Other Reviews by jflynn31 44

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  Review of Something to Be
  A review of Something to be
  by jflynn31 on 11/01/2012
  I like a lot about what you’ve done here. The droll, violent witicisms really capture John Lennon’s personality. The overall absurdity, clever wordplay and ceaseless references to the Beatle’s life and music are well-timed and appropriate to the work as it’s laid out here. Unfortunately, you fall short when it comes to the precepts of traditional structure— as illustrated... I like a lot about what you’ve done here. The droll, violent witicisms really capture John Lennon’s personality. The overall absurdity, clever wordplay and ceaseless references to the Beatle’s life and music are well-timed and appropriate to the work as it’s laid out here.
  
  Unfortunately, you fall short when it comes to the precepts of traditional structure— as illustrated by Syd Field. I’ll bet everything I own that you’ve read this observation from every reviewer thus far.
  
  As it stands, this screenplay serves as a reverent tribute to the early films of Richard Lester. The problem lies in the fact that Lester got to work with the Beatles, early in their career— when they could do no wrong. Fans would pay money for the opportunity to watch them do laundry.
  
  If you were to film this yourself, it would be kind of cool. Although prohibitively expensive, given the need to travel to location and the special effects needed for the fantasy scene(s).
  
  If you intend to sell this screenplay, something more needs to happen. Audiences— especially American audiences— need a plot. But again, I’m sure you’ve heard this all before.
  
  What I will say, is I really like the concept and what you do well, you do really well. If it were my work, I’d give it a stronger narrative skeleton.
  
  And I think you have a formatting problem, since I read the script in almost no time. You can probably fix this by downloading Celtx— an awesome and free screenwriting program.
  
  Other than that, I’d say keep with it. Absolutely. You have comedic timing and a cool imagination. The areas that need work, you can master with a little research and a lot of practice. Same as the rest of us.
  
  So, in my opinion, you’re in a great place! read
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  Review of Broken
  A review of Broken
  by jflynn31 on 09/24/2012
  Overall this is an exceptionally good story. One of the best I’ve read on this website. For the sake of the story, I’m going to focus on the problems rather than laud you with praise. You’ve got a few tics that really undermine this work. You coach your actors in your stage direction and it makes your story seem melodramatic. Mostly, the coaching is completely unnecessary... Overall this is an exceptionally good story. One of the best I’ve read on this website. For the sake of the story, I’m going to focus on the problems rather than laud you with praise.
  
  You’ve got a few tics that really undermine this work. You coach your actors in your stage direction and it makes your story seem melodramatic. Mostly, the coaching is completely unnecessary since your dialogue is strong enough to allow the reader to fill in the blanks. Thus your characters’ eyes don’t need to fill with trepidation. They don’t need to recoil at any questions or flinch from any memories. If you remove these bits and find that your scene lacks necessary punch or clarity, you should probably fix (strengthen) the dialogue. Or the stage direction, provided you don’t describe something that’s completely cliche or that can’t be filmed. Hence constructions like scrolling the “emotional rolodex” or flashing something “resembling a smile” don’t really work. Pinching the bridge of the nose is hackneyed shorthand for demonstrating exasperation or frustration. I’d nix those if I were you.
  
  Your dialogue is strong throughout but a few things slow the story down. I’d retool Marina’s character. She straight out of central casting. A gruff but lovable Eastern European woman who omits articles and pronouns? After the third exchange, I came to dread her every appearance. I had a similar problem with Kevin’s phonetic speech. You’ve written the words phonetically, to remind the reader that he’s struggling to speak. However, the phonetic representation is usually exactly the way the word would be pronounced. It’s a heavy-handed affectation that pops the reader out of the story for a moment. That’s not good.
  
  A writer has to look hard for anything that can even be mistaken for cliche. The Scorpion speech at the end, appears in The Crying Game. I found myself expecting events and many of them occurred. I knew Marinna would emerge as a hero. I knew Jen would make herself available for an awkward sexual encounter.
  
  I have to commend you for your ending. I can’t stress this point enough. All of the dominant themes— overcoming injury, rehabilitation of a child molester, the quest for closure, etc— are meant to be mysteries. Or at the very least, the subject of eternal debate. I worried that you’d tie the loose ends up “too” nicely. You didn’t. I think it’s troubling that Daniel killed Kevin but I think it fits the story. I think you earned that bit of drama. I also like that Daniel disposed of the thumbdrive. To me, that was the watershed moment and redeemed a lot of the troubling issues that came before.
  You’ve done a great job here. Please notice that most of my criticism is subjective and based on my personal taste. Keep up the good work. read
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  Review of Frightland
  A review of FRIGHTLAND
  by jflynn31 on 04/19/2012
  If you intend to make this film yourself, you’re probably good to go. The story works, for what it is. One could argue that the slasher picture’s been done to death but the compelling counter-argument can’t be denied: these films are still being made and people are still paying money to see them. Thus as a genre picture, what you have here works on a lot of levels. Strong,... If you intend to make this film yourself, you’re probably good to go. The story works, for what it is. One could argue that the slasher picture’s been done to death but the compelling counter-argument can’t be denied: these films are still being made and people are still paying money to see them. Thus as a genre picture, what you have here works on a lot of levels. Strong, mostly sympathetic characters. The requisite annoying creep who will undoubtedly get what he deserves and a workable premise involving a creepy, murderous devil-cult leader who’s died but who seems to have come back from the grave.
  
  If you intend to sell this script, you should probably work on it some more. Some basic errors in grammar and syntax really take from the work you’ve done. It’s all fixable. In fact, most of the corrections could be done in a flash, either by you or by someone else who knows the rules cold.
  
  Little things like “should of” instead of “should have” or “use to” instead of “used to.” While arguably minor details, they stop the narrative cold. The same is true of using um as an abbreviated form of “them.” You should probably write it ‘em. In the first twenty pages, I counted a dozen of these types of errors. I’ll leave it to another reviewer to point each one of them out.
  
  “Terrrance,” “K.C.” and “Bob” is being yelled out by Ian, Koren and Makenna...” That’s a really bad sentence. I had to read if five times to figure out the meaning. Maybe something like “Ian, Koren and McKenna search for their friends, calling their names as they walk.”
  
  
  I’d also consider strong descriptions of even minor characters. I had to take notes in order to remember which character you’d introduced and in what context. Again, if you’re filming this yourself, you won’t have to worry about that. The viewer will see the actor playing the character and determine what’s notable about his or her appearance. If you’re trying to sell this thing, you’re going to want to beef-up physical descriptions. You don’t want to make the reader work.
  
  
  I’m ambivalent about the sexy scenes. You’ve taken a ham-handed approach to the scene in which Makenna flirts with the cop. Similarly, the flirtation and affair between Makenna and Koren seem like a vain attempt to come up with something novel that will excite the target audience. But on the other hand, the target audience will probably eat those scenes up. There’s no shortage of post-pubescent males who take an excessive interest in the notion of two gay women going at it. As a screenwriter, I don’t love the scene. As a film viewer I’d be turned off by it. But as a pragmatist I’d see it as a marketable vehicle. I think it’s an issue of who you’re writing. for.
  
  But overall, this is good. You hit all the marks for this type of picture. I wish you the best of luck and keep with it. read