Review of Why We Fight
Story of Jack and Walter who set out to make a movie for the army and leave their porn careers behind. A relationship develops between Juliana and Walter while Jack tries to raise a family with values. There is an interesting scene when they go to Amsterdam to pick up the porn stars. There is a change in the middle when the guys wonder if it is going to all work out.
This would be a good story to use with USO for the troops. They would roll over laughing, reminds me of Bob Hope. The ending was funny and well-written.
The dialogue needs to be cleaned up for the screen. Some women would be offended by this script. Right now, it is more suited for an adult film. The characters were well defined and the story engaging. This concept has been done many times in the past. Add more new twists to the script. Maybe, a scene of troops in a parade or a soldier back on leave.
Other Reviews by Pmitch
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Major Jason Richards leads a team to destroy the German new invention Schloss Festung. He runs into a lot of gunfire as his lady friend Agent Zoey Laurent helps him along the way.
There is a lot of action in this screenplay. The characters are interesting and well-defined. I liked the names. Nice job of describing the locations and setting.
Suggestions for improvement:...
Major Jason Richards leads a team to destroy the German new invention Schloss Festung. He runs into a lot of gunfire as his lady friend Agent Zoey Laurent helps him along the way.
There is a lot of action in this screenplay. The characters are interesting and well-defined. I liked the names. Nice job of describing the locations and setting.
Suggestions for improvement: Spend more time developing the characters. I liked Babbish. Have more scences where you show his tough side. What drove Jason in the past to become this great fighter? Have a flashback of a love scene between Jason and Laurent. The dialogue follows more the action than the personalities of the characters, have a balance.
Page 17: Is this a Russian helicopter (1943)? This big war machine looks like it would only operate on a railroad track?? I don't know if the audience will buy this story. Something needs to be pulling it, maybe a few tanks.
There have been a lof of WWII stories. What will make this story different? I would show how the Russian helicopter was being invented and used for the first time in this battle. Have the helicopter help the soldiers climb the fortress. Show how Laurent became a leader before this adventure with the French underground.
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Police fingerprinters decide to take on some action. Dad, a police captain, is involved in some crooked activities. Sean, James, and a fifteen year old by Joel decide to play detective.
The author did a good job with the names of the characters. The press action with Chief Muirhead was well-defined along with the nice pool house. I felt you did a good job of developing...
Police fingerprinters decide to take on some action. Dad, a police captain, is involved in some crooked activities. Sean, James, and a fifteen year old by Joel decide to play detective.
The author did a good job with the names of the characters. The press action with Chief Muirhead was well-defined along with the nice pool house. I felt you did a good job of developing the relationship between James and his father.
Suggestions for improvement: Work on the opening. Sean: Stop resisting! Joel: I'm not resisiting! Sean: What?! Joel: I'm not resisitng. This is not a good exchange of dialogue. Change the ending. Have Joel meet a new date or think about becoming a detective. Dialogue on page 20: Joel: You want to bring it in. Then, there are two action lines of "You want to bring it in. You want to bring it in." I was confused by this passage. Structure needs some work.
Keep plugging away, you have a good start.
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Gale is sent to New York to buy a statue at an auction for a queen from another kingdom. Little does she know that another Lord has his eyes on obtaining it. Gale meets Jason for whom she has a little surprise waiting further in the journey. He is about to enter a strange new world.
I enjoyed the first two acts up to page 70. Oliver and Olivia Lavender appear as drug addicts...
Gale is sent to New York to buy a statue at an auction for a queen from another kingdom. Little does she know that another Lord has his eyes on obtaining it. Gale meets Jason for whom she has a little surprise waiting further in the journey. He is about to enter a strange new world.
I enjoyed the first two acts up to page 70. Oliver and Olivia Lavender appear as drug addicts. The opening scene has an appearance of royalty. The characters were well defined including Wormwood and the queen MABH. Nice job of building the relationship with Jason and Gale.
Suggestions for improvement: Build up more the drama with Wormwood, he should appear more angry and determined. Show more the past of how Gale and Grey served together in the past on a mission for the queen. Why was she upset when Grey died? Using old weapons in a modern setting? It seemed out of place unless in a close battle. Have them throw down the modern weapons first, a battle of honour. Have Wormwood come to the ball in a disguise with Lord Feyrn to obtain the statue that Gale returned from a battle. Have Jason earn the respect of his peers by fighting in a battle at the end. I would change the ending. The action scenes in the third act need some work. Make the battles more clear.
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