This was a very professional script that read fairly quickly. Very much appreciate the attention to proper form and spelling and punctuation, etc. (although I do have some super-anal proofing notes below...couldn't help myself).
Having said that, I do have two major gripes with the script. First, the shootout/revenge scene at the end between Clay and Bill. Beautifully written -- totally kick-ass -- but I felt belonged in a movie about Bill and Clay. Up until that point, we've been reading a movie about Wayne and Alan, and Wayne and Annie. The scene is so strong, I think it threatens everything that came before it. Not that what came before wasn't interesting...it just mostly didn't have that much to do with Bill and Clay. Part of what makes it not work is that we haven't spent a whole lot of time with them until then...so when we see them passionately shoot the living hell out of each other, we (or maybe just I) couldn't get my heart behind either of them, and so my interest in the outcome was a little shallow.
Second, the most important thread of the story -- Wayne's mission to get his brother out of debtor's prison -- is harmed by us not getting periodic updates on Alan's status. Is he just chillin' in the cell, or is he in more immediate danger? I needed to feel more urgency for his plight to get more behind Wayne's goal.
Besides all that, I thought it was a dang good script. Really loved the dialog -- not too cliche shitkickin', not too contemporary -- just right, short and to the point, witty, etc.
Here's some notes for you...email me if you have questions about any of them.
p1 forest spelled wrong
8 this side of the mississippi...maybe people really used that expression back then, but it's been so overused in movies...maybe an alternative would be better.
18 Its not It's
p34 led, not lead
p40 Think you're still gonna end up dead needs ?
p40 South wall...south wouldn't be initial-capped here.
p53 Whiskies shouldn't be init-capped.
p68 East of the Mississippi...east not init-capped
p72 stroke its ears (not it's)
p73 Stallion not init-capped (I don't think)
p76 Wigwams not init-capped
p90 Whiskey not init-capped
p91 But it's okay, or it's gonna be (should be Wayne's line?)
p92 ...sun has dipped below the mountains (behind?)
p97 ...hilltop to the West (west not init-capped here)
Review of: Riders of the Strike
reviewed by mbankins on 11/09/2006
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