Other Reviews by Cenydd Ros 141

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  Gornography/Carnography abound
  A review of The Current
  by Cenydd Ros on 07/17/2011
  Some of this is nicely wriiten, making use of some flavorful prose. Mostly, I liked the language/writing craft of the action lines. e.g. encapsulating Tendrils of smoke waft toes webbed with soap bubbles a squalid living room "Getting your hole" - Didn't get this line. To be frank, I feel that flashbacks generally suck. I just don't think it is a good approach to story telling... Some of this is nicely wriiten, making use of some flavorful prose. Mostly, I liked the language/writing craft of the action lines. e.g.
  encapsulating
  Tendrils of smoke waft
  toes webbed with soap bubbles
  a squalid living room
  
  "Getting your hole" - Didn't get this line.
  
  To be frank, I feel that flashbacks generally suck. I just don't think it is a good approach to story telling - especially when they break into scenes. I am in the opinion that if a character has traumatic elements from their past that need to be displayed in a script it is best to introduce these in something other than a flashback. E.g., those scenes could appear in the beginning of a script, like a prologue. Or they might work if told as a story, for example, inserting a "flashback" during a confession to a priest or spilling your heart out to a friend in a bar. Flashbacks are a device that should be used sparingly, from my POV, and when used the set up should flow with the story, not just cut to flashback. This script is full of flashbacks that honestly add very little to the storyline.
  
  P.34 "The kid finds the rabbit's foot in a pile of jewelry this guy keeps in his drawer..." - I don't remember Robert saying anything about a pile of jewelry or the drawer, just that his uncle "had lots".
  
  "Marnie sinks back to the edge of the bed. Tammy's eyes remain closed. She grits her teeth -enduring the pain." - I wouldn't expect ANYONE to produce a film that includes the rape of a ten year old child in scene. i.e., you really should stop this with the dirtbag dropping his pants, we know what comes next.
  
  I have recently watched something like four organ harvesting movies. This theme is already being beaten to death. Although, I would have to say the "late term abortion - newborn" line was somewhat novel (and altogether gruesome).
  
  Graphic rape scenes are another turn off in terms of finding financing for your script (p. 63 - 64). Furthermore, the overall gornography/carnography of this script is overpowering. Gore and sadism seem to be the focus of the story, with little in the way of redeeming elements. I can only envisage an audience for this film being composed of people who like to watch suffering. I tend to write some graphic/violent material myself, but try to keep the sadism within manageable boundaries. This one abounds in sadism, and that, I believe, is going to severely limit its appeal to producers.
  
  So... in short, well written. However, I would consider taming this story, shaving off the excess in brutality. Often, less is more in stories of this kind, where the mind fills in the blanks of what is not seen. This can make in many cases the story to be even more scary.
  
  
  P. 104 SHIRLEY = SHELDON read
• 
  Call John Lasseter
  A review of BATTLESAURS
  by Cenydd Ros on 07/06/2011
  - Having worked both academically and professional as an archaeologist, I can tell you I was biting into my tongue on page 1. I would suggest having a paleontologist on the team in the opening segment. - I am not sure which would be the most amazing discovery, that there were humans one million years ago or that there were still dinosaurs one million years ago. :) - This is... - Having worked both academically and professional as an archaeologist, I can tell you I was biting into my tongue on page 1. I would suggest having a paleontologist on the team in the opening segment.
  - I am not sure which would be the most amazing discovery, that there were humans one million years ago or that there were still dinosaurs one million years ago. :)
  - This is most obviously meant to be a animated piece. I think Pixar could bring this script to life in a very entertaining way.
  - You might want to consider letting the first dinosaur (killed by the humans Umar and Raja) to merely be wounded and get away. This would help keep things in tune.
  - "an eccentric cave man" Is there another kind? (kidding).
  - "coalition" Big word for a caveman.
  - On your master draft I would suggest you remove the bold face from scene tags and (CONT'D) from dialogue except where is spans two pages.
  - This script is well written. Some of the action lines are a little unconventional (as they entail some direction/motivation and not merely what can be shown) but nothing I thought blatantly incorrect or demanding correction.
  - There is a good deal of stage direction in the parenthetical, but being what must be an animated piece, I found this acceptable as well.
  - A good deal of humor that was actually funny. Well done.
  - A edit for formatting mistakes is needed. You have paragraph breaks in dialogue and double spaces between action lines here and there.
  - Also, I would not advise starting a new scene with dialogue. Begin a new scene with an action line - even a very simple one.
  - Raja should respond to the death of Akhtar a little in the scene (and following scene) where he dies. Just a tad of something initially is all that is needed, since she goes into this later on in the script.
  - Great bonding scene with Umar and Ma'Mun (the tears scene).
  - I would ditch Sofi puffing on a cigarette.
  - Of all the scripts I have read here of TS, I think this one has the most potential for getting financing based on the merits of the script alone, that is if you could get the right people (e.g. Pixar) to read it.
  - Good job and good luck. read
• 
  Gonna need a bit of CGI
  A review of EARTHSHAKERS
  by Cenydd Ros on 06/23/2011
  This being the third script of yours I have read, I must note that you have one hell of an imagination - and you create some very interesting (i.e. entertaining) visuals and elements in your work. There is much in the way of "eyepopping" candy in your stories that would make them something to see on the big screen. Overall, you have a good sense of creating images for the screen... This being the third script of yours I have read, I must note that you have one hell of an imagination - and you create some very interesting (i.e. entertaining) visuals and elements in your work. There is much in the way of "eyepopping" candy in your stories that would make them something to see on the big screen. Overall, you have a good sense of creating images for the screen - and telling your story through images.
  
  
  - P.1 Large, deep cracks open. - Where exactly? In the ground?
  - You can ditch descriptive terms such as "weird" and "bizarre".
  - Everything in the control room appears old and worn, in desperate need of repair. - should be the first action line of your second scene.
  - Some action can be tightened, e.g. "The man, JON-28, grabs the steering wheel" - you can ditch "The man".
  - I found the beginning of this script very well done and entertaining, but it also runs rather long (the part within the tank) - which kind of leaves me in a perplexed position. I do think it should be cut down some, I just am not sure how or where.
  - Watch for redundancy in you edit, e.g. "A large, MENACING CLAW, mounted at the end of an articulated arm mounted on the forward hull of the Mini-Tank opens and closes." (mounted)
  - "MORE Scavengers appear, the humans are trapped." Would suggest you replace "humans" with another word, e.g. "duo" or "pair" or "defenders".
  - Commercial value - hmmm. To do this really well would require quite of bit of coin. However, the subject matter (as entertaining as it was) is not of a wide enough commercial interest to attract (I believe) big financing. Other possibilities, low budget (but would kill so much of the action potential) - or animation. This would work as an animated piece (but animation is expensive too). All that said, I thought this an entertaining story, well structured and well written. I enjoy your dialogue (much techno-jargon in this one) - I think your dialogue (in all your scripts) is very good. read