedestrian tale of two co-dependent people in a rut.
FInally, though, when Scott gets to the film shoot and begins struggling to learn the ropes of becoming an A.D., digesting the maelstrom atmosphere, and fending off set tyrants, things begin to perk up considerably. It's clear you write with experience here. You seem to know this world and it speaks volumes for the story.
The final confrontation with Rachael near the end was well written and dramatic without being overly dramatic. Everything worked for me, and it was the first time where I felt these two basically likable characters were finally starting to forge ahead and confront their demons.
The flashbacks, though suitably brief, were relevant and draws us in to Scott's psyche (i.e. the high-school bully), and illustrated the reason behind his ingrained reluctance to confront Chris until the end of the story when more things begin to go right than go wrong for Scott.
Scripted Life, though rocky going for me in its first half, drew me in more towards the conclusion, so kudos there.
The best of luck with your script!
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Inside of many "screenplays" are really novels waiting to break out! November Girl is one of those. I know this from personal experience. I placed one of my own screenplays on this site and many reviewers mentioned it would work much, much better as a novel. They were right. That was how I discovered what my story was really about; it was an eye-opening process. The...
Inside of many "screenplays" are really novels waiting to break out! November Girl is one of those. I know this from personal experience. I placed one of my own screenplays on this site and many reviewers mentioned it would work much, much better as a novel. They were right. That was how I discovered what my story was really about; it was an eye-opening process. The fact that your bio mentions you have already published three novels makes me think you are way ahead of me on this subject anyway. So, 'nuff said' on that.
You write like your are going to direct the picture yourself, which is fine -- if you were going to direct it yourself. If you're considering sending this to screenwriting contests (not to mention agents or producers), most likely they will take one look at your formating issues and toss it in the waste-paper basket or delete it from their server -- which is totally unfair -- seeing you have an interesting story here. It should be read -- not stumbled over until one becomes mentally bruised to the point where one can no longer concentrate. Which brings us to formatting issues:
(All items below only apply if you ARE NOT making the movie yourself).
#1 - You don't need left indented scene numbers. This is for shooting scripts, once they have been locked for production.
#2 Scene headings and slug lines shouldn't be in parenthesis.
#3 Graphics, different font, (though they are fun) should be avoided.
#4 I'm confused. Is this an episodic TV show or a feature-length screenplay?
#5 There are often huge chunks of description. Break these up a little so they're easier to read.
#6: You don't need colons after a character heading.
#7 You shouldn't begin every page with a scene heading if the scene heading location has not changed from the end of the previous page.
Overall, it was a visually striking story that seemed better suited for an episodic TV show than a feature length screenplay, which is reinforced by the fact that the story ends with a cliffhanger (sort of).
I'm not sure if November Girl adheres to the classic three-act structure, but it's difficult to ascertain because of the way you have it broken down into five different episodes. It almost feels like a mid-summer replacement series, or initial episode order for a proposed series!
The characters seem to have their own voice, (particularly November and Sidney) though there are many of them (characters) and as a result of screenplay length limitations, there is very little room left for development. The few characters for a movie, the better. Unless you're making Ben-Hur or Lawrence of Arabia.
I wish you the best of luck with your script, though it does still need a lot of work. I think it's a journey worth taking, possibly even in a different format, whether a novel or television series.
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I always enjoy a good Western and this one didn't disappoint.
Concept: Nothing entirely new, but then what is. So, it boils down to execution (no pun intended) -- which was excellent in my opinion.
Character: This is where it all happens from Walt, the Marshall, to Sarah, the orphaned girl (echoes of True Grit). They are both sympathetic and we can empathize with them...
I always enjoy a good Western and this one didn't disappoint.
Concept: Nothing entirely new, but then what is. So, it boils down to execution (no pun intended) -- which was excellent in my opinion.
Character: This is where it all happens from Walt, the Marshall, to Sarah, the orphaned girl (echoes of True Grit). They are both sympathetic and we can empathize with them and their plight as they trudge their way through an uneasy vengeance to ultimately, one hopes, a better life.
Dialogue: This is the best part of your script, in my opinion. This is where your knowledge and intuition for the Western genre really shines. These people sound authentic, and each of them (some lettered, some half-lettered, and some illiterate) sound true in various, subtle shadings according to their station in life.
Story: It moves along nicely, building to a resolute climax at the end of the last act, and doesn't feel all that predictable because none of your characters remain untarnished along the way in this entertaining, six-shooter bloodbath. Which brings me to one of the only problems I had with this screeenplay: The murder of Walt's wife and daughter. The fact that it happens entirely off screen. They go out with a little less than a whimper. Since it is the defining moment of the story, the turning point when Walt questions the moral and ethical code he has lived by, thus triggering his passionate campaign of vengeance, brought on by an earlier decision that resulted in his own family's demise -- the transition needs to be stronger.
Not that the way you have written it doesn't work, it just didn't work for me. I originally thought I was being set up for a twisty, noirish kind of reveal since you choose not to show the intruders on screen, but this turned out not to be the case, since they are evidently the guilty party -- or did I miss something?
I'm not saying it has to be a Death Wish or exploitive Last House on the Left type in-your-face gore-a-thon, but it at least some kind of additional scene would go far in enhancing the terrible sense of loss, the anguish, and the tragedy which drives Walt through the second and third act. I feel it would make a good script even better.
Structure: I'm not going to say much about this as I think you have it pretty much nailed.
Overall: You have a well-written Western here -- not easy to do -- with solid characters and an interesting story, and -- with a few more tweaks, it could be excellent.
I wish you the best of luck with your script -- it was a fun read.
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