Script Review: The Humane Facade
Thank you for allowing me to read your script. It has a strong point of view, and characters that I could relate to for the most part. A few didn’t fall right into place for me, but it wasn’t enough to distract.
The first thing that needs to be addressed is how you are “directing” in the script. You are telling us the camera movements. You are stopping to say that things are subtitled. I understand the mentality behind this, but the reality is that your job is to write out the story, build up the characters, and have natural dialogue. Film is a collaborative art. There will be actors, cinematographers, and most certainly a director. Having worked with some directors in the past, I will tell you that they will not continue reading a script if they feel that the writer is trying to direct the story.
I am a little confused about your portrayal of the Monks. They are acting like little children. I don’t know how realistic this is, but it seems to throw the tone off a bit. They are a joy to read about, no doubt, but I wonder if it isn’t a bit much? I see how you are setting up the contrast between Shen and Samantha, but I think it might be better to pull it back just a touch.
Samantha is hard to deal with. I understand your need to have her hit so high and so low, but she’s not likable to any degree. I do understand that it’s hard to write a character like this, and somehow make them likable, but something to consider, you audience is going to spend time with these characters. There needs to be something that makes us want to follow these characters.
Now, my biggest problem with this script is a question that might make you reconsider the direction of the whole thing. Did it need to be monks? I know that you are going for an understanding that all people are similar, and that we can be healed and heal even though we are different.
Instead of Shen going through this parallel journey with Samantha, I would have liked to see Jason be the one who reaches out to her in a way that makes him humble himself. You may want to ask yourself what this could become if it was just about the family trying to heal itself.
One of the biggest issues with the script, and something I mentioned earlier is your style of writing. You are forcing us all over the place, rather than letting us discover the story. I’d recommend reading a lot of polished scripts that have been made into films. You will see the difference. Stay away from shooting scripts, because they will have notes and camera motions like you have in yours. As a spec script it is distracting and pulls you out of the story.
Overall it was an entertaining read. It gets dark, but that is used to contrast the hope. Nice job
Other Reviews by Evan Neill
12
-
Review of News Breakers.
Having read through the script I am conflicted. I think you have some nice situations, you have two central characters that can be fun to be around, but the development is shallow, the motivation is forced, and most of the situations these two find themselves in are very contrived and easy.
While I am a big man myself, I don’t get why describing...
Review of News Breakers.
Having read through the script I am conflicted. I think you have some nice situations, you have two central characters that can be fun to be around, but the development is shallow, the motivation is forced, and most of the situations these two find themselves in are very contrived and easy.
While I am a big man myself, I don’t get why describing them both as slightly overweight is necessary to the story. Cole uses his size, and jokes about it, but Sean doesn’t. There is no need to describe them both as the same. Use their differences to distinguish them.
Hum... Cole is making fun of a little fat girl in one scene. Not sure if you will win over viewers or producers with this situation, and it’s not about not being realistic. I have liked Cole up to this point. Even with his little pranks there has been an air of mischievous fun. This scene crosses the line, and I don’t like him much now. Why would I want to spend an hour and a half with him?
I like their plan, but it’s all happens too easily. There is no real struggle, and the Loan Officer just offering to help if they can get rid of the mother-in-law is another example of this. Too easy. Have you thought about starting off by blackmailing the loan officer? Maybe catch him in a lie and use it to their advantage?
You need a “straight man” in all of this. I know that Sean is the more level headed of the two, but only by slight degrees. I would recommend Sean being reluctant to open this business, but Cole knows he’s really great at lying and reading people. It would add some conflict.
Page 36. You put Harold and Kumar in your script? I don’t even know what to say to that. It’s not that it’s out of the realm of possibility, but it kind of changes the tone of the script into parody, and you don’t need that here.
The commercial with Idiot could have been a brief montage, and would have sped up the action. The script is getting sluggish since the scene with the twins.
I understand your “need” for Jill, but this is such a creepy situation. Sean is coming off as a stalker, not a nice guy.
The real issue here is that there is little to no character development in this script. All of the characters are doing things, but the motivation is vague at best, and the secondary characters are very one dimensional. To enjoy a script or movie we need to relate to the characters. I think you have a great concept, but the characters are so flawed that it takes away from any enjoyment. I would feel guilty laughing, and I tend to like black comedy.
If you can retool the characters, work on more of a struggle to have things work, and add more to the secondary characters, this movie could get made.
Best of luck.
read
-
Thank you for the chance to read your script. I normally tell people here that it's a win just to have completed a script, and that's true, but you've done one better. You've written something that has true heart. That's not easy to do.
To start off, you will have some purist who don't like what you add in the descriptions and action. They will say that you are implying humor...
Thank you for the chance to read your script. I normally tell people here that it's a win just to have completed a script, and that's true, but you've done one better. You've written something that has true heart. That's not easy to do.
To start off, you will have some purist who don't like what you add in the descriptions and action. They will say that you are implying humor and feelings that are not "shown". They will say it's cheating. They are kind of right, but to hell with them. You understand something about writing screenplays that some forget. This is a visual art form. Your descriptions and actions helped me "see" what was going on, and for that you have won where they will fail.
Now, on to the story. Here we have two destructive characters that have an agreement to not try and improve one another. Let's be honest. This was doomed from the beginning, but they love each other. I really got that. Relationships should make us better. They should move us along. They will hurt, but in the hurt their is growth.
Bringing a kid into it? Why the hell not. Seems like something else that is bound to go wrong, but it works. Hell, your entire script works. I loved reading it, and I would love to see it get into production. Well done, you have a fan.
read
-
Thank you for allowing me to read your script. It’s never easy to let people look at and take apart your work. At 99 pages long, the script could be trimmed down a touch, and I don’t just mean that as length being an issue. There are some scenes that are a bit redundant, and don’t add to the story. I understand the need to create an environment where we can see Cecil’s repetition,...
Thank you for allowing me to read your script. It’s never easy to let people look at and take apart your work. At 99 pages long, the script could be trimmed down a touch, and I don’t just mean that as length being an issue. There are some scenes that are a bit redundant, and don’t add to the story. I understand the need to create an environment where we can see Cecil’s repetition, but they need to be interesting. You have the shower, the store, the apartments, the crematorium. All of these things are great, but they have to have life to them.
Now, this might just be me, but I had it figured out by page 10. That’s not a bad thing, but I kind of knew that Jack was dead. It was just something in the fact that he hadn’t seemed to have changed at all. No one can be constantly good or bad. It comes across as bland. You may think of having a scene where Jack and Cecil have a heart to heart. Not only will it make it more impactful when we find out the truth, but I will build the characters and make them more complex.
I like the script overall. One formatting issue. When you have a lot of action, break up the paragraphs. It might seem like a small thing, and you handle this well near the end of the script, but early on in the script you have big chunks of action that bog down the pages. Look to the fight between Cecil and Jack. Use that as a model for the other action, and it will move things along.
Nice job,
read
+ more reviews
