This is, without a doubt, the most disturbing story I have read here on TS. The bath scene was particularly well done. I was revolted, but couldn't stop reading.
On page 13 the main character 'must have, at some point, fallen asleep.' Somehow that doesn't play out for me. He appears to be in an erotic, engrossing experience that wouldn't lend itself to him just simply falling asleep.
You also moved from past to present tense a lot, sometimes within the same sentence. This made for a confusing read.
Ie: Pg. 1 - 'they snap and squeak as I pulled them on' s/b 'they snap and squeak as I pull them on'
Having said that, I think this is a well written story with a few grammatical errors here and there.
Ie: Pg. 4 - ungentle manly s/b one word 'ungentlemanly'
On Pg. 11 - 'I tried to tell myself I something'; I'm not sure what you meant to say with this sentence.
All in all the story was intriguing and I look forward to reading some of your newer pieces.
Review of: Bathtime
reviewed by DebraSwan on 02/17/2010
Other Reviews by DebraSwan 134
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