Sadie - First Draft - Review
Hey Wordlover,
For a first draft, I was impressed with “Sadie.” There are some problems with it though. The dialogue is a bit silted and the ending was unrealistic for the gravity of the story. A woman felt wrong by life, in particular, abuse from a co-worker.
The formatting and concept is fine. You’re missing a missing a cover page. And I would definitely not scan my documents in the future with the hand written words on them and post it on Trigger Street to be reviewed. No question, it’s a mark of a novice. However, I do believe you have a good short story that at times made the hair on the back of my neck curl. All the best!
Other Reviews by covofdark
94
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For the most part, “Gin, With a Twist” flows rather well. Some bumps along the way—In particular, as it’s being told from the present tense through Bender and the past with Kitt. As we learn the back-story that leads up to Kitt’s death. It reads like a film Noir of the very best kind, in its heyday of the 40s and 50s. There was just enough uniqueness to make your story stand...
For the most part, “Gin, With a Twist” flows rather well. Some bumps along the way—In particular, as it’s being told from the present tense through Bender and the past with Kitt. As we learn the back-story that leads up to Kitt’s death. It reads like a film Noir of the very best kind, in its heyday of the 40s and 50s. There was just enough uniqueness to make your story stand out but not by much.
Nevertheless. I did enjoy very much what I’ve read; however, some conversations were lost on me. Maybe it’s because of an extra or misspelled word here and there. I suspect the writer is from Europe, could be another reason. Furthermore, you did do a good job linking the period of the time and the dialogue. In general, your sentences packed colorful descriptions when they weren’t overly long. There were some. On the whole, vividly told. As I read, I could see it unfolding in my mind’s eye as if I was there to witness it as it happened. You’re a good storyteller and I wish you the best of luck.
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Hey J. West,
Daisy, Daisy... is a wonderful short story. The character feels real and authentic from the moment she wakes right through to the end. It is colorful in description without being overly prosy.
I have to say; it is up there in some of the best-written work I have read on Trigger Street. Almost perfectly written, and I am of not much help. I enjoyed the story...
Hey J. West,
Daisy, Daisy... is a wonderful short story. The character feels real and authentic from the moment she wakes right through to the end. It is colorful in description without being overly prosy.
I have to say; it is up there in some of the best-written work I have read on Trigger Street. Almost perfectly written, and I am of not much help. I enjoyed the story immensely for its simplicity and entertain value.
I could even see this produced into a weekly children’s show. Daisy, Daisy... is top of line as far as a short story goes, and can be easily expanded on for further chapters. It is an enjoyable read. Best of luck.
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Hey Jon,
The False Profit is about Simon, a power broker and a real douche bag. He strikes fear into those that work for him. He’s a conniving soul, whose sole desire is to see the death of his company. The story is written differently in style that I’m accustomed to. Simon receives a visit from Mr. Lou Cifer a.k.a. the Devil in his office. In this case, the Devil doesn’t...
Hey Jon,
The False Profit is about Simon, a power broker and a real douche bag. He strikes fear into those that work for him. He’s a conniving soul, whose sole desire is to see the death of his company. The story is written differently in style that I’m accustomed to. Simon receives a visit from Mr. Lou Cifer a.k.a. the Devil in his office. In this case, the Devil doesn’t come in sheep’s clothing, but distinguished—dressed to the nines. It is where we learn, that Simon belongs to a group of five in his conversation with him, The Five Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Simon’s role is to cause havoc within the financial markets. However, he bows in reverence upon the sight of Mr. Cifer. He is the one, who now experiences fear and it’s deep-rooted. I’m assuming that only Simon can see the two protruding horns from his head. His secretary did not as Mr. Cifer waited for Simon’s arrival to his office. It is here; we also learn that Simon—is the White Horseman of the five and ‘The False Profit.’ The Devil is here to appraise his progress and cracks open a beautiful bound book for review.
Essentially, Simon’s scheme was to wreck havoc throughout the financial world of big money; low-rate credit cards, loans, and mortgages at ridiculously low introduction rates. When borrowers were comfortable and up to their necks in debt, the interest rates were hiked high until the borrowers were hopelessly deep in debt. That was his role. The False Profit is a tale of morality. Even after giving his complete loyalty and service to the Devil and doing his bidding—he’s removed for being too successful in the mayhem he caused. The devil was pleased indeed by his work, no matter. You see, he is the Devil and you’re going nowhere with him no matter how well you served his darkness but straight to hell. Best of luck.
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