Other Reviews by DebraSwan 134

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  Review of The Thirteenth Camera
  A review of The Thirteenth Camera
  by DebraSwan on 04/07/2013
  Hi Mike, Great story, engaged me very quickly and kept me intrigued throughout. Wonderful premise, and I like that you connected it subtly to native beliefs. That was a nice touch. I'm not clear on the significance of the door being locked but accessible by Scarlett. It alludes to the old man as omnipresent - was that what you intended? If so, you may want to make that... Hi Mike,
  
  Great story, engaged me very quickly and kept me intrigued throughout. Wonderful premise, and I like that you connected it subtly to native beliefs. That was a nice touch.
  I'm not clear on the significance of the door being locked but accessible by Scarlett. It alludes to the old man as omnipresent - was that what you intended? If so, you may want to make that a bit clearer.
  The ending confused me somewhat. Did they change bodies or souls? It read as the souls being intertwined, rather that inhabiting one body or the other. I do like that, but again it wasn't really clear.
  
  A few things of note:
  
  Pg. 3 Tom wanted to say no… implies that he didn’t mind the old man sitting down. What I think you mean is Tom wanted to say yes, because he did mind, if the question was “mind if I sit down?”
  Pg. 14 He reached inside and approached the old man… do you mean “He reached inside then approached the old man”?
  Pg. 16 He didn’t have time to form a thought in his mind…. I’d take this line out – it feels a bit awkward and reveals the light un-necessarily. The surprise of the light is better without this forebode.
  
  Otherwise, top notch! Lovely addition to the collaboration.
  
  Cheers,
  Debra
  read
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  Review of Bobby
  A review of Bobby
  by DebraSwan on 02/16/2013
  I very much liked the premise of this piece. I think if you build up the suspense a bit more regarding who the Bobby is toward the end of the story, it would serve it well. You present characters with a bit of depth, which is lovely. My biggest issue with the piece is the execution - it is riddled with punctuation and formatting problems. Normally I don't get to hung up... I very much liked the premise of this piece. I think if you build up the suspense a bit more regarding who the Bobby is toward the end of the story, it would serve it well. You present characters with a bit of depth, which is lovely. My biggest issue with the piece is the execution - it is riddled with punctuation and formatting problems. Normally I don't get to hung up on these things, and only give them a passing mention, but it did distract me from an otherwise entertaining piece.
  
  CONCEPT: Good. Liked it very much.
  
  CHARACTERS: Good. You did a particularly good job with the two hoods.
  
  DIALOGUE: Good. I had to re-read a few parts, but that is because I'm a little unfamiliar with the dialect, which is not the fault of the writer.
  
  STORY: Average. I struggle with this scoring, but the formatting and punctuation did distract from the story enough that, if it were corrected, would improve the story quality immensely.
  I think a bit more suspense when speaking with the police in the hospital would have been good. The officer accepted too quickly that the character was the ghost of Bobby. If he had disclosed some background on a like situation happening before, or a history of strange rescues by the same character, his acceptance would have been more natural. However, none of that is alluded to so his willingness to accept the story doesn't seem appropriate.
  Unless, of course, he is the officer at the end of the story taking off the costume? If so, that connection needs to be made clearer.
  
  STRUCTURE: No discernible issues here.
  
  OVERALL: Good.
  
  If you improve technically your writing will be excellent. I'm not the greatest with the 'mechanics' either, so I generally get another pair of eyes better trained in that area to look at my stuff before putting it out there. I've learned much from using that strategy. Just a recommendation.
  
  Cheers,
  Debra read
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  Review of The Flyover
  A review of The Flyover
  by DebraSwan on 02/07/2013
  Overall, this was an easy, enjoyable read. I liked your premise and you took a common theme and switched it up a bit. There were problems with punctuation throughout, but that is easily corrected with a good edit. CONCEPT: Good. Nice twist to a common theme. CHARACTERS: Average. It was a short piece and could easily stand a few more pages to create more depth to your... Overall, this was an easy, enjoyable read. I liked your premise and you took a common theme and switched it up a bit. There were problems with punctuation throughout, but that is easily corrected with a good edit.
  
  CONCEPT: Good. Nice twist to a common theme.
  
  CHARACTERS: Average. It was a short piece and could easily stand a few more pages to create more depth to your characters. I would have liked to know more about the relationship with Sarah - it didn't seem deep enough to drive him to assault. I liked the arch with the main character - he came off as a wimp that wasn't prepared for what transpired in the confrontation with Garth.
  
  DIALOGUE: Average. Again, could be expanded on with the addition of a few pages. It's actually a bit to superficial as it's written right now.
  
  STORY: Average. Overall, nice job with the story line, however it was a bit disjointed in the beginning. Also, expanding on the relationship and keeping the reader guessing on how things would be handled to win Sarah back would improve the story.
  
  STRUCTURE: Good. Would be better if you can improve the disjointed beginning, in my opinion.
  
  OVERALL: Good. Again, I enjoy the read. read